Scott, To Be Certain


Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Keough K/O'd

Here is Klanie last night:

Poor bitch. They had to put her on an I/V drip afterwards. Maybe if Lindy Chamberlain had known how to turn it on like Klanie she could have avoided those 3 years in the slammer.

I'm going to miss Klanie. For all her imperfections, she was nothing if not predictably consistent: She comes from the outback, sang exclusively country songs (including one entitled "Redneck Woman") and her initials are "KK".

Suddenly the name "Klanie" makes much more sense. It must have gutted Klanie that it was Lavina who got to perform in a hood.

"At least we kan spell"

Meanwhile, last night's episode was also a Guthy-Renker infomercial for the new Marcia Hines CD.

Apparently, the first 4,000 purchasers of the CD will also receive a free DVD!

How refreshing! In this cynical day and age, in an industry as cut-throat as the music biz, someone boldly but implausibly imagining that 4,000 sales of that CD will occur.

Can someone actually please obtain a copy of that for my car

Monday, September 25, 2006


There were approximately 4 excellent performances on Idol last night, all by our resident girlfriends.

4th place: Marcia Hines
(Also known as: Connoisseur Of Virtually Every Song Ever Sung, Friend of Every Other Musician Ever)

Marcia wins the award for the most likely to have snorted her body weight backstage. Not content to let her upstart sister-girlfriends steal the limelight, Marcia also wins special mention for foisting on humanity some of the most asinine codswallop ever heard on the show. A choice selection:

(To Mutto) "I know what I'm singing." A cappella, obviously.
(To Klancie) "It's not easy to move when you're not used to moving." I'm sure Steven Hawking would concur.
(To Chris) "Thank you for standing." Taking gratitude to new levels.
(To Mutto) "Stay silent." A rare moment of reason and clarity.

3rd place: Lisa Mitchell
(Also known as: Baby-Girlfriend, The Best Thing To Come Out Of This Country Musically)

Lisa wins the award for the best song choice and best impersonation of the original version so far this series. A surprisingly good and promising performance. However, matters of concern moving forward for Lisa include:

1. Her wardrobe. It may need a bit of a refresher after she chose to perform wearing a green top that clearly matched her green hot pants she wore during stage practice.
2. Her diction. She is the only living practitioner of the English language that manages to morph an "r" into a "w". "And now I wonderrrww..."

2nd place: Lavina Williams
(Also known as: Girlfriend, Florence Griffith-Joyner & The Fingernails Of Death)

Vocally masterful. And yet I don't want to rate Lavina so highly, since she broke a cardinal Idol rule by singing a song made famous in a previous series by a similar performer (Paulini) without singing it in any way differently. Although to be fair, Paulini, unlike Lavina, didn't perform it wearing a cross between a girdle and a boxing glove.

1st place: Jessica Mauboy
(Also known as: The Likely Winner At This Stage)

Jessica's touchdown was probably a bit of an exaggerated response. The fire in Mark's wire and the shiver in his quiver were likely to erupt at some stage and it's realistically unsurprising that a 16 year old prompted it. She could have built the song up much more memorably and the deb gown was a bit of a mess but she's still streets ahead of the competition.

The Bottom 3:

10. Mutto. Also breached the cardinal Idol rule, singing a song performed infinitely more capably by Anthony Callea. It's time to go.
9. Bobby. Execrable but has too many fans. Not going anywhere.
8. Klanie. "Klanie [sic] is a star" said one fan's placard. Illiterate Australians are obviously Klanie's core fanbase but if you can't sing Shania Twain memorably and you're planning to be a country artist, it's time to start worrying. Love the new name though.

Not much better:

7. Chris. Marcia showed glimpses of genius in her critique of this performance which included the statement "you look so solid" and concluded with a resounding "whatever!".
6. Ricky. A gratuitous key change was the most exciting this performance got.

