Scott, To Be Certain


Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Dream Girl

With the upcoming release of Hollywood's latest attempt at a mercifully Zellwegerless musical, Dreamgirls, I consider it high time for a tribute to its star.

And I don't mean the Crocodile Huntress.


The original stage musical is loosely based on the story of Diana Ross and the Supremes. Bidet-loving Beyoncé plays the Ross-like lead, but indisputably the film's best role is to be played by none other than Jennifer Hudson (to the right, to the right, in the photo below).

Yes! She of American Idol 3, who was sensationally ousted after delivering the 2nd best American Idol performance in history (Barry Manilow's "Weekend In New England").

Ms Hudson is interchangeably brilliant, amazing and sensational for several important reasons.

Evidence of Brilliance 1:

She beat out Fantasia Barrino for the Dreamgirls role!

Fantasia, who went on to win that series of Idol in J-Hud's absence (and who is responsible for the finest American Idol performance ever, "Summertime"), was the loser on this occasion. As a result, she decided to make a TV movie about her life - and, of course, STAR IN IT AS WELL. As you do.

I'm told the production contains a scene in the back of a truck - where her spawn was conceived! WHO DOES THIS. (The film, not the truck - I'm fine with the truck.)

Evidence of Brilliance 2:

She looks a bit like a dog! Which, as we know, is timely.

Evidence of Brilliance 3:

J-Hud's greatest asset, perhaps, is her cousin.

Now the stuff of internet legend, J-Hud's cousin shot to fame after appearing onscreen during one of J-Hud's Idol performances looking completely fucking nonplussed by the whole affair.

Bitch, please

Isn't that grand? The internet have named the cousin "Whatevia Santiago", in a nod to what appears to be the general sentiment conveyed by her body language in that screenshot.

She is now almost as famous as J-Hud, sitting in for Oprah:

And Lamb Chop:

Has there been a more talented family?

"Probably not"

So as you can see, the premiere of this film is to be celebrated. Stay tuned.

Schmackos: Trick Or Treat?

Hallowe'en is obviously the best time of year to make use of submissive chihuahuas.

Provided, of course, you have another dog who can snarl on cue.

Pugs are also highly useful during this season.

Have a good one if you're trick-or-treating tonight (or treating-your-trick, for all you Myer shoppers).

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Daylight Thievings

So it's always hysterical when something fucks up at this time of year.

What's additionally hysterical is when it happens in consecutive weeks. Due to daylight savings.

Yep: missed it AGAIN.

I no, rite?

Anyway, I heard Jess got a touchdown, as did Chris, who let his hair hang down across his greasy nape for another week.

On the basis that no-one has ever received a touchdown and then been bounced, I'm betting on a Ricky-Dean bottom 2 with Ricky to go.

Meanwhile, I'm looking to YouTube as a means to verify the Idol website summary's suggestion that Marcia said, "Mark, you so ACIDY!"

If this actually occurred, then Marcia may just have become immortal.

19 10 10 Jess - Peace Out.

Memory Lane

As promised, the AI2 tribute has begun.

If you yearn for the days when Marcia had an opinion, click here for a post chronicling Marcia's progressive anti-Chanel campaign.

A week later, it was laughs aplenty as we witnessed the Top 7 deliver excellent comedy performances on Beatles' night.

To re-live the most tragic Idol results show on record, I give you Ricki-Lee's sensational departure.

Friday, October 27, 2006

I Like Your Old Stuff Better Than Your New Stuff

There used to be a time when the word "blog" only made me think of a prolonged visit to the men's with the sports section of The Age.

"That's a ridiculous way to read a newspaper"

To each their own, bitch.

Anyway, in mid-2004, when I randomly wrote something about Australian Idol 2 to share with a handful of work colleagues, it was by the primitive means of E-MAIL.

"We find that vaguely disquieting"

I know, right? But it turns out that Australian Idol 2 was one of the best things to ever exist - and everyone wanted to talk about it. It foisted polarising new characters onto the public consciousness (several very literally larger than life), incited empassioned debate and jeopardised several workplace friendships thanks to the crafty use by an opinionated few of the "reply-all" button in response to said e-mails produced many memorable performances.

And so the e-mails continued. They eventually gave way to the blog in time for Australian Idol 3 - but that, as we all know, ended in a fucking dreadful shambles.

A visual representation of the result (strap-on not visible)

Further disillusioned by the shittest Final 5 in the show's history this year, I thought it high time to revisit the show's halcyon days from 2004.

That year featured some of the show's most brilliant stoushes: Marcia v Chanel, Casey v Anthony, Ricki-Lee v Everyone Who Didn't Vote, Courtney v A Trough.

Check back over the next few days at this here little micro-blog as I up-load those old e-mails for the purpose of said reminiscing.

As you'll see, the blog's genesis fittingly lies with the Marcia God.


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

From Mascara to Rouge

One of the sad realities of the Internet is that there is very little of it dedicated to Tammy Faye Bakker (now Messner).

