Scott, To Be Certain


Monday, May 21, 2007

Behind Her Gothic Eyes

There's a lot to be said about Little Miss Independent, Kelly Clarkson.

The third Olsen twin

1. She is the best ever Idol from any country, and has the 5th best Idol performance ever to her name.

2. She released the very best song of 2004, causing a string of copycat tripe.

3. She looks a million bucks on a waterslide.

4. Her song "Go", used to market Ford cars in the US, was, although a minor gem and the second-best song of 2006, apparently not good enough to warrant inclusion on her third album. Which must mean one hell of an array of tracks for "My December", right? Right?

5. No. "Never Again", her new single, is the kind of indulgent, laboured musical excrement that successful artists insist on churning out once they erroneously earn the right to "creative control". Alanis must be quaking in her boots.

So that's the end of the love affair, yes?

NO. Witness:

6. In one fell swoop Kelly re-ignites interest in her musical output by releasing the most sublime cover photography in years. This is "Behind These Hazel Eyes" x 1000, and appears to have been filmed on the Buffy set circa Season 3, which makes it even grander.

Release a decent 2nd single and all will be forgiven.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Darwining With The Stars

For a brief time, watching Channel 7's budget celebrity talent show, It Takes Two, was supremely entertaining inasmuch as it enabled derision of its horrendous albino toothpaste commercial host Grant Denyer, as well as innovatively marrying the human and animal kingdoms in song.

No shit - I tuned in for 30 seconds tonight and thought I saw Jimeoin dancing with an ape!

Total mind-fuck though - turns out it was just Lochie Daddo and Paulini. :-(

Monday, May 07, 2007

Fagless Hag Booted

Melbourne's very own porcine prosecutor, Kate, last night exited the Big Brother compound amid a flurry of customarily frenzied sashaying and limp-wristedness.

By her own admission on the eviction couch, Kate was a hag without a fag, filling the void with homosexual mannerisms and recruiting fellow outsiders Pudgy Cat-Obsessed Nerd and Ugly Cameron Diaz to complete her posse o' bitches. These were her only friends, except for Hayley (who was tragically born without the ability to control her tearducts), and none of them was of particularly bitchy use.

Kate's time in the house was brief, and unexpectedly emotional; the revelation about her loss was compelling TV and utterly moving, if not entirely exculpatory of her character, as the eviction result showed. This was no surprise: the outrageous, opinionated, often overweight female competitors either get ditched first or, as I outlined last year, get right through to the end, before in their turn losing to the vaguely sensitive anglo-saxon male. Kate and her ilk have been turfed first in 6 of 7 BB series: Andy (BB01), Irena (BB03), Aphrodite (BB04), Angela (BB05) and Tilli (BB06). Yawn.

At least Kate is now free to return to her acting career in the beloved role of Mimi on The Drew Carey Show.

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Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Peter Andre: Crossing Jordan?

It seems poor Peter Andre is currently deathly ill in a London hospital bed with viral meningitis.

This doesn't sound very pleasant and is nowhere near as hilarious as hepatitis.

Re-enactment (Source: Jennifer Keyte Tribute Calendar)

However, Pete is lucky enough through this ordeal to be supported by a caring wife, Katie Price (aka Jordan). Price loves her husband dearly and is gutted to not be by his side 24/7, due to being a working mother. Awww.

This filthy rich celebrity D-cup certainly knows how to work it. In the last 12 months she has apparently:

*released a hugely successful autobiography (her 2nd!)
*unsuccessfully vied to be the UK's next Eurovision representative
*released a best-selling fitness DVD
*published her debut novel, entitled 'Angel'
*launched a signature lingerie and jewellery range
*begun writing a regular advice column in OK! and The Sun
*recorded and released a bizarrely successful duets album with Pete
*appeared in a much derided and consequently beloved YouTube live performance of one of her duets with Pete
*was named "Mum of the Year" (!)

In the coming months she will apparently:

*have her own talk show, "The Jordan and Peter Show", on iTV
*release her first children's book (!)
*launch her own signature scent

This last prospect is a tad disturbing, particularly in the context of the following quote:

"I'm checking on him all day, calling the hospital and then every night I take him a towel in so he can smell home."

Eau de towelette, anyone? Nothing like a piece of fabric freshly swiped through the snatch of Britain's sluttiest bogan to brighten one's spirits.

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Irresistible Sporting Beauties #619: Nadia Range'rova

It's not surprising that Serena Williams can only be bothered playing once a year. Were she to feature more regularly on the women's tennis circuit, she would necessarily be competing for photographic attention with this stunningly elegant athlete.

Say hello to Nadia Range'rova, that dainty Russian seductress well-known to readers of this site, pictured above just prior to excreting the turd of her life. It's almost time for Nadia to commence her annual performance of winning a few claycourt tournaments before losing 6-2, 6-2 in the semis of the French Open. It's like clockwork, except when she loses even earlier. This inconsistency is mostly due to the fact she is yet to discover how to make contact with the furry balls in the same way she does her own.

Funnily enough, Nadia purports to be something of a lipstick fiend. Check this out, from her WTA Tour profile:

I particularly love the vaseline gloss around the edges. Methinks the vaseline gets a regular guernsey chez Nadia.

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