Scott, To Be Certain


Monday, August 29, 2005

AI3, Semi-Final 3: The Boys are Back in Town

Dan, Lee and Emily. Last night was all about the male competitors!

10. Donald Duck Joe Sait
9. Jeremy Bourke
8. Lauren Street
7. Nat Matiuk

6. Natalie Zahra

5. James Kannis
4. Leah Rushforth
3. Emily Williams

2. Lee Harding
1. Dan England

Thank goodness a touchdown was not delivered to the pouty Natalie Zahra. No applause should be directed to anyone singing in Klingon. She should learn to enunciate in that language if she intends to use it. English would have been much easier.

It was interesting to hear Emily Williams openly admit to being transgender. However, she must have been joking; no self-respecting transgendered person would actually elect to wear that utterly horrendous outfit.

Third to fifth best were difficult to separate, but it was easy to identify the best two performances.

Stay tuned tonight to see which one of those two misses out!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Taking the Giss

There are no words.

Other than those words which, when put together in a logical sequence, create a sentence that expresses how the Gissaras are clearly a very large family with an unlimited line of credit.

Poor Roxane! It looks like she will have to put on the red light, after all.

Monday, August 22, 2005

AI3, Semi-Final 2: The Milly Show

Due to "work", that inconvenient form of labour designed to assist in the periodic increase of one's bank balance but which instead invariably results in the diminution of one's will to live, this post will need to be short (cf. Geena Davis, Shaquille O'Neal etc.)

Suffice to say, there is little to say. This sums it up (where "it", in its role as direct object pronoun, manages to succinctly denote "last night's Idol show" and not, as you might expect, a Stephen King novel/mini-series):

10. Laura Gissara (who sang En Vogue in capri pants, of all things!)
9. David Mardini (bald dude who sang some song about his Mom)
8. Michael Williamson (dude who sang "I'll be there")
7. Victoria McGee (Country-cum-goth chick)
6. Ben Worthington (big dude who sang Billy Joel)

**Massive gap**

5. Claudia Karvan Catherine Vasilakis
4. Rocky Loprevite (dude who sang last)
3. Kate DeAraugo (daggy chick with a HUGE largely purposeless belt)

**Even massiver gap**

2. Roxane Lebrasse ("Natural Woman" chick/Wiggle Chris's best friend)

**The massivest gap known to mankind**


For the purposes of the Top 12, S2BC officially endorses Milly, Roxane and Rocky. You know, for the "record". And shit.

That is all.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Australia Redeems Itself

The whole distressingly-undeserving-BB-winner thing is gradually fading into triviality as Australia re-establishes itself as a discerning and reasonable voting collective.

The selection of Chris Lilley Luder, Zanne Robertson and Tarnish Stephens has ensured the best possible start to Australian Idol 3.

These are the exact 3 singers officially endorsed by S2BC for Group 1. So, hurrah!

However, it's hard not to feel sorry for Josh Williams, who was almost unbearably gracious in defeat. It really does make one want to move to London and live on the streets, doesn't it?

And poor gummy Jade-Lori Crompton! Most likely the 5th place finisher, she probably just didn't endear herself enough to voters for them to forgive her uncanny ocular resemblance to James Mathison. Her disappointment would also not have been helped by that momentary confusion about whether it was she or Tarnish who had been promoted to the stools.

Note to Andrew G: it is perhaps wise to revisit the value of pauses in speech. The best way to induct a Top 4 competitor is really NOT as follows.

"Tarni. [dramatic pause]

[Further excruciating pause]

You are the next member of our Top 4, Jade-Lori. [pause] You are going home."

Could any living creature be worse at hosting a live program?

Anyway, let's positively flagellate ourselves with respective back-patting for that fine effort, Australia. Bring on Group Two!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

AI3, Semi-Final 1: Pretty Bloody Avo

If you say something enough times with sufficient conviction, the theory is that eventually people will believe you.

Mark Holden has tried twice now to assert his belief that this year's Top 30 is better than last year's.

But, frankly, if it looks like Kathy Bates and walks like Kathy Bates, it's probably not Catherine Zeta-Jones, you know?

And so it goes. Last night's first semi-final group of 10 offered, in the main, fair to middling performances. For the purposes of establishing an irrefutable comparative argument, at this stage last year we had Courtney Murphy, Hayley Jensen and the ceaselessly amazing Chanel Cole. Courtney and Hayley were even reasonably acceptable at that point.

This year... well. Lots of shitheads giving cheek to the judges and thanking the goddam band. ENOUGH. Sing, accept criticism, get off: you are not Idols yet.

Last night's performances ranked from worst to best:

10. Lindsay West
Sang "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper

Is this boy perhaps just a tad retarded? I wonder if he can spell "orthodontist". I suspect not. Whatever the case, I'm a bit tired of Kyle trying to convince me he is Catherine Zeta-Jones. He's not even Kathy Bates. He's, like, Norman Bates. Scary to look at, painful to listen to, and completely inexplicably full of confidence. Please leave.

