Scott, To Be Certain


Tuesday, October 25, 2005

As Far As Australia Is Concerned obviously not very far.

Can you believe this shit?

So in the end it was Anne in the role of Jennifer Hudson, very clearly the second best performer, who was sent packing early. The difference, of course, being that Jennifer was a bit miffed by the whole affair when it happened to her, while Anne morphed into a televangelist. She was excellent at that too!

Seriously, the woman is a master class in poise. She's also quite possibly the most technically proficient and soulful singer Australian Idol has ever seen.

Although I very briefly felt like cuddling a toaster in the bath, I can't say I'm terribly surprised. We were just never, ever going to see two divas up against each other in the final.

Yet it's unfathomable that the only two people yet to receive a Bottom Two placing are Lee and Kate. Could these be our finalists?

No fucking way.

Tonight's result makes me even more resolute to make this happen in three weeks' time:

This is a matter of supreme import to the future of humanity. Please assist.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Questions From A Sofa

Channel Ten's Sunday night programming left me with so many questions I felt like a mature age student in the front row of a lecture theatre.

I have prepared a list of the most "probing" inquiries:

  1. Who the fuck cryogenically conserved JonBenet Ramsay and unfroze her to present the ARIAs?

  2. Is the person responsible for agreeing to give the truly, truly embarrasingly unfunny Merrick & Rosso airtime on Channel Ten still employed by that station?

  3. If yes to question 2, why?

  4. Will Daniel Spillane's future ability to father children be compromised by his choice of pants last night?

  5. Is Hayley Jensen upset that Missy Higgins failed to win Best Group?

  6. Does Anne Robertson carry a voodoo doll of Emily Williams around with her? Anne is always the best performed - until Emily takes the stage. Both were last night in a separate zone to the others. Both were better than Paulini. And neither would have chosen this atrocity:

  7. What the hell am I saying? Emily would totally wear that shit.

  8. Why is Emily continually choosing to sing from the Cosima De Vito Idol Songbook? (Hey, if it ain't broke...)

  9. Why are Anne and Kate De Rouge not choosing songs that build to an obvious emotional and crowd-pleasing crescendo to enable them each to receive the touchdowns they are so capable of achieving? They were again second and third best last night respectively. Anne's rendition of "If I Were Your Woman" was just shy of perfection and featured just about the most luscious low notes I've heard emanate from a vertical female.

    Sister-girlfriend, what are you doing?

    And quite besides the completely fucked up excuse for a garment she's got on, girlfriend looks like she's fresh from trying to eat an apple through a picket fence. Did you not learn from James Kannis?

  10. Is tonight the night where I lose one of my Beloved Diva Trio? I think Kate is at risk to be Jennifer Hudson tonight, particularly since Dan and Daniel delivered their best performances. Which is fine, I think, because I think Kate has a number of avenues open to her, such as writing a book on "How To Go From Casey Donovan To Carrie Underwood In 12 Weeks".

  11. Want to know something hilarious? An anagram of "Lee Harding" is "Hair Legend". Please.

    S2BC hates Lee since he walked away with an undeserved touchdown last week, after massacring an otherwise good song and reaping kudos for a unique arrangement despite it being a well-known concert favourite of Green Day. Tonight is the best opportunity to boot Lee and preserve the Trio.

The Legacy of Casey Donovan

S2BC hereby spews forth profuse apologies for its slackness last week.

I can't really offer anything which qualifies as an excuse other than to lament my pathetic status as "employed". Being employed is really not my idea of fun, and would never be, even if a list of my absolute preferred ideas of fun were topped by "being employed".

But, even though I often fervently wish I could stop living enjoy "being employed", there are some things that nonetheless remain capable of arousing feelings of happiness in me.

One of those things is Australian Idol, which I will provide some views on shortly.

Another is Chanel Cole, pictured below at the ARIAs.

I adore Chanel with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, even if the direction of her post-Idol music career is a little bit shit. And even if her list of absolute preferred ideas of fun appears to be topped by "dinner".

Speaking of Casey Donovan. Girl. To quote one of your songs, "What's Going On?" Although novel fashion statements are appreciated, probably the one statement that remains dubious for a person whose eating habits are front-page news is carrying a lunchbox instead of a handbag.

