Scott, To Be Certain


Tuesday, November 22, 2005

And De Winner Is...

Over the previous four seasons of American Idol, three seasons of Canadian Idol, and two series of Australian Idol that I've pathetically religiously followed, the correct and deserving winner has always managed to come through on top.

All good runs end. Just ask Roger Federer.

So Kate "De Rouge" is Australian Idol, on the strength of that wonderful performance of... Well, who could forget that spine-tingling rendition of... um...

Seriously, Kate is gorgeous, has a solid voice, is a brilliant role model for youngsters and, let's face it, it's a great story. Twice rejected by the judges at the first audition only to return a third time for the win. Good on her. In addition, the constant tears of Emily Williams are tiresomely reminiscent of a white hijab in an Indonesian court room.

But that doesn't make it right. Idol has been murdered.

"Join the club." (NB. Lack of groceries)

Monday, November 21, 2005

The Journey is Over

During last night's stupendously shithouse final performance show on Australian Idol 3, the camera darted out to an emotional Anne Robertson, her face awash with tears.

"Goodbye forever, Australian Idol TV Show," her eyes seemed to say. "I could have taken this show somewhere magic. Instead, mmm-hmm, these bitches are seriously blowing it."

Of course, what she was actually thinking was, "Thank our benevolent God for humans, and larynxes, and Emily Williams, who is, in defiance of centuries' worth of advanced medical understanding, my heart (and also, at times, confusingly, Marcia Hines's)."

"Congratulations - your heart is a healthy girl."

But the fact remains. Kate De Rouge dished out more of her consistent flatlining brand of "quite good", but Emily was so far below par she was virtually handing the title to Kate. (Though in her defence, Emily's woeful rendition of the most amazing pop song in a decade, "Since U Been Gone", was actually better than Kelly Clarkson's own performance of that song at the American Music Awards.)

And, since this is Australia, voters might just decide that Emily really is just an unchaste little thing from New Zealand who's really just not all that much better than our dinky-di, blond, slimming, country-town, Venetta Fields-coached-and-therefore-John-Farnham-impersonating young (possibly, in the future) powerhouse.

So who to vote for? There's a certain importance in the choice.

I know I am in the minority, but the fact is that both previous series of Australian Idol have delivered the correct winner. Obviously, Guy as winner of series one was a no-brainer (see Figure 1).

Fig. 1: A no-brainer

Barring Ricki-Lee's ejection and potential future touchdown opportunities therefore unexplored, and setting aside Anthony Callea's stunning rendition of "The Prayer", the correct choice as winner for series two was still Casey Donovan. She remains an amazingly gifted interpreter of song who earned five touchdowns in a single series. She just happened to be extremely poorly marketed by a misguided team of short-sighted alleged professionals, and was not helped by her own failure to grasp the concept of sentence structure.

Now neither Kate nor Emily has truly risen to Guy/Shannon/Cosima/Anthony/Casey/Ricki-Lee heights. But of the two, Emily is the only appropriate choice, despite her performance "efforts" last night. For Kate to win with no touchdowns and for just generally being "quite good" would be a bit shit, really. Emily needs to take this out if the show is to be saved at all.

But then again, perhaps it doesn't need saving. Three series is a good innings. That's two more than X-Factor, and precisely three more than "Cooks".

May the least objectionable singer "win".

Friday, November 18, 2005

AI3: De Past and De Present

As they say in certain remote pockets of English-speaking Canada, "Sorry."

What is all this a boot

Yes, how tedious to once again begin with an apology - and for once that old nemesis of mine, employment, isn't even to blame! (Except that it is.)

But anyway, there are far more important issues to discuss/bang on about.

No, I'm not talking about capital punishment/World Cup soccer/IR reforms. Quite clearly none of those boring inconsequential topics affects the world more profoundly than The Idol Franchise.

And it has come to pass that Australia has fabulously seen fit to promote two women to the grand final of Australian Idol 3. They are, in random order:

Diana DeGarmo
Fantasia Barrino

Oh, sorry! I was thinking about another similarly named ever-so-slightly ample-bodied young blond and another similarly giant-lunged wailing teenage mother Escaping A Life of Trailers who went at it in the third Idol series held in its country and in which the latter soundly and deservedly beat the former, even if the former is most probably an infinitely nicer person.