Reasonably decent:

5. Dean. Dean's Andrew G tribute hair is an increasing concern but this performance was an improvement, even if his delivery of the lyric "you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be" will have enraged the Hillsong set.
4. Damien. The most technically proficient male vocalist. A delight every time, but yet to be amazing.

And there you have it! Tune in tonight to watch Mutto get the chop.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Sahlene Solution

This is a picture of Anna Sahlene (pronounced SAY-lean):

Although maniacally obsessed with hoop earrings, this is not, in fact, what Anna is principally known for.

Instead, her pop cultural relevance can be summarised as follows.

1. She represented Estonia at Eurovision 2001, despite being Swedish.
2. She almost represented Sweden at Eurovision 2006, despite having committed treason in 2001.
3. She sounds a lot like Kate De Rouge.
4. She has a single out called "This Woman". "This Woman" is not about this woman:

Or this woman:

And that's about it for the moment.

However, if Anna's people have any commercial nous about them at all, they would realise three important facts.

1. "This Woman" is an excellent song.
2. "This Woman" is possibly the gayest song that ever existed.
3. Anna Sahlene's name is ripe for some word play.

Essentially, it's my contention that she could be sahlene down the river of success based on her puntastic name alone.

"I think you'll find it's 'rollin'' down the river"

Shut up Whitney.

Now. The question is this. What if "This Woman" was about this woman:

Wouldn't that be amazing? It might feature on this album:

But wait! What if "This Woman" was about this woman as well:

Can you imagine the possibilities? CAN YOU?

A fucking gold mine, I tell you.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Looking-For-Amyl Brandy

It is both fair and measured to declare that there is absolutely without exception nothing better than a whacked-out black female judge on a talent show.

There is significant and obvious supporting evidence for this claim in the form of Marcia Hines, who virtually fists herself each week on Australian Idol at the thought of banging any performer with a penis and who may well one day for a number of different reasons end up with severe arthritis of the neck.

In happier times

However, none of Marcia's asinine output over 4 years of Idol has come close to matching the amyl nitrate-assisted out-of-body experience recently exhibited by judge Brandy on the US show America's Got Talent.

During a kick-arse performance by 11 year old Bianca Ryan singing "And I'm Telling You (I'm Not Going)", the show-stopping number from Broadway musical "Dreamgirls" (and shortly to be performed by American Idol alumnus Jennifer Hudson in the Beyoncé-starring screen version), Brandy is so visibly moved by the rousing rendition that she:

1. calls the 11 year old "Mama";
2. moments into the performance flings her arms forward in the universally recognised gesture synonomous, one assumes, with "uh uh no she ain't";
3. gives a standing ovation mid-performance; and
4. in a flash of brilliance, raises her arm above her head Anna Nicole Smith style, as if to mark her "peak".


Young Bianca is separately quite amazing to watch and listen to in that clip. What pipes.

And as if the show weren't already sufficiently sublime, may I add that David Hasselhoff is also a judge on this show.

All it lacks, by the sounds, is room in one episode for Brandy to bitch-slap guest judge Monica into a coma.

In happier times

Monday, September 18, 2006

Soy Unfortunate: Finals Now Non-Derry

This is Mandy Moore performing "In My Pocket":

This is Jessica Mauboy performing "in the pocket":

Do you see?

I think it's important to recognise and applaud Jessica's commitment to decent hair now that the human jex pad Reagan What A Fucking Waste Dairy has completely pissed her future up a wall by choosing a shithouse rock song that even Eurovision winners Lordi wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Or a 5 ft Pole

It's safe to say that Reagan Dairy is the best talent to ever depart the finals so early on this show, but it's a departure that's unfortunately a richly deserved one. S2BC is sad to have chalked up a 2-for-2 prognostication record this year.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Sister-Girlfriends Doing It For Their Bad Selves

This is what a pair of gauntlets look like:

This is what a pair of Girlfriends look like:

Now imagine the former pair being thrown down by the latter, resoundingly and convincingly. In a devastating display of divadom and vocal prowess, that's what happened last night on Australian Idol, reducing the competition to a pair of fruntrunners quicker than you can say "Bitch, please."

