Scott, To Be Certain


Thursday, August 24, 2006

Ramsays Treat

Monday, August 21, 2006


It would virtually never be considered an overstatement to say that things have occurred recently.

"I wouldn't dispute that"

Precisely. Few things, however, have occurred with such comforting predictability as mid-year Channel 10 programming.

We're all familiar with the script by now.

1. Big Brother commences mid-April.
2. Gretel Killeen consults Helen Keller as stylist.
3. Outspoken Initially Maligned Female Competitor identified.
4. Big Brother Uncut, hosted with disgust by Bride of Christ Killeen, attracts criticism.
5. Groundswell of support for OIMF enables her to gradually reach favourite status while revealing her true character to be interesting, entertaining and, especially, vulnerable.
6. Powers That Be consult their winners' manual and realise OIMF does not fit in to Category 1 - Fun, Ditzy, Inoffensive Bogan Female, Category 2 - Boring (Allegedly Hilarious) Islander or Category 3 - Less Interesting But Somewhat Sensitive WASP Male.
7. OIMF loses Big Brother.
8. Australian Idol commences.

Like clockwork. And so here we are.

I have to say, though, "here" almost didn't happen.

Owing to Channel 10 apparently having conducted focus groups who returned data suggesting early Australian Idol episodes don't contain anywhere near enough snippets of bad singers and people in costume, I was so monumentally unmoved by the prospect of dredging through another year of slops that I hadn't watched a single show until last night.

I am so back on that horse.

"Was that really necessary"

Yes - in one single evening my enthusiasm has been renewed.

First up was Australia's Brainiest Idol, which featured many fine comedy performances. Best was Kate De Rouge, who thrilled the audience with her knowledge of Japanese geography and her impersonation of someone with gout. Sandra Sully contributed to the night's Mensa-level repartee by throwing centuries of established mathematical principles out the window in favour of this equation:

11 / 2 = 1

Then it was on to Idol and was it ever a doozy.

This year, the Marcia God is in full swing. Apparently now an adherent of Hinduism, Marcia is as fond as ever of hyperbole ("That's one of the best songs I've ever heard," she declared to Bobby Flynn only seconds after hearing it once) and is again in heat. Last week, when she flirtatiously responded to lyrics from rapper Paul Dunn's audition with, "Mmmm, you make me wanna open a can o' sumtin'!" you immediately realise she doesn't mean "open" so much as "insert".

Meanwhile, Lavina Williams – sister of Emily - is a likely finalist this year. If Andrew leant her his G, her name would be an anagram of "vaginal". In many ways, this already sets her apart from her sister.

Of the many people who are mysteriously 30, Jorge Bec stole the show. Last night we learnt not only that Jorge Bec is Jorge Bec, but that Jorge Bec has been doing Jorge Bec for at least 3 years and perhaps even since the age of 5. A recap of his golden contribution to prime time television:

"I'm not gay, I'm metrosexual."
"I didn't mean leave the show - I mean 'leave the lyrics'..."
"If I was Michael Jackson..."
"From a professonal artist point of view..."
"I can't remember the lyrics... you know, Jorge Bec is Jorge Bec"
“I can’t… I mean I can, but I can't..."

Top 24 tonight - stay tuned.


Greetings to all and, in defiance of that word's already inherently exhaustive meaning, to sundry also.

After approximately several months of a liberal, Nicole Richie-like interpretation of the words "daily digestion", I have finally pulled my finger out, given it a good scrub and seen fit to bring my blogging sabbatical to a close.

"How kind of you"

Yes! But not nearly as kind as guest blogger Helen Keller, to whom my warmest thanks must go for her custodianship of S2BC since May of this year.

Helen is leaving us for that remote thespian outpost "Broadway" to try to revive her comic masterpiece "The Miracle Worker". I'm uncertain of her chances given that this is how its most recent version was marketed:

Which is really enough to make anyone want to carve their corneas out with a compass.

It will be interesting to see how Hilary's Wank is received at the box office with her next vehicle, a biopic entitled "Makybe Diva" and in which Hilary plays the titular role (pictured below).

Mane contender for Oscar #3

Normal programming will resume shortly.