Scott, To Be Certain

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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Who is Marcia Hines?



Musically, episode number 3 of AI3 was a tiresome affair even for the avid viewer. Perth, where in previous years the Idol juggernaut managed to unearth the clashic shinga Coshima Dah Veedo Mate and everyone’s favourite jumping castle, Courtney Murphy, this year dished out one woeful clanger after another for the judges to inelegantly shoot down.

Philosophically, however, it was a corker. Thanks to a deliriously self-aggrandized former member of the American military, we were invited to consider just who Marcia Hines is, which is really quite the worthwhile exercise.

My research turned up the following.

1. Marcia Hines is God.


One impassioned chick wearing failsafe good luck charms all but knelt before the deity herself last night and begged to be put through to Sydney. “O Marcia God, please,” she wailed, clutching at her oversized cross, engulfed in two bottles’ worth of hair spray fumes that she earlier passed off as a “white light”.

Although Jesus-lovin’ Marcia curiously declared in response that she and the good Lord “ain’t got nuttin’ to do wit each other”, she quickly followed it up with an ominous “careful what you wish for” and promptly issued a yes to the pissweak clotheshorse. Ah yes, the oft-forgotten commandment, “Thou Shalt Soon Suffer an Infinitely More Intense Shellacking From Me, You Superstitious Wench”.



2. Marcia Hines is “down” with her “bitches”.

As yet another delusional try-hard left the audition room while yelling, “You just made a huge mistake, I’m going to make it big like your daughter Deni, just you wait!” or something similar, Marcia levelled a furious Harlem retort at her verbal attacker: “YOU KNOW IT!”. Sister-girlfriend tellin’ it like it is! She be all channellin’ her spiritual home so deep that if she had herself some fly baseball cap, you just KNOW she woulda tilted the visor at some ridiculous purposeless angle at that point, ya know what I’m sayin’? You know it.

3. Marcia Hines is threatened by demonstrably sexual female performers.



Who can forget Marcia’s palpable hatred of last year’s finest contestant and no doubt utter sex addict, Chanel Cole. This year, you can sense the rage building already, as seen last night when Marcia refused a lap dance from some undignified blond tramp.

4. Marcia Hines is Lauryn Hill.



5. Marcia Hines is a court jester.



The above list is clearly exhaustive.

Now, turning to other various matters:

*Kyle really is horridly focussed on putting people through on their aesthetic alone, isn’t he? It’s as though he thinks a No. 51 debut for Casey Donovan’s third single isn’t a success or something!
*Our society really is full of psychotic freaks who think they’re rather good, isn’t it?
*People who try out for Australian Idol mustn’t have honest friends
*People who are clearly attractive and get filmed at home with their yummy mummy singing capably with a guitar are probably going to Sydney
*As much as I hate to say it, Mark Holden is revealing himself to be the best judge of talent so far
*I MISS DICKO!
*If you try out for Idol one year and sound like your penis is caught in a vice, chances are your attempt two years later when you arrive in navel-high pants and sing like Helen Keller is going to be similarly unsuccessful

Let’s hope Sydney reveals some talent or expect the Marcia God to unleash a flood on the Seymour Centre.

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