Scott, To Be Certain


Monday, June 27, 2005

This Fuel is Bananas

The following random sentence caught my eye at the printer today.

"This waste is attractive as a potential energy feedstock because it is extremely homogenous, comes in high concentrations within a small geographic area, and is fully bio-degradable."

Without the benefit of the entire source text, I had no way of knowing what the sentence related to.

Since Range Rovers aren’t bio-degradable, I knew immediately it couldn’t be about Toorak residents. But little did I know the sentence was actually about BANANAS!

It seems the exterior of that fleshy crescent-shaped fruit is the subject of a curious article appearing in today’s Age. Specifically, scientists are developing fuel replacement strategies that involve the use of banana skins. Lots of them, maybe even this many:

Yes, that redoubtable political powerhouse, the Australian Banana Growers’ Council (“ABGC”), today declared banana skin fuel to be an innovative and economical alternative to environmentally unfriendly energy consumption, at least on the basis of their research to date.

While we await their final conclusions, it has become clear that the innovation is not entirely ABGC’s. All eyes will be on the degree of recognition afforded to ABGC’s principal but thus far uncredited research source: Gwen Stefani.

In early 2005, Ms Stefani was the first to publicly liken the fruit to faecal matter in "Hollaback Girl", her haunting ode to a young woman born without vertebrae. The song, which has resultantly raised awareness globally of the myriad alternative uses for and guises of the common banana, is considered to be indicative of Ms Stefani’s current power quotient in world politics and decision-making. (Ms Stefani is also credited with returning the plight of pirates, spelling standards and, soon, Bananarama to the international agenda.)

The impact on ABGC’s future funding, in the event of inadequate recognition of Ms Stefani’s efforts, is immeasurable.

Stay tuned for a potentially gaseous explosive legal "stoush".

No doubt Gwen has her intellectual property team all over this, her shit.

The Emancipation of Minnie

Friday, June 24, 2005

News Justine: Hardenne Soft

All eyes are on Wimbledon as we take to the grass for another year (in an entirely different but no less fervent way to Jennifer Capriati in the mid-90s).

OK, I admit the first-round loss of former world No. 1 Justine Henin-Hardenne doesn’t really qualify as "news" this late in the week, but it really was a decidedly shock exit by the buxom Belgian. And really, how could I resist the double pun! (Answer me that, please.)

Which got me thinking. As I was crafting double puns and double entendres arising from the double-barrelled name of a pathetic Wimbledon loser, I realised what a catastrophic shame it is to have one less hyphenated moniker to wreak havoc with the ever traditional digital scoreboard on Wimbledon’s Centre Court. (They can’t fit the word "Mrs" on when Justine plays! Isn’t that HYSTERICAL.)

Actually, the sport of female tennis is globally all the poorer for the retirement over the years of the following familiar and lesser-known psychosyllabic double delights.


Ros Fairbank-Nideffer (South Africa)
Brenda Schultz-McCarthy (Holland)
Manuela Maleeva-Fragniere (Switzerland)
Julie Halard-Decugis (France)
Pascale Paradis-Mangon (Spain)
Claudia Kohde-Kilsch (Germany)
Larisa Savchenko-Neiland (Latvia)
Alexia Dechaume-Ballaret (France)

Do you weep for a departed double whammy not on this list? E-mail me so that we may bring their hyphen back to world stage! (Please note that Arantxa, Conchita and that whole sangria set do not feature as they apparently don’t espouse the hyphen (or waxing).)

Sadly, the future for this species is dim. The following racquet-wielders join Justine in the 2005 Wimbledon outbox:

Maria Vento-Kabchi (Venezuela)
Marina Diaz-Oliva (Argentina)
Stephanie Cohen-Aloro (France)

But ALL IS NOT LOST, because there is such a player as ANNA SMASHNOVA-PISTOLESI (Israel)!

This, quite frankly, is one of the best sporting names ever. Sadly, she lost too this year. But I think she will have an excellent "shot" next year, so please keep "gunning" for her.

That is all.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Lohan Behold

After some initial reticence, I now officially love Lindsay Lohan, "star" of the new film "Herbie: Fully Loaded".