But that was American Idol 3, my bad.

Oh, look, it's Jennifer Hudson! But "news just in", it's not "Poor Jennifer Hudson" anymore!

Cop this, dudes: Jennifer has beaten Fantasia's illiterate ass to the role of Effie in the film version of Dreamgirls. The two were up against each other for the role but J-Hud scored. Sister-girlfriend could be an Oscar nominee!

"I'm quite visibly unmoved by that news."

Well, not me! Jennifer's ouster at six from that series of Idol is probably the entire franchise's most egregious tragedy. An amazing voice now on the path to greatness.

But back to tiny little Australian Idol and our finalists, Emily and Kate.

This is a no-brainer. Emily must win, for the sake of the franchise.

But fear not for Kate.

Sure, it won't be easy. Principally, she will soon need to publicly grapple with the life-long embarrassing mispronunciation of her own name. But once she acknowledges that as a musician she will sell far more records as Kate De Rouge (or perhaps just "De Rouge"), it's only a matter of time before she becomes the face of Garnier, sends Kirstie Alley off our screens and does a world-beating cover of Chris DeBarge's "Lady in Red".

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Blog, Interrupted

Hello to all and sundry (especially the latter).

Firstly, apologies for my electronic impersonation of Helen Keller in the past couple of weeks. An unfortunate recent spate of virtually innumerable consecutive months providing labour to increase the already disgustingly vast wealth of someone else at work culminated in the need to "take annual leave".

So I left. And then returned (sadly).

In between those two events was a period of time in Cambodia, which is a confronting and exhilirating place at the same time. The city of Phnom Penh in particular provides what is best described as a sensory assault: noise, dirt, heat, pollution and aggressively enterprising Cambodians selling goods and services (in every sense of the word "service") make for a challenging environment (especially if attempting to pass oneself off as Cambodian, I realise that now). But this is obviously offset by its cultural riches.

A typical Cambodian family

In my absence, of course, interesting "goings-on" appear to have "gone on".

  1. The wondrous Chris Bath was robbed by Kate Economou Rebekah Elmaloglou Ada Nicodemou Home & Away in the final of Dancing With The Stars III: Revenge of the Shithouse Host Still Inexplicably Marketable. I mean, Ada is lovely and all, and was quite fetching in The Matrix in that demanding scene where she had to expose a tattoo of a rabbit on her shoulder, but I obviously don't need to point out that Chris Bath is far more deserving of the title and is, to boot, the most charismatic reader of a teleprompter newsreader alive.

    "We all feel so empty and drained," said a relative after the loss

  2. Daniel Spillane was thankfully sent packing from Idol. He had absolutely no business being in the Top 5 (occupying Saint Anne Robertson's spot) or even the Top 12 for that matter, though he is no doubt a splendid fellow. (Even if one unnamed reader of this site claims he looks "capable of something sinister, like fingering his niece".)

  3. Extremely obese Dan England was voted off Idol in an extraordinarily close vote. I am resoundingly unmoved by that result, because Dan has no charisma, no stage presence, looks like a cross between Abraham Lincoln and Mutley the Dog, is a really average singer and, most relevantly of all, is twice the size of Casey Donovan (but nowhere near as phat*). Amusingly, Peter Beattie, Premier of Queensland, is demanding Dan be reinstated on the basis of daylight savings. This is exciting because it means that politicians sometimes actually consider relevant social issues but it is otherwise disappointing, because that slimmed down and newly perky-boobed non-smoking former blond, Sara Marie, never received any government support following her even more clearly unjust ouster from Big Brother 1.

  4. The Final 3 Idol contestants in order of merit are Emily Whitneyams, Kate de Rouge and

    Lee Try-Harding.

    So the finalists comprise a blubbering New Zealander with a phantom child, an anorexic John Farnham impersonator and an adulterer who is the worst male vocalist since Millsy. How I yearn for Guy, Shannon and Cosima.

    Emily having a whale of a time

Alrighty then. Back to earning someone else's living.

*S2BC is an unashamed enthusiastic supporter of Casey Donovan. Her rendition of "Beautiful" by India.Arie is the fourth best Idol performance of all time, though she should really reconsider impersonating a knitted tissue box cover on national television next time. Instead, wouldn't it just be money for jam for Channel Ten if they recruited her for this?