9. Irene Bosmans
Sang "Turn the Beat Around" by Gloria Estefan

This little tart was not spanked as a child and is all the worse for it. Horrendous song choice. This is not even a song you should choose on "Gloria Estefan Night". Boring.

8. Joshua Williams
Sang "All My Life" by K-Ci & JoJo

Has the look, the accent and probably sings better than most boy band members. Obviously a nice boy too. And the girly vote will carry him through. But, whatevs. Yawn. Too pitchy, dawg.

7. Chloe Zuel
Sang "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson

Shithouse song choice, although Kyle obviously isn't aware that this is actually Kelly's next single. Did anyone get a load of those lyrics? "Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk"? Jesus. This shit is so far from the sidewalk it's in the middle of the road. Anyway. Chloe's nice enough, and has some sort of mole on her chin that almost looks like a subversively placed labrette, but nowhere near the sort of vocal accuracy to be impressive.

6. Dan Spillane
Sang "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw

Disappointing effort. Looked a bit constipated and wasn't aware that more than one camera gets used on a live TV show. Good-looking with potential, and a sure-fire Wildcard competitor, but not on the basis of this.

5. Chris Luder
Sang "Beautiful Soul" by Jesse McCartney

Fucking woeful by Chris's standards, but still ranks fifth for obvious stage presence and movement. Clearly will be in the Top 12 no matter what. But this really did suck. And he kind of looks like another character from Chris Lilley's "We Can Be Heroes", don't you think?

4. Jade-Lori Crompton
Sang "1 Thing" by Amerie

Jade-Lori gets immediately demoted for not attempting that bit in the song where Amerie impersonates a bell. That would've been cool. Looks completely the part and would be a welcome inclusion in the Top 12 but I need to know she can actually sing before she gets my vote. Nice grunting though. Levi would be proud.

3. Seth Haapu
Sang "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" by Many Other Singers Previous to Him

One of the three most vocally talented, with Anne (below) and Chris. And it showed. Surprisingly good.

2. Tarni Stephens
Sang "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns 'n' Roses

I suspect I will end up despising Tarni. But last night she came out firing with probably the best song choice of the night. Could've used more grunt, but hopefully the lack of it won't Tarni-sh her chances. (Couldn't resist.)

1. Anne Robertson
Sang "Home" by Whitney Houston

Yay! Paulini is back! The most effortless of the night and, I think, despite her shyness, showed the most potential for growth. Hey, Shakira is shy. In a small, humble way. Anyway. Need to do something about Anne's name though. Sounds like the choir director at a nursing home. Perhaps a silent "Z" in the front?

Despite this, I think the 3 who go through will be Chris, Jade and Josh. We'll see.

The Marcia God's massive double helix DNA necklace was perhaps supposed to remind us that talent is innate. (Or that she's kinky and enjoys "beads" or similar.) But from what I can tell, the only thing innate in this group is their ego.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

A Most Unsatisfactory Conclusion

Male: TICK!
Anglo-Saxon: TICK!
Boring: TICK!
Bogan accent: TICK!
Fairly stupid and therefore inoffensive to the voting public: TICK!

Uninteresting, sycophantic, tiny-dicked Bogan Greg has won Big Brother 2005 largely by meeting these five criteria.

In doing so, the voting public has backed up its misguided ejection of the splendidly psychotic Vesna with the ridiculous crowning of two under-the-radar tributes to mediocrity. (Yes! Hideous Bogan David gets money too.)


Because this is Australia, of course! Where boring people just adore rewarding other boring people.

Honestly, this nation's feverish love for all things conservative and unchallenging has me foaming with rage out of every available orifice. As far as injustices go, this is on a par with Apple's Mom beating Our Cate to the 1999 Best Actress Oscar.

Gwyneth rues her inability to fill out a pink dress like Vesna

Oh well. At least Greg can now afford some surgery on that sinusitis. Perhaps he might even consider investing in an upper lip.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Sara-Marie Redux

This beautiful woman has been inexplicably and wrongfully evicted:

Yep, Australia fucked it up again.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Where is Chanel Cole?

On the shithouse Australian Idol website, you can click on a special section entitled "Where are they now?".

So clicking reveals that the collective pronoun in fact refers to previous Idol contestants, some of which are profiled in that section insofar as they've been doing things vaguely qualifying as a career since their time on the show.

The picture they use to advertise the "Where are they now?" section is one of the wonderful Chanel Cole:

In a regrettably accurate attempt at irony, Chanel Cole is not one of the contestants profiled. This is all the sadder given that the execrable Courtney Murphy is credited on that page with having apparently done something other than swim in a large vat of vegetable oil.