Friday, October 14, 2005

A Friday Puzzler

This is:

A. A stupid bitch who likes peaking on Indonesian beaches.
B. A flashback scene from "The Da Vinci Code".

Answers due 12 noon today.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The Return of Jenny Eyelash

For those of you not familiar with S2BC's uniquely obsessive anagram fetish, Jenny Eyelash is another way of referring to Canberra's finest bogan:

"Can you imagine if I wasn't wearing this cream undershirt!"

What we know about Hayley Jensen:

  1. She got married in a supermarket or something. When she was 14.
  2. She is really quite decent at pretending to be Sarah MacLachlan. (If Sarah McLachlan were a boring, bogan Canberran.)
  3. Mark Holden hated her and refused to put her through her initial audition. He changed his mind when she tried out again. ("Oops!" - Australia)
  4. She is a self-professed lover of Australian bands such as Missy Higgins.
  5. She hung around the Idol finals about 7 weeks too long.
  6. She can't be entirely repulsive because she loves Chanel Cole.
  7. She's probably quite lovely but that has strictly no relevance to anything.
  8. She is to release an album!

According to a press release on Hayley's hilarious website, "the album features original material written and co-written by Hayley and is expected to showcase her stunning vocals".

It's expected to, but it may not. As well they should, Hayley's publicists are hedging their bets.

The press release also implores us all to "check out" a riveting interview with Hayley in which she canvasses all manner of important topics, such as "her spare time". (No doubt there is a lot of it, etc.)

The first single is to be called "Lately". (Written during and about Hayley's spare time.)

It all sounds too ghastly for words. But it has to be better than the recent solo output of that woeful, bald microphone-swallower who also outstayed his welcome on last year's Idol.

Oh, speaking of Idol, we neglected to farewell Milly Edwards. See ya, darl'. Not entirely undeserved, but the systematic decimation of the female contingent is a tad worrying.

Also, someone needs to tell Kyle that it's not actually a compliment this year to say to any male competitor "you've got one of finest male voices in the competition".

OK then. Buh-bye.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Let's Just Cut To The Chase (2)

It is so clear who the Top 3 are that not even that fucking Medownick clinic would be of any use.

Sadly, though, with such clarity comes the inevitable truth that this could never actually be our Final Three.

The potentially fascinating diva throwdowns that future weeks promise may never eventuate, based on past Idol experiences.

S2BC has identified some painful parallels with American Idol 3 in particular.

One of these six is not like the others. See Marcia Hines for details.

But what I'm actually talkin' 'bout is VOTE SPLITTING. That's right. Teeny boppers and Natalie Imbruglia enthusiasts alike will be torn between voting for Lee's hair, Dan's hair or a Diva, but probably not all three Divas. And so it will be that one of the divas will get unceremoniously turfed early, Jennifer Hudson-style.

"Bitch, please. Girlfriend's doin' FAAAAAHN wit her huge-ass coffee empire. N shit."

I think Anne will be the Jennifer of this trio, followed by Kate in the Latoya spot. Emily may still end up our winner in the Fantasia vein (i.e. in a "check out my rotund, mean-ass, thug of a boyfriend, and my gorgeous daughter, isn't she sweet, I'm like 4 years older than her!" kind of way) but not before a few scares. Let's hope, at the very least, that no comparisons ever need to be drawn between the following two people.

Other than that they're both crap, obviously.

But let's not precipitate future tragedies.

As far as last night goes, it was the best episode of the season.

8. James Kannis
7. Milly Edwards
6. Daniel Spillane
5. Dan England
4. Lee Harding
3. Kate De Rouge
2. Emily Williams
1. Anne Robertson

A season best performance from Anne was touchdown-worthy but obviously lacked the emotion necessary to connect with Mark Holden's android adult contemporary heart. Emily was excellent but not note-perfect. Still, the presence of her dawg clearly helped her produce a moving performance. (Is he the father)

In other news, James still needs to go immediately, Milly was woeful in her allegedly favourite genre, Daniel Spillane needs to have that shit ripped off his chin and Dan England is so boring he makes me want to perform corrective surgery on my eyes with a compass.

I can only hope we can stave off inevitable tragedy for one more week.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Good Enough To Eat (With A Spoon)

Fridays in a place of employment/soul destruction invariably lead to moments of distraction/procrastination/myriad breaches of both express and implied employee duties.

Rather than head off to the loo for a spot of mid-morning self-abuse, I thought I'd engage in some hardcore rumination about one of S2BC's favourite topics: the Oscars.