Do you remember that brilliantly trashy harridan of a woman from the 80s? She of the scandalous televangelist husband, oversized hair and applied-with-a-broom mascara.

Her story is firmly anchored alongside shoulder pads in the pop cultural vestiges of that decade. But what about now?

Well, this doesn't sound too good.

Poor Tammy! When she was well, she looked like this:

Although she probably also looks like that when she's not. Which really just goes to show the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Makes you wonder what she must have looked like in her 20s.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Back To The Murray With You

So Lisa and her half-octave vocal range were turfed last night.

It's shame that The Best Thing To Come Out Of This Country Musically could only manage to finish in 6th place. That's a shithouse indictment on us all.

However, 6th is still impressive, for a performer in a singing competition who never actually sang.

Then there's the whole "no breasts" fiasco.

Poor love. She even wore a strategically shaded top last night, to suggest where she might one day "fill out".

Must have been annoying when the photographer asked her "how many". And yet she still smiled and politely answered. Bless.

We must now see fit to turf Chris in order to leave Jess with the mantle of sole breast-owning performer.

Your co-operation is appreciated.

Monday, October 23, 2006


The following people have on different occasions publicly pleaded that electricity be manipulated in their favour.

In the early 90s, clumsy Belinda Carlisle asked us all to leave a light on for her, thinking this would help her navigate around her giant mansion. She should've tried opening her eyes, but what can you expect from a chick who fucks horses.

Meanwhile, Nelly Furtado, prior to admonishing cannabilistic females and shortly after banging on about her resemblance to a parrot, shoved it right back in Belinda's face by asking bitch to turn off said light. About a decade later, mind.

No matter. The Powers That Be are loving Nelly at the moment, seemingly.

Because the Powers fucking chose Not To Be at about 7.30pm last night, at the precise moment my VCR was scheduled to tape Idol.

"Are you fucking kidding me, where are my acorns etc."

How can you think of food at at time like this? Did Chris' performance inspire those thoughts? I can't even tell, seeing as I resultantly missed the show.

So in the absence of anything to recap, I must content myself with pictorial commentary, courtesy of the Australian Idol website.

That McDonald's sponsorship is obviously thriving. I've really been far too harsh on Chris, haven't I?

Here's Ricky, demonstrating why he has taken over from Marty Worrall as the new Most Annoying Holder Of A Microphone Ever.

Look, it's Lisa producing sitting on a stool. Next.

Impersonating Heather Mills was a topical choice, if a little obscure.

Yes, we know where He is. Jesus.

Look, it's Helen Keller!

She looks fantastic! Was she any good? I fucking hope so.

I really hope he finishes in 3rd place.

A power outage, an earthquake and a change to Andrew G's hairstyle all in one night?

Looks like I missed a good "ep".

To make matters worse, I hear Ricky was actually good.

I shudder to imagine tonight's result...

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Graf-ic Detail

So I was thinking today that I miss Steffi Graf.

Steffi was that tennis rarity: graceful and noiseless.

She went out with a bang in 1999, ranked number 3, but she's been a trophy wife ever since.

Now that Andre's retired, we'll probably see her even less.

But that's ok, because we have Laura Dern!

Can you see the untapped film opportunities?

Let's have a look at that again:

And to think they chose Kirsten Dunst for Wimbledon.

AI4: How To Lack Lustre

It's fair to say that in 2006 Australian Idol re-established itself.

Part of its renewed lustre was attributable to an increase in the maximum age of participants (30) and its promise to counter past criticism with a format change providing competitors with opportunities to play instruments and perform their own compositions.

This reinvigoration appealed to viewers, who seized the opportunity to vote through to the Top 12 some uniquely impressive musicians, such as these:

For a while, it seemed Australian Idol might achieve some kind of ironic mainstream crossover: that is to say, a cross from the pop mainstream into pop relevance.

The show recently recorded its highest ratings since its first season.

In graphic terms, one might represent Season 4 like this:

Unfortunately, that little bubble of possibility was punctured.

First Reigan Derry dug her own grave with lamentable song choices in consecutive weeks. Short-sighted voters didn't save her. Strike 1.

Next, Lavina Williams failed to carefully select winning songs that would showcase her clear vocal supremacy to less astute viewers. In doing so she failed to emote in the same way as her sister, perhaps because she's obviously more fond of food - and hash - than teeage motherhood. Short-sighted voters didn't save her. Strike 2.

Which brings us to last night.

The elimination of Bobby Flynn = Strike 3.

Statisticians might refer to the Australian Idol viewership moving forward like this:

And so somehow we have gone from boasting an impressive Top 12 featuring these talents:

To a disastrous Top 6 featuring these profiteers of misfortune:

It was fun while it lasted.

There's potentially one saving grace: it's clearer than ever who the Final 3 should be.

If you miss Bobby already, remember that she's still on Celebrity Survivor...

...but then poor Dicko would remind you of Idol's past glories as well.

Poor Australian Idol.

Poor Dicko. :-(