It pains me to see that the libidinous Cole is not on any sort of musical or public consciousness radar at present. So where IS she?

A brief surf of the internet reveals that she has quite an impressive website here, where she philosophises and bursts into Virginia Woolf-like stream-of-consciousness ramblings, but with nowhere near the same amount of semicolons.

Musically, the website reveals that Chanel is about to release a group project with a duo known as Statler and Waldorf, as well as Daniel Belle, a fellow ex-Idol contestant not profiled on the Idol site and who Chanel regularly bonks in some sort of official, ongoing way. Chanel describes the project's output as "an album of mostly downtempo beats with beautiful melodies and insane harmonies".

Sexually, Chanel and Daniel are doubtless suffering from UTI. She is obviously obsessed with Daniel and says, of his penchant for raunchy bedside reading material, that he can "read any magazine he wants if in return he makes love to me twice as much!"

Surely that, at least, warranted a brief profile on the Australian Idol website?

So there you have it. You'd think Chanel would be somewhere more interesting by now.

Perhaps I'm just being impatient.

Or perhaps this is yet more signature work of sabotage by the Marcia God.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Tkautz's Tkareer Tkomeback

One of the more resoundingly fucked up things I've had to acknowledge in a long while is the unlikely return of Melissa Tkautz to the world of "music". There are some things you just expect to go away and die, you know?

But amazingly, Melissa is back with a new song about her last 15 years of unemployment, "Glamorous Life". Quite surprisingly, the song is not utterly shithouse! Its unmistakable mediocrity is almost pleasant, so good luck to you Mel - even if it is a cover.

The one criticism that must, however, be levelled at Melissa is her choice of fashion. Pictured above as she appears in the video (in which she delightfully "cuts a rug" with some drag queens and other random interlopers at her house in outer suburban Brisbane), Melissa seems to be wearing the same gold chain mail that Cosima De Vito unleashed on the world TWO YEARS AGO:

Come on, Melissa. Get with the times!

Friday, August 05, 2005

BB UK: Saluting Jennifer Keyte

They say the Brits are a conservative lot that tend to keep things "bottled up".

A recent development on the UK Big Brother soundly reinforces that position.

It would appear that a complete whore has arrived in the last days of this year's series and very memorably broadcast to the world her take on hide and seek with an empty wine bottle.

Who knew Jennifer Keyte's early 90s legacy would stretch so far? (So to speak.)

Thursday, August 04, 2005

M.O.R.(E.) Idol

"You see them in the street. You watch them on TV.
You might even vote for one this fall.
You think they’re people just like you.
You’re wrong. Dead wrong."

This is the promotional tagline for a B-grade (and therefore utterly sublime) science fiction film from 1988 called "They Live", in which aliens invade Earth imperceptibly because they are indistinguishable from humans without the aid of special sunglasses.

It could also be the tagline for our own B-grade yet utterly sublime Australian Idol, which was last night invaded by a particularly bothersome type of alien: M.O.R. (middle-of-the-road) performers who are stupendously shithouse and who somehow fooled ALL 3 JUDGES – not just Kyle – into issuing them a "yes" for Round 2. Not one member of the panel last night appeared to possess the requisite instruments – in this case, functioning ears – to recognise said performers’ otherwise exceptionally obvious lack of merit.

Irrefutable Example Number 1: The tap-dancing delight skilfully exposed by Mark Holden as a gay man (and hailing almost implausibly from “the Victorian border”), who minced colourfully around the audition set with nothing even remotely resembling tone or vocal control and yet earned a spot in the next round. Ridiculous.

Irrefutable Example Number 2: The filthy, horny teen serenading some random neigh-worthy blond with a Frank Sinatra tune delivered even more weakly than Shannon Noll’s suicide-inducing rendition in 2003. Second base was all he wanted; he’s wound up in the second round. Offensive.

Perhaps they got through on "charisma" or "originality". But if so, then bring back Tuesday’s pincushion-faced denim punk chick NOW. Her spot has been stolen, twice.

The rock dude who sang "Run to Paradise" was the night’s one saving grace. That and Marcia’s disdainful comment to one under-dressed female performer that she looked "ready to run". (From an inevitable pack rape, presumably.)

Frankly, you should all consider following the wonderful Canadian Idol 3. It is FAR more exciting at this point! Although they apparently have their own kind of weird giant-headed aliens over there:

And they have Naomi Watts as a contestant! Ever the chameleon, she appeared on Tuesday’s show as Jewel:

It’s an old joke, but let’s all put Jewel’s hands together for Naomi Watts and the excellent Canadian Idol:

As for Australian Idol, we can only hope the obligatory two week opening exposé on the spectacular mediocrity of M.O.R. Australia will give way to an eventual and exciting revelation of talent to cheer for.

