Scott, To Be Certain


Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Inherent Filth of Gwen Stefani

With style, class, porcelain features, two children and a stable, 13 year relationship, Gwen Stefani is outwardly the picture of wholesomeness.

But inwardly, the voices of her inner slut will never be silenced.

Irrefutable evidence for this utterly un-outlandish statement can be found in the lyrics to her song "Bubble Pop Electric", appearing on her 2004 debut album (just two years after her marriage, the saucy minx).

The song is a tour-de-force of filth and innuendo, as she gets dealt a thorough servicing at the hands (among other things) of Johnny 3000 from out of Outkast.

Come on Johnny, when you gonna get here?

Employing that famous literary device "foreshadowing", Gwen hints at some later disappointment at a lack of urgency on Johnny's "part".

Alright just hold your pretty horses, I'll be there in a minute, you just get yourself dolled up toots and pick a place, you just pick a place

Johnny is presenting Gwen with her choice of orifice.

Um, Johnny?

Gwen is addressing Johnny.

Yeah, Gwenny-Gwen-Gwen?

Johnny is stuttering.

You might wanna hurry, because tonight is THE night

Johnny is finally going to get a good look at the back of Gwen's head.

I'm empty, I need fulfilling, yes I do love

Ever the fan of plays on words, Gwen pretends she's seeking fulfillment when in fact she just wants to be full-filled.

To the ceiling when I do love/I get this feeling when I'm in love

Well this is simply lazy-arsed songwriting from Gwen, hoping we won't mind that she's used the same word three times in the place of a rhyme. EPIC YAWN.

I'm restless/Can't you see I try my bestest/To be a good girl because it's just us/So take me now and do me justice

EPIC RECOVERY. The just us/justice couplet is sheer genius, and likely infers a bit of wrong-side-of-the-law role play between the horned up pop stars.

I'm waiting patiently, anticipating your arrival

To arrive is 'to make one's presence known'; also, 'to come'. Both of these definitions are likely to apply here.

And I'm hating that it takes so long to get to my house

Turns out Gwen ain't no two-minute tyrant either.

Tonight I'm gonna give you all my love in the backseat

A staggeringly unsubtle euphemism from Gwen.

Bubble, Pop, Electric

OMG, so Gwen was a virgin? That shit is bananas! (Also OMG - a vibrator?)

Gonna speed it down and slow it up in the backseat

OK then.

Uh-oh, in the backseat

Acting surprised won't fool anyone Gwen.

OK now, I understand he's on his way now/But jeez Louise I mean today now!/I can't wait I wanna play now

So Gwen is now officially and irretrievably gagging for it.

I'm antsy/Bubble pop electric pansies

Oh I get it you've been 'deflowered'. Nice one.

My sweet tooth, I want your candy

No explanation required.

The Queen of England would say it 'randy'

I'm not sure that she would.

I'm itchy/I wish you'd come and scratch me

Yet more impatience from Gwen.

Tonight I'm falling won't you catch me/Swoop on by so you can snatch me

The subtle imagery just keeps on, um, coming.

The need to be satisfied/Come pick me up I wanna ride

A quick change of positions then.

Hurry, hurry, come to me/Drive in movie/Drive in move me/Drive in to me

Well this is all very ambiguous isn't it.

THE, er, END

"Her name is Gwen and she's here to flash her vagina." - Margaret Cho

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Art Imitating Life

How is this news:

Well, maybe not the first.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Outgoing Stepford Wife

Friday, November 07, 2008

Justine Henin's Tragic Legacy

The election of Barack Obama has criminally overshadowed the fact that this stunning collection of gorgeous athletes is currently 'facing off' at the end-of-year WTA championships.

By happy and convenient coincidence, they are standing in order of their current rankings. From left to right they are Jelena Jankovic, Dinara Safina, Serena Williams, Ana Ivanovic, Elena Dementieva, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Venus Williams and Vera Zvonareva.

I could not resist blogging this, especially since S2BC has a particular fetish for the glamorous and elegance of women's tennis. A few discerning observations:

1. Could Svetlana's head be ANY MORE MASSIVE.
2. Vera has completely ruined the hand-on-thigh symmetry.
3. Serena's swashbuckling look raises suspicions she'll be playing with a sword.
4. It's great to see Yannick Noah available at short notice to fill in for Venus. It might also be that guy from Milli Vanilli (the not-dead one).
5. Everyone's dressed for coffee in Chapel Street except for Dinara, who looks on her way to a piano recital. For basketballers.
6. There is an average of 2 occurrences of the letter 'a' in each of their names.
7. The letter 'v' appears on average more than twice each. Nice one Vera.
8. It's impossible to look at Jelena Jankovic, the worst number 1 in history, without envisaging this:

But most of all, this is really the most astoundingly shit group of supposed year-end champions EVER. Surely we can mount a class action against Justine Henin for reckless abandonment?