This is a particularly exciting topic this year because it is looking increasingly likely that one half of the most spectacularly good-looking couple on the planet, Reese Witherspoon, will be in line for her first nomination.

S2BC anoints Reese as a guaranteed nominee based on this promotional still alone, from her upcoming film "Walk the Line":

Methinks Reese should be henceforth and evermore a brunette, based on that shot. It might also be the definitive pose to convey sentiments roughly equivalent to "Can I possibly indicate any more fervently how fucking sensual I am and wouldn't you just love to mount me, oh my what a phallic microphone and check out my kick-arse cheekbones as well (thanks)."

Various publications (such as this one) reviewing Reese's work as June Cash (wife of Johnny) suggest things like "Witherspoon simply could not be better in her most serious, fully elaborated performance to date".

So it sounds like this could be the best of all Reese's pieces. This is a tough call given the existence of a film named "Election", where Reese gave one of the bitchiest-and-finest-yet-cruelly-overlooked-by-Oscar-(though-what-else-do-you-expect) turns in history.

And it's directed by the vigorously under-performed James Mangold, who gave us such classics as "Kate & Leopold". Still, he helped Angelina Jolie to an Oscar (and restored titular relevance to commas) in "Girl, Interrupted"*. So we live in hope.

*It's side-splittingly amusing to consider that in Germany that film went with the punchy title "Durchgeknallt". Which translates, I'm told, to something like "Slammed Through" or "Through-Slammer". Apparently. Or perhaps it's "In the Slammer".

"How rude"

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Let's Just Cut To The Chase

This is the final three.

Any people disputing this ridiculously obvious factual certainty should just acknowledge their inherent inability to correctly identify the best outcome for this show and instead concentrate with getting the fuck on with their outer suburban lives.

Bye bye Roxane, five more boring eliminations until things get properly competitive.

Special mention must go to Channel Ten's resourceful cross-promotion last night of its Spring Racing Carnival, by way of Anne Robertson's head. Neigh.

Monday, October 03, 2005

AI3: On The Mark

It’s a curse, this addiction to pop culture.

It means committing to a life of priorities which are perhaps objectively “askew”. For instance, until democratic elections involve a soundproof booth and candidate sashes, pop music will always be of more import than politics.

“Dude, we are so on the same page”

It also means agreeing on some level with Mark Holden’s theatrics at the end of Australian Idol last night. The performances of the Top 9 (some rather good, others woeful) were just so lamentably average that I, too, am impatient for greatness.

Let’s consider the equivalent stages of past competitions.

In 2003, the corresponding week of performances gave us Paulini’s “Chains” and Cosima’s “When the War is Over” (the latter the very first touchdown and still the second best vocal performance on the show ever).

In 2004, the corresponding week gave us Casey’s “Special Ones” (her third touchdown) and Anthony’s “The Prayer” (the best Idol performance on record).

This year, all we have are three chicks capable of greatness but still falling short through inept song choice (Anne, Kate, Emily), a dude with promise but no star power (Dan), a one-note rocker with stage presence but truly, truly shithouse hair (Lee), two one-trick ponies (Mini-LeeMilly, Roxane) and, hopefully, the next two eliminees (James, Daniel).

I find myself hoping against hope each time Kate takes the stage that she will bust out a classic performance built around a killer power note. But she keeps choosing songs that allow her voice to coast rather than soar. It’s not that she’s not accurate - hell, she was so accurate this week she even managed to throw in a “whoo!” and an “impromptu” laugh in exactly the same spot that Anastacia does in the original version!

Same goes for Anne – she’s been quite committed to showing us her double-jointed neck range lately but really, with that voice, where are the touchdowns? I actually quite liked the performance (and I’m not even black – can you IMAGINE) but, like Mark, I want MORE. At least she has the support of Marcia. Mm-hmm, she just loooooooooves herself some Anne. Actually, the only way Marcia could love Anne more is if Anne had conceived a child at 16.

Speaking of Emily, I have two things to say:

1. she’s really very good (but not anywhere near Cosima or Paulini)
2. she features in this brilliant photo that is just SCREAMING for a caption (submit your entries here)

In support of Mark Holden, there are no rankings this week.

But it’s quite clear that this competition is really only about Anne, Kate and Emily. Thank goodness for these three chicks. Future stoushes between the “diva trio” will hopefully provide the show with the drawcard that, at this point, it sorely lacks.