Sponsored by Cadbury, Kelly Clarkson's vaguely successful album "Breakaway" spawned 17 singles, the last of which was "Walk Away". Tonight that song was absolutely owned by Jessica "Rhinestone" Mauboy and her bad self (with a little help from her bad waistline's bad self).

Kyle: Not ready for Jess' jelly

Meanwhile, Lavinia Nixon-Williams in her performance donned a hood to remind us of her roots, then removed it to remind us of her roots. Multi-layered symbolism! Bless.

Arrange them whichever way you like, Girlfriends sit so comfortably atop the list of performers this week that a cursory glance at the remainder is all that is warranted.

Bottom 3:

11. Reagan Dairy: Three truly fucked-up minutes for mini-Mariah. Buh-bye.
10. Mutto: Nauseating faux theatrics from someone who is potentially 32 years old, based on his claim to be twice the age of Lisa Mitchell. Obviously trying to dress up as lamb.
9. Dean Geyer: Boring piece of pap from neo-Millsy.

Not much better:

8. Chris Murphy: It would have been truly apt if, on Rock Night, Chris had sung a bit of Snout. Oh well.
7. Lisa Mitchell: An improvement on last week. I can't wait until she sings.

Surprisingly good:

6. Klancie-Lee Coulter-Keough, who is, I can't quite believe it, winning me over. Slightly.
5. Ricky Muscat: One of the few people to actually sing a rock song.

Someone who didn't sing anything remotely like a rock song:

4. Bobby Flynn, but whose ethereally smooth tones will carry him forward nonetheless.

And finally, at number 3, introducing the latest member of Ms H's team of cover operatives:

Code name: Brother-Man

Tune in tonight to watch Reagan Dairy find out just how lactose intolerant Australia is.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Whitney The Best

Much like the one pictured, Whitney no doubt copped her share of pearl necklaces from Bobby in 14 years of matrimonial comedown bliss.

It's perhaps unsurprising that's she's chosen to style herself post-Bobby as the neo-Tina Turner.

"What's she got to do with it"

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The AI4-Team: Cover Operatives

Starring Marcia Hines as "Ms H", The AI4-Team is a new Australian action/adventure television series about a team of cover operatives on the run from reality.

This is Ms H.

Ms H has teeth of porcelain and a heart of steel.

Ms H heads up a team of young would-be stars who battle evil through song.

To protect their identities, Ms H refers to her team members by code names only.

They are:

Joseph Gahetau
Age: Under 18
Code name: Baby Boy

Lisa Mitchell
Age: Under 18
Code name: Baby-girlfriend

Various male competitors
Code name: Boyfriend

SerenaLavina Williams & Jessica Mauboy
Ethnicity: Marcia-like
Code name: Girlfriend

Some white chicks
Code name: Darlin'

Baby Boy made his exit from the show last night after reality caught up with him. Girlfriend #1 and Darlin' #1 were both inexplicably at risk.

Tune in next week to watch the hilarity and hijinx of Baby-girlfriend's attempts at "Rock".

Monday, September 11, 2006

AI4: Right On, Target

For all its well-documented resurgence in popularity, the rebirth that Series 4 of Australian Idol represents also appears inadvertently to encompass a tribute to Idols Past.

During last night's show alone Marcia's husky delivery was a throwback to nodules-era Idol, while Sideshow Bobby Flynn's autistic re-hashing of "When The War Is Over" earned Cosima a second tip of the hat.

Lavina "Vaginal" Williams and Chris "Look, My Wife Is In The Kitchen While I Sing" Murphy provide reminders of their older, better siblings from series 3 and 2 respectively, while Andrew G - whose two surfie necklaces look promisingly tighter with each week that passes - and James Mathison reliably point out, as in each series, how little talent is required to host a top rating show.

"I thought I'd already made that relatively clear."


