Scott, To Be Certain


Monday, July 11, 2005

Mariah: "We belong together," says songstress of breakfast condiment

As the world continues to feverishly finger itself to collective orgasm over Mariah Carey's shit-boring single "We Belong Together", I must brave potential ostracism by voicing my opposition to that woeful piece of crap.

This is a song that has racked up two weeks at Number 1 in this country and is allegedly the most played song ever on US radio. Most disturbingly, music reviewers and industry "mags" repeatedly spout that it may be her "best single ever".

I simply CANNOT be alone in recognising how misguided/totally fucked that line of thinking is.

Those with properly functioning brains not suffering from amnesia would know that Mariah's best single ever (and the best song of the entire year of 1997) was OBVIOUSLY "Honey".

"Honey" was amazing for the following reasons.

1. Its video featured Mariah resourcefully escaping both the clutches of inept Latin American kidnappers and potential quadriplegia by subsequently diving from the balcony of a splendidly designed "hacienda" or similar IN HIGH HEELS into a pool, emerging from it not in the too-tight mini-dress she'd previously sported but instead in an Ursula Andress-style bikini perfect for jet-skiing (a poetic visual rendering of Mariah's first emancipation from grandfather husband Tommy Mottola);

2. It is the dirtiest song ever written by a woman.

Yes. We could sit here all day debating the song's artistic merits, the fact that it represents one of Mariah's finest uses of a sample (a trend she helped establish in the early 90s [and became rather TOO excited about really, overall, but anyway]), the fact the title's mucilaginous fluid is expertly replicated by the song's own syrupy cadence, etc., but "Honey"'s true pièce de résistance is its depiction of Mariah's greatest sexual fetish.

A brief textual analysis demonstrates just what a horny hussy little Maz is.

Oh honey, you can have me when you want me
If you simply ask me to be there

Mariah is up for it all the time.

And you're the only one who makes me come running
'Cause what you got is far beyond compare

Mariah has orgasms on the treadmill just thinking about her partner's huge schlong.

And it's just like honey
When your love comes over me

Well, this is all very subtle isn't it.

Always strung out for another taste of your honey
It's like honey when it washes over me
You know sugar never ever was so sweet

No, never quite as sweet as SALT!

And I'm dying for ya, crying for ya, I adore ya
One hit of your love addicted me
Now I'm strung out on you darling
Don't you see, every night and day
I can hardly wait for another taste of honey

Mariah totally drinks this stuff by the litre.

Honey I can't describe
How good it feels inside
Honey I can't describe
How good it feels inside

That would be a big NO to the condom question then.

There you have it. Porn masquerading as a Top 40 hit! Mariah at her best and most believable.


  • At 1:12 PM, July 12, 2005, Anonymous Bec said…

    ... music reviewers and industry "mags" repeatedly spout that it may be her "best single ever".

    Relax Scotty. Going on her previous efforts, it would not be hard for this to be her best song effort. She hasn't exactly set the bar high on previous attempts. Still means it's an appalling song.

  • At 2:21 PM, July 12, 2005, Blogger Scott said…

    Thanks Bec but I must disagree.

    As much as it pains me to admit, I have a number of CD covers at home with the name "Mariah Carey" on them and can recall a headful of Carey-penned melodies that I actually consider well-written.

    (Please keep reading the site and refrain from ordering my execution.)

    The usual Carey rule of thumb is that every album, with a single word as its title, features an excellent upbeat lead single with a sample from a marginal late 70s song and a single word as its title.

    Emotions - Emotions
    Musicbox - Dreamlover
    Daydream - Fantasy
    Butterfly - Honey
    Rainbow - Heartbreaker
    Glitter - Loverboy

    The ancillary rule of thumb is that all subsequent singles are usually crap.

    At least 5 of the above are good, and the one that isn't at least redeemably featured two Mariahs in the video beating the shit out of each other.

    "We Belong Together" is not the lead single and is better than "It's Like That", which was, but it's otherwise easily worse than all the above songs.

  • At 1:34 PM, July 13, 2005, Blogger Jo said…

    Man. What a ho-bag.

  • At 2:18 PM, July 13, 2005, Blogger Jo said…

    OMIGOD! Update! Mariah's clothes fall off during live performance! And a shattered world averts its eyes!

  • At 2:33 PM, July 13, 2005, Blogger Scott said…

    Not a surprising development, really, given how tight her tops are. Mariah's a bit prone to swelling. You'd think the poor bitch would've recovered from that wisdom teeth surgery by now, for example.

  • At 10:48 AM, July 14, 2005, Anonymous Bec said…

    The girl should learn to wear a bra unless she wants to be retrieving her boobs from her knees in a few years time - or doesn't silicon sag?

  • At 7:06 PM, July 16, 2005, Blogger Brownie said…

    'one hit of your love' ? would that be Mottola beating her up (as she alleged).
    I think the photographer should get the royalties.
    Patti Smith managed big chart success without come-fuk-me pics.


Post a Comment

<< Home