Scott, To Be Certain


Monday, July 04, 2005

Tom Cruises Rob: The TomThom Affair

The erudite, curvaceous Lindsay Lohan once wistfully mused: "I’m tired of rumours starting. I’m tired of people lying, saying what they want about me. Why can’t they just back up off me?"

Despite employing a curious compound verb form to liken herself (not altogether incongruously) to a curb or some such other parking impediment, Lohan here provides a succinct précis of what we all know to be true: people are bastards People love the rumour mill. Insatiable, our thirst for gossip and hearsay! Give us a celebrity to back up on to and we’re there.

So it’s no surprise that this morning people the world over appear to be furiously forwarding each other e-mails about the latest tidbit of Cruise news.

Rumour "has it" that Tom Cruise was recently caught intimately frolicking with Rob Thomas, lead singer of Matchbox Twenty, on a mattress, with no clothes! It is unclear to whom the mattress belonged or to what extent clothes were or were not involved, but Rob Thomas (at least contractually) belongs to his wife, Marisol, who was none too pleased about the discovery.

With photos as collateral and threatening to file a minority report with the media unless Tom showed her the money, Marisol Thomas was apparently the catalyst for 2005’s hastiest but most heart-rending and believable celebrity union between Cruise and Katie Holmes.

This makes some kind of distorted but ultimately convenient sense. But poor Rob Thomas!

Has no-one been listening to his plaintive cries? This is a man who has been using nail polish as actual nail polish for years and who, despite being married, released a hit song about being lonely!

Just take a look at the lyrics to his solo single "Lonely No More", currently sitting at Number 18 on the ARIA singles chart:

I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this

Rob is tortured by his latent, heretofore unexpressed sexual urges and doesn’t want to be punished for what he feels. (Or he’s simply against hiring a hooker.)

What if I was good to you, what if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me

This imagery is about as subtle as a fist. Does Rob write for the Backstreet Boys?

What if it was paradise, what if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you

OK, this man is SO gay. Aside from longing to be a symphony (presumably the "woodwind" section), Rob is apparently so committed to feeling someone like Tom move inside of him that he’s actually contemplating requiring the effort of an entire lifetime simply to stand up!

Someone come to this man’s aid. Forget the "Free Katie" websites, the campaign to "Save Rob" starts here.


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