Because, as memorably foreshadowed by one character in "They Live", "the middle of the road is the worst place to drive".

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Who is Marcia Hines?

Musically, episode number 3 of AI3 was a tiresome affair even for the avid viewer. Perth, where in previous years the Idol juggernaut managed to unearth the clashic shinga Coshima Dah Veedo Mate and everyone’s favourite jumping castle, Courtney Murphy, this year dished out one woeful clanger after another for the judges to inelegantly shoot down.

Philosophically, however, it was a corker. Thanks to a deliriously self-aggrandized former member of the American military, we were invited to consider just who Marcia Hines is, which is really quite the worthwhile exercise.

My research turned up the following.

1. Marcia Hines is God.

One impassioned chick wearing failsafe good luck charms all but knelt before the deity herself last night and begged to be put through to Sydney. “O Marcia God, please,” she wailed, clutching at her oversized cross, engulfed in two bottles’ worth of hair spray fumes that she earlier passed off as a “white light”.

Although Jesus-lovin’ Marcia curiously declared in response that she and the good Lord “ain’t got nuttin’ to do wit each other”, she quickly followed it up with an ominous “careful what you wish for” and promptly issued a yes to the pissweak clotheshorse. Ah yes, the oft-forgotten commandment, “Thou Shalt Soon Suffer an Infinitely More Intense Shellacking From Me, You Superstitious Wench”.

2. Marcia Hines is “down” with her “bitches”.

As yet another delusional try-hard left the audition room while yelling, “You just made a huge mistake, I’m going to make it big like your daughter Deni, just you wait!” or something similar, Marcia levelled a furious Harlem retort at her verbal attacker: “YOU KNOW IT!”. Sister-girlfriend tellin’ it like it is! She be all channellin’ her spiritual home so deep that if she had herself some fly baseball cap, you just KNOW she woulda tilted the visor at some ridiculous purposeless angle at that point, ya know what I’m sayin’? You know it.

3. Marcia Hines is threatened by demonstrably sexual female performers.

Who can forget Marcia’s palpable hatred of last year’s finest contestant and no doubt utter sex addict, Chanel Cole. This year, you can sense the rage building already, as seen last night when Marcia refused a lap dance from some undignified blond tramp.

4. Marcia Hines is Lauryn Hill.

5. Marcia Hines is a court jester.

The above list is clearly exhaustive.

Now, turning to other various matters:

*Kyle really is horridly focussed on putting people through on their aesthetic alone, isn’t he? It’s as though he thinks a No. 51 debut for Casey Donovan’s third single isn’t a success or something!
*Our society really is full of psychotic freaks who think they’re rather good, isn’t it?
*People who try out for Australian Idol mustn’t have honest friends
*People who are clearly attractive and get filmed at home with their yummy mummy singing capably with a guitar are probably going to Sydney
*As much as I hate to say it, Mark Holden is revealing himself to be the best judge of talent so far
*If you try out for Idol one year and sound like your penis is caught in a vice, chances are your attempt two years later when you arrive in navel-high pants and sing like Helen Keller is going to be similarly unsuccessful

Let’s hope Sydney reveals some talent or expect the Marcia God to unleash a flood on the Seymour Centre.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Pilot Protects Plunging Perth Posse

This article headline takes alliteration to new heights. (Pity about the titular plane.)

A Malaysia Airlines pilot elected to return a KL-bound aircraft to Perth after experiencing problems shortly after take-off, including a sudden 200 metre drop in altitude.

But stunningly, it appears that it wasn’t the drop or the associated turbulence that disturbed passengers most.

"When the flight attendant dropped an entire tray of drinks and was crawling on his hands and knees back to his seat and the other flight attendant was praying, that's when most of us began to take it a bit more seriously," one passenger said.

Clumsiness + religion = CHAOS!

What a refreshingly warped approach to a mid-air crisis.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Watts goin' on, eh?

If you're wondering what Naomi Watts has been doing in between fucking Mark Ruffalo on the sly in We Don't Live Here Anymore and lubing up considerably for the rather more challenging King Kong (to hit cinemas later this year), you might be surprised to learn that the mutant-nippled performer has been trying her hand at reality TV.

Yes, Naomi has bulleted into the Top 8 of Canadian Idol 3!


GO NAOMI! I will endeavour to delicately manage your individually and collectively baited breaths with regular updates as she progresses through the competition.

But if this is all a little too "low-brow" or "not exactly true" for you, then why not meander on down to the local theatre for a bit of brunette, supporting Naomi in The Assassination of Richard Nixon. (She's got a gig opposite Sean Penn again, but it's OK, those staggeringly protrusive milk dispensers are safely strapped in this time.)

Alternatively, it's always fun to just stretch out on the couch and pretend to be Naomi in latter-half Mulholland Drive mode, don't you think?