Of course, it's "all about the music". And the competiton has begun "in earnest".

The Bottom 3:

12. Joseph Gahetau

After going at it like a hammerin' Tongan in the early rounds with some fine R&B, Joseph seems to have left the Gahetau behind him in favour of bland ballads. When he got up towards the end leaving a stool behind him, he inadvertently and symbolically summarised the reaction his performance inspired. The worst by a mile.

11. Klancie Keough

Klancie of the Overflowing tearducts is now the stuff of legend after hilariously blubbering, "Ohh me! Did you say me?!" on being selected for the Top 24. Equipped with a special tongue-tickling skill "taught" to her by the backstage crew to keep her tears in check (so that's how she got the Wild Card...), Klancie's biggest risk is now being responsible for shattering millions of wineglasses at viewers' dinner tables. Horrendous.

10. Lisa Mitchell

The Best Thing To Ever Come Out Of This Country Musically declared the city "not for her" - apparently there's, like, "not enough grass" there. To counter this, Lisa obviously brought an ample stash of her own from home judging by how tranquillised her performance was. Singing with all the passion of a belch, it was like watching a high school poetry recital as opposed to a song contest. When Mark Holden, a massive supporter of The Best Thing To Ever Come Out Of This Country Musically, sought a response to the performance from the audience at home, Marcia eruditely responded, "They can't answer you, Mark." Who knew a brilliant mind lurked under those wigs?

And the rest:

9. Chris Murphy

Chris's voice has the raspy flavour of vintage Bryan Adams but his look is vintage Barry Gibb - crossed with a walrus. Enough said.

8. Guy Mutton

The father of the self-styled "Mutto" disturbingly announced that Mutto used to repeatedly bang his head into a pillow to fall asleep as a child. One wonders how often and with whom Mutto might continue this perverted ritual as an adult. Confident but boring.

7. Reagan Dairy

"Reagan Dairy" is the sort of term that might have been coined had Monica Lewinsky been born a couple of presidential terms earlier. It might also be the name of Reagan's own special brand of spilt milk after a song choice mis-step last night. Great vocals and fantastic hair is usually a formidable combination, but the obscurity of the excellent but lesser-known george song may spell trouble with voters.

6. Jessica Mauboy

A really good performance, even if baby-girlfriend shops at Target. Because she's among esteemed company, as Marcia announced that some of her best friends shop there. Wouldn't go near it herself, obviously.

Likely Target shopper

5. Ricky Muscat

One of the strongest male performers was solid again, although I question Ricky's ability to deliver "light" and "shade" or whatever other forms of solar manipulation Mark Holden is always blithering on about. In his pre-performance interview segment, Ricky described the risks of football thus: "You can get smashed anytime." By this reckoning Marcia no doubt enjoys the odd game of footy, particularly given her wacky performance last night. Notably peculiar was her declaration to Ricky that he must "show his heart" to do well in this competition, which would clearly be nothing but a blatant attempt to ride the ratings coattails of the success of the recent SBS series "Anatomy For Beginners" and which, frankly, sounds a little unnecessarily life-threatening for family television.

4. Damien Leith

I was too perturbed by Damien's shirt to properly enjoy this performance but I'm pretty sure it was on the money. However, I think Damo is dangerously close to indulging Mariah-style in falsetto overkill. One to watch.

3. Bobby Flynn

A decent, unique performance, but it was no Cosima De Vito.

2. Dean Geyer

With a black belt in karate, film star good looks and a heart full of Jesus, Dean just needs to keep turning up to win this competition.

1. Lavina Williams

Boyfriend Sister-girlfriend looked and sounded like a pro last night. Easily the best performance of the night, though may soon need to dodge rumours that she was kicked out of the stage version of the Lion King for plying fellow cast members with hash cookies.

And Lisa thinks there's no grass in the city.

Back to the hood or the herd? Stay tuned to see if it's Joseph or Klancie who gets turfed.