Scott, To Be Certain


Monday, April 30, 2007

TJ Hooker: Rogue Trader

Unbeknown to most Australians, bawdy BB07 bar wench TJ is just another fine character creation by the actress best known for her Academy Award winning performance in The Piano.

But gone are the days when a speechless Anna Paquin graced Hollywood's greatest stage wearing a tea cosy. Paquin is now a stirringly attractive 20-something starlet.

As TJ, Paquin has embraced one of her most challenging roles. This latest incarnation involves her impersonating a ridiculously thin Northern Territory slapper with the lips of Kenneth Branagh whose bikini top is actually just a pair of stamps.

Pity BB Uncut has been axed - we might otherwise have been treated to a Harvey Keitel in-your-face penis cameo to commemorate Paquin's finest hour. It doesn't require much coaxing.

"We're acutely aware of that"

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Vir-Genie And A Bottle

Inspired by Jennifer Keyte's trailblazing efforts in the early 90s, Katie from BB06 is the latest media personality to get naughty with a bottle.

Katie seems to be leveraging off her alleged virginity in endorsing Pure Virgin Spring Water, whose slogan is the hilarious "Touched only by nature."

This is misleading and deceptive advertising since it is a ludicrous assumption that Katie did not repeatedly, wholly and enthusiastically vaginate Jamie's enormous appendage following their amorous, choreographed onstage reunion at last year's BB finale.

However, that experience has certainly readied her for this:

Hopefully Katie can parlay this modelling gig into a recording career, positioning herself as a neo-Samantha Fox. "Touch Me (I Want Your Bottle)" is a hit waiting to happen.

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Monday, April 23, 2007

BB07: Geniuses At Work

"You're having a laugh at the cost of someone else's expense."
- Bodie

What has Fountain Lakes done all these years without this man?

"Are any of youse guys hungry? There's SUCH yummy yoghurt out here."
- Aleisha

Stephanie Alexander is already plotting the removal of this cunning rival.

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They Are Her (His) Own

Are these the hands of Emmett, BB07 Emma's pre-operative alter ego?

Judging by Joel's reaction, the operation may not have been comprehensive.

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BB07: Celebrating Ethnic Diversity

Another Big Brother year has finally kicked off, and S2BC offers the following exclusive, mature, measured and completely unsuperficial observations about it.

1. Neo-nazism is running rife within BB Headquarters judging by the principally blonde Anglo-Saxon contingent. It otherwise represents an excellent cultural cross-section of the community in Camberwell.

2. With the exception of the repugnant mini-Aqmal Joel, the producers have corralled the token ethnics safely into the 6 wildcard/almost-contestants so as not to be burdened by their otherness.

3. In the case of the dreadful men's rights cruz-sader Cruz, this is a good thing.

4. Susannah is by far the best out of all the contestants to grace the stage last night and she isn't even guaranteed a spot.

4. Kate looks like a piece of pressed ham whose denim mini and tights were functioning much like the string around a Sunday roast. Additionally, she clearly had her eye shadow applied by Michael J. Fox.

5. However, the producers clearly like Kate and have given her a pudgy playmate, Jamie, who last night passionately introduced everyone to his cat. (This may also be Kate's eventual intention.)

6. Rebecca is a God-fearing milk-lover who is completely bonkers about group games. She looooooooooves her some fireside Mormon camp icebreakers. However, when she later professed to her ability to party for hours on the strength of a single glass of "milk", we were invited to consider whether a euphemism was at work. This possibility became clearer when she pounced on Fireman Andrew: when he declared himself single, she instantly said, "I can change that." Hussy.

7. Travis is a horrendous bogan whose evil-looking spawn child looked fresh out of John Carpenter's Village Of The Damned.

8. Rumours are rife that Emma is a post-operative trannie. Notwithstanding that there is definitely no room for a uterus in her puny, starving body, she may well have been the vessel for Travis' evil white-haired spawn.

9. Hayley is legally qualified but works in the Family Business. It is unclear if her Family Business is like the Morans' Family Business, but she is Obviously Very Smart because she has a Legal Qualification. She also has an inordinately elongated arse.

10. Bodie has defied the laws of medicine by functioning without a brain for his entire life.

11. Thomas, the giant failed basketballer, is facing an anguished choice between returning to his wife, remaining married but screwing another woman exclusively or remaining married but screwing several women indiscriminately. Poor love. It seems possible that the cryptic clue Gretel revealed about two pre-existing relationships in the house may relate to Thomas: what if both his wife AND ex-girlfriend were in with him, without either of them knowing the other?

All in all, so far = "a bit shit". But Big Brother can usually turn on a dime, so let's see what tonight has in store.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Diff'rent Strokes To Rule Malawi

So Madonna has been parading her Benetton family around this week.

Of the resulting album of happy snaps, there is something immediately and irresistibly apparent from this picture. Discuss.

Is it that:

1. Madonna's 3rd child, David Banda, is controversially wearing non-kabbalah jewelry.
2. Madonna has turned into The Fly.
3. Lourdes' voluminous eyebrows are stretching on over into next week.

Well, it is possibly a combination of all of these, but not quite. Perhaps another photo will assist us.

Does Madge's adult-headed pygmy child remind you of anyone?

Well, hello Gary Coleman!

It's thrilling to see that while Angelina is resorting to boring old 3rd world adoption, Madge has trumped her by rescuing a child from 80s sitcom obscurity. And a sitcom that is - get this - about rich white people adopting poor black ones! Are you completely freaking out.

Here is a picture of Madonna and David Banda shortly after the adoption was finalised.

Oops! That's Lourdes and D.B. - my bad. Here is mother and son:

Now, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you (e.g. adopting normal-headed children) may not be right for some (e.g. Madonna).

It don't matter what you got - not alot? So what! They'll have theirs, you'll have yours and Madonna will also have yours.

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