During an appearance “via satellite” on Rove last night, Ms Lohan was variously entertaining, witty and self-effacing. For example, immediately after declaring herself to be concurrently lucky and "blessed", Lindsay audibly guffawed at the magnitude of her ridiculous cliché! "Oh my gosh, I was like SO heartfelt just then."

Other things I learned during four minutes of typically inept interviewing by Rove:

* Lindsay apparently IS tired of being followed – she was Rove’s last interview subject of the night!
* Lindsay lives in a trailer! (All those rumours of diva-esque behaviour are SO, like, untrue)
* Lindsay likes watching scary movies like "The Shining" in her trailer
* Utilities snob Lindsay likes to distinguish between "power" and "electricity"
* Lindsay is classy! Her colossal mammaries, which were carefully reduced in the film’s post-production process by digital enhancement (following outrage from test audiences in Utah), were nowhere in sight!
* Lindsay is both modest and intelligent! When questioned about being the constant subject of media interest, she responded not by merely reciting her lyrically haunting song "Rumours" but instead by giving a succinct lecture on her understanding of the essential principles of a laissez-faire economy
* Lindsay’s preparations for her exciting new role filling Christian Bale’s shoes in The Machinist 2 appear to be well under way

Yes. Although L-Lo had me at "Hello", her current statuesque appearance pains me (where by "statue" I mean those creepy things waiting for a tram at the corner of Bourke and Swanston).

Ms Lohan, a serious method actor, obviously spent so much time and effort remaining "fully loaded" during the filming of her latest flick that she has now wasted away to resemble a poor freckled Lara Flynn Boyle for the tweenies set. Which gives those trailer screenings of "The Shining", a Jack Nicholson film, a very disturbing flavour indeed. One wonders if she watches said film on her lonesome, engaging in a little digital enhancement of her own.

It is admittedly fashionable to deride Ms Lohan for her current "look". But really, could someone please shovel some carbohydrates down this woman’s oesophagus immediately.

Could that same someone then please undertake to explain to Americans that if they propose to pronounce the first word of Lindsay’s new film title with an aspirate "H" then they ought to do so with the word "herbs" as well. Thank you.

*dismounts from soapbox*

P.S. If none of this is possible then I still want one of these:

Monday, June 20, 2005

BSB No. 00 0001

It is time to locate one’s cud and promptly ruminate therewith. The subject? The ARIA singles chart.*

Biggest disappointment

#1. Sadly, the week belongs to the Backstreet Boys and their coveted bank account details. This lyrically unsound nightmare of a song has sold in quantities measurable by reference to the capacity of an impressively large freight vehicle and features conceptually alarming assertions like "Empty spaces fill me up with holes" and, ambiguously, "without you within me I can’t find no rest".

Who gets paid to write this shit? At least there’s a consistent "orifice" theme happening. Which goes some way to creating the idea of a "void" in the collective android heart of BSB. Hey, maybe the lyricist was on to something… Anyway, whatever the case, methinks BSB quite like being without rest and are likely to remain in that state so long as they continue appealing to the loneliness of young girls with strap-ons. (OK, and to gays.)

Favourite debut

#5. Ricki Lee! The satanic former Idol contestant has fashioned a generational catchcry with her subtle evocation of Hades in the new song "Hell No!". Whatever the merits of this song, RL is the first ex-Idol contestant to "launch" her "assault" on the music scene with a non-ballad and I think she should be appropriately applauded for that move. Here is Jewel putting her hands together for Ricki Lee:

NB: Jewel’s own hands (NOT yours)

It is rumoured that Ricki-Lee is now preparing to unleash a storming R&B/electropop rehash of Lamb’s ethereal “Gorecki”. The delightful “GoRicki” features a rap by Ricki Lake and haunting back-up vocals by Tiffany**!

* It is hoped this will become a weekly segment, just as soon as one’s access to and understanding of blogging software become aligned. When is this likely to happen

** Tiffany Lamb! Wouldn’t that be clever?

Thursday, June 09, 2005

The Beginning

Welcome to "Scott, To Be Certain"!

There has been all manner of fracas, debacle and brouhaha in the set-up of this site. It is almost unfathomable to consider it henceforth begun. But LOOK: it IS. How amazing, etc.

More to come once I work out how the hell this whole blogging affair is meant to operate.