Scott, To Be Certain

DISCOURSE, DIGRESSION AND DIATRIBE FOR YOUR DAILY DIGESTION

Monday, September 25, 2006

Girlfrienzy

There were approximately 4 excellent performances on Idol last night, all by our resident girlfriends.


4th place: Marcia Hines
(Also known as: Connoisseur Of Virtually Every Song Ever Sung, Friend of Every Other Musician Ever)

Marcia wins the award for the most likely to have snorted her body weight backstage. Not content to let her upstart sister-girlfriends steal the limelight, Marcia also wins special mention for foisting on humanity some of the most asinine codswallop ever heard on the show. A choice selection:

(To Mutto) "I know what I'm singing." A cappella, obviously.
(To Klancie) "It's not easy to move when you're not used to moving." I'm sure Steven Hawking would concur.
(To Chris) "Thank you for standing." Taking gratitude to new levels.
(To Mutto) "Stay silent." A rare moment of reason and clarity.


3rd place: Lisa Mitchell
(Also known as: Baby-Girlfriend, The Best Thing To Come Out Of This Country Musically)

Lisa wins the award for the best song choice and best impersonation of the original version so far this series. A surprisingly good and promising performance. However, matters of concern moving forward for Lisa include:

1. Her wardrobe. It may need a bit of a refresher after she chose to perform wearing a green top that clearly matched her green hot pants she wore during stage practice.
2. Her diction. She is the only living practitioner of the English language that manages to morph an "r" into a "w". "And now I wonderrrww..."


2nd place: Lavina Williams
(Also known as: Girlfriend, Florence Griffith-Joyner & The Fingernails Of Death)

Vocally masterful. And yet I don't want to rate Lavina so highly, since she broke a cardinal Idol rule by singing a song made famous in a previous series by a similar performer (Paulini) without singing it in any way differently. Although to be fair, Paulini, unlike Lavina, didn't perform it wearing a cross between a girdle and a boxing glove.


1st place: Jessica Mauboy
(Also known as: The Likely Winner At This Stage)

Jessica's touchdown was probably a bit of an exaggerated response. The fire in Mark's wire and the shiver in his quiver were likely to erupt at some stage and it's realistically unsurprising that a 16 year old prompted it. She could have built the song up much more memorably and the deb gown was a bit of a mess but she's still streets ahead of the competition.

The Bottom 3:

10. Mutto. Also breached the cardinal Idol rule, singing a song performed infinitely more capably by Anthony Callea. It's time to go.
9. Bobby. Execrable but has too many fans. Not going anywhere.
8. Klanie. "Klanie [sic] is a star" said one fan's placard. Illiterate Australians are obviously Klanie's core fanbase but if you can't sing Shania Twain memorably and you're planning to be a country artist, it's time to start worrying. Love the new name though.

Not much better:

7. Chris. Marcia showed glimpses of genius in her critique of this performance which included the statement "you look so solid" and concluded with a resounding "whatever!".
6. Ricky. A gratuitous key change was the most exciting this performance got.

Reasonably decent:

5. Dean. Dean's Andrew G tribute hair is an increasing concern but this performance was an improvement, even if his delivery of the lyric "you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be" will have enraged the Hillsong set.
4. Damien. The most technically proficient male vocalist. A delight every time, but yet to be amazing.

And there you have it! Tune in tonight to watch Mutto get the chop.

6 Comments:

  • At 1:05 PM, September 25, 2006, Blogger Woodsman said…

    Scott, you are "created by god, chosen by me".

    And i was so waiting for James M to ask Bobby "show me on the dolly where Lavina touched you..." but instead twatpot incapable vegan-face jumped in with the 8th "so has anything been bad for you this week?"

    Gold: Lavina
    Silver: Damien
    Bronze: Jessica

     
  • At 1:35 PM, September 25, 2006, Blogger im-always-right.com said…

    I'm glad others saw that "Chosen by god, Chosen by me" banner, my mother spotted it actually.

    I'm going to agree with the Woodsman on his choices though, Queen "Lavina" Latifah at Number 1. Lavina is filled with more sass and diva-dom than Paulini and her "black eye" could ever hope to be.

    Jessica WAS splendid, but it's fairly obvious Mark gave her a touchdown just to attempt sticking it to Kyle.

     
  • At 2:26 PM, September 25, 2006, Anonymous enny said…

    I'm so glad I wasn't the only one wondering about her matching top...

     
  • At 7:26 PM, September 25, 2006, Blogger Hules said…

    I like your blog, but have you gone on a tirade about Vile Fattyland's cheap botox?

    He looks like a fat, stunned, fat, ugly and fat rodent.

     
  • At 9:56 PM, September 25, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I bet the same stupid girls that cream their pants for dean are the same type of jealous hags that want to claw the eyes of the hotties out on the town.

    I'm not a big fan of male/female comparisons, but men won't pledge their allegiance to an attractive girl with mediocre skillzz. Just look at what happened to Paris Hilton the starfish ha.

    Am I jealous? Of course not, what a droll suggestion. But this Dean Lust is just so conspicuous to me.

     
  • At 11:15 PM, September 25, 2006, Blogger Ashlee said…

    Glad to see others saw that banner haha... Mutto is also a god boy for those that hadn't picked it up.

    Love your blog by the way. Much better than that jaded journalist crap on the Idol site... My flatmates and I sit and watch Idol in a communal sugar induced stupor and were seen to be screaming at the TV "stick it to him sister!" when Jessica appeared in a white dress singing Beautiful. Up yours Sandilands... and good on Jess for realizing sledgehammer symbolism would be lapped up by the Idol audience... like myself and said flatmates.

     

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