Scott, To Be Certain


Thursday, February 21, 2008

Introducing Tildia Swindard MP

In a thrilling development for both left-wing politics and the thinly lipped, Julia Gillard has been named Australia's 2nd most sexy woman (or, according to the dubiously erudite The Age Online, the second "most sexiest").

Julia sexily considers the literacy levels of the nation's journalists

It's clear that such a public endorsement of the Deputy Prime Minister's breathtaking sensuality was merely a matter of time. Now that it's been predictably but sensibly acknowledged, we can set about casting The Julia Gillard Story with some seriously Hollywood ambition.

There's really only one woman for the role.

With the same style and confidence with which Julia herself sashayed into the country's runner-up position at Australia's most recent political pageant, so has one individual announced herself as the logical candidate for the singular role of Julia Eileen Gillard.

That's right - Scottish actress Tilda Swinton*, one of the most memorable and high profile bloodnuts the world has seen.

Tilda is an entertainment marvel, delivering Oscar-calibre acting turns in Orlando, The Deep End and most recently The Chronicles of Narnia and Michael Clayton. She is also the only human capable of turning up to a media-saturated awards function with no make-up draped in a kimono-themed stage curtain adorned with 100 dead tarantulas and still appear elegant.

That was last week at the BAFTAs, where she won Best Supporting Actress for Michael Clayton*, in which she played a ruthless, amoral and critically self-doubting corporate lawyer. That only one of these words applies to the splendid Julia Eileen Gillard is no barrier to Tilda's suitability for the latter role.

Why? Well, for starters, politicians answer a lot of questions, sometimes even over the phone. Tilda is highly skilled at the latter pursuit.

She also bears more than a passing resemblance to Ms Gillard.

It is, however, true that Tilda carries a necklace rather more dramatically than her potential muse.

But that takes nothing away from the striking sense of perfection inherent in this piece of casting. How might one talk to Tilda and Julia's respective 'people' about such a project?

"You could call me on my massive phone and I'll consult my tiny watch (if I can locate the hands)"

Oh, does it not simply ring of a classic-in-the-making? Can you not imagine Julia sticking it to George Clooney in the climactic Michael Clayton scene?

"I am Julia, Goddess of brooches"

Incidentally, this intriguing piece of punctuation is also called a tilde (pronounced 'tilda'):

It's a Spanish word, from the Latin titulus, meaning 'title', such as 'MP'. Linguistically, it sits daintily atop some letters in some languages to designate a change in pronunciation, such as nasalisation, as exemplified by any word pronounced by Julia Eileen Gillard.

Julia sexily learns of being cast as an aristocrat in a Merchant Ivory film


Thursday, February 14, 2008

Backstage Pass