Scott, To Be Certain


Thursday, March 29, 2007

Fergie From The Block

I am experiencing a massively delayed reaction vis-à-vis the output of Stacy Ferguson.

The woman is a spectacular inventress.

First, she invented herself a killer rack (see above), after having invented herself a credible music career, by way of Black Eyed Peas and a hilarious stint on 'Kids Inc.' as a child (with Martika!).

Then she seized the moniker Fergie from someone who already existed. Seizing things that already exist would later become a hobby (see below).

Her greatest creation is obviously that recent, rich contribution to linguistics 'Fergalicious', a word she was forced to coin after a slagfight with Nelly F and Beyoncé which revealed she was neither bootylicious nor promiscuous but still a coke-snorting bitch.

It's an infectious, shouty slice of feisty pop brilliance which also reveals Stacy's lazy songwriting keen ear for existing good tunes: the song borrows HEAVILY from "Supersonic" by J.J. Fad, an excellent song (with a gloriously 80s video) that is frankly screaming to be copied (cf. Sarah Ferguson). Its catchy 4-syllable hook fits 'Fergalicious' perfectly, and in turn spawned 'Condilicious', which is about exactly who it sounds like it's about. Please witness both gems below and thank me later.

Continuing Stacy's fascination with adjectives, 'Glamorous' is her current single, the obligatory 'I was once poor but, although now famous, am still me' rubbish that successful singer-actresses with guilt complexes feel the need to enunciate to the world.

It's a corker of a tune, hauntingly informing us that being rich and fergalicious has not changed Stace as a person and that she is still, in fact, a coke-snorting bitch.

Yes, she copped out and borrowed an existing word for the title of this song, but the song's lyrics contain a further startling invention. Please inspect the following video at 3:24, 3:16, 3:09, 2:25, 2:18, 2:11, 1:12, 1:05 and 0:57 and tell me what the fuck she is saying.

She appears to be talking about Flopsy and Mopsy, fuck buddies of Cottontail in the Peter Rabbit stories.

If it is not "Flopsy, Mopsy..." that she singing, is it perhaps "flossy, flossy..."? If so, surely dental floss is an affordable grocery item no matter what your level of wealth or fergaliciousness? Please tell me, in the comments, if you know what the fuck this means, or I will be forever condemned to sing along in the car with "Flopsy, Mopsy" in my head on loop.

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Thursday, March 22, 2007

Australia's Next Top Host

Jodhi Meares is nothing if not determined.

First, she convincingly challenged Dannii's stranglehold on the title of Most Maniacally Obsessed With Silent, Redundant Letters, launching a craze from which Gippsland has never recovered.

Next, she subjected herself to marital sex with a sloth - for love! Bless.

Now, after merciful divorce and birthing a fashion label, she has been appointed the host of Australia's Next Future Wife Of A Business Mogul.

I don't have Foxtel and have never seen an episode of the show, however I understand that I would be addicted to it so am pleased to be spared.

It did occur to me, though, that Jod-hee looks a bit like Amy's Winehouse, no?

Amy is all over every piece of print media at the moment for her single "Rehab", which isn't about Britney or Ben Cousins, but rather her own battle with alcoholism. This woman loves the bottle even more than Jennifer Keyte - if you can imagine that.

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Saturday, March 17, 2007

Motherhood Statements

I was delighted to finally stumble across Natasha Bedingfield's deliriously bonkers new single on the radio yesterday.

It's called "I Wanna Have Your Babies", a bold statement which involves Natasha wanting to have her insides amply and regularly lathered in man-juice for the specific purpose of conceiving and then bearing at least two offspring. It's absolutely ridiculous but instantly memorable: "La la la la la; l-la, l-la."

Natasha earned consecutive high chart placings in S2BC's end-of-year charts for 2004 ("These Words") and 2005 ("Unwritten"), so we'll see if this utterly absurd new single has similar staying power. I'm not really sure about the single sleeve though, where the intention is obviously for her to appear relaxed but bitch clearly hasn't slept in days and she seems to be having trouble snapping her head into place.

The whole procreationist theme, too, is a slight departure from the focus of her last album, also called "Unwritten", which was all about not writing things. ("What a horrendous prospect" - Dorothy Parker)

On "These Words" Natasha famously lamented not being able to find a killer hook. The irony being, of course, that the song, and the principal hook, were devastatingly catchy. In fact, the entire first album was a sensation: the repackaged international version, released following her American success, featured no less than 7 brilliant songs (featured below in descending order of brilliance):

These Words
The One That Got Away
Peace Of Me
I'm A Bomb
Size Matters

Please visit iTunes immediately to acquire all of them.

I want to hope that Natasha's new album, to be entitled "N.B.", will be similarly replete with musical gems and find similar international success. Obviously this is going to depend on the album sleeve that she chooses. And she is no stranger to JoJo-like multiplicity: "Unwritten" featured at least 4 different ones.

The first one is clearly the best but the rest are still decent --> encouraging.

So what can we expect from the savvy marketing people at Sony BMG for the follow-up?

Naturally, to promote her all-important sophomore album, Natasha has morphed into a FUCKING MULLIGRUB. Oh dear.

We'll have to wait and see how this one fares. Natasha is obviously counting on a lot of one-eyed supporters.

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Memorable Quotes #2

"I hate writing. But I love having written."

- Dorothy Parker
, American author and humorist (pictured above during the writing process)

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Memorable Quotes #1

"This election is like driving a car. Think about it. You get into the car. You want to go backwards, you put it in 'R'. You want to go forwards, you put it in 'D'."

- Hilary Clinton

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Well Luka't That: Kinnearly Identical

I just got back from the Port Fairy Folk Festival, an annual gathering of unemployed people with guitars.

Some of it was extremely enjoyable, such as the quirky Kate Miller-Heidke set, the smoky tones of Liz Stringer and the mind-blowingly good Christine Anu.

Seeing Christine's name written always makes me think of that one isolated time many years ago when Richard Stubbs said something funny: He was hosting the ARIAs and hilariously noted that Christine's career had come a long way since she'd wisely dropped the 's' off the end of her surname.

No-one in the audience laughed, but my sides required surgery. Good times.

Anyway, Christine's haunting voice aside, nothing from the the folk festival was quite as memorable as the 'separated at birth' scenario that I witnessed with mine own eyes.

It happened when I went to see Luka Bloom, that venerable Irish folk icon who is still pumping out fresh tunes with flair and pizzazz (as opposed to pizzas).

As I watched him from the front row, an irresistible sensation of familiarity overcame me. Luka seemed so supremely recognisable to me, and yet I hadn't before that moment even laid eyes on a picture of him.

For a while I assumed it was because his name is Luka, he lives upstairs from me, etc. "Yes, I think you've seen me before," his eyes wagered at me.

By this point Suzanne Vega's wretchedly hypnotic 80s mantra had invaded my brain, but not so wholly as to prevent the eventual dawning of the reason for that curiously familiar sensation: Luka is actually Greg Kinnear!

Is that a bloomin' coincidence or what? There's just no telling what folks you can meet at a festival.

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Friday, March 02, 2007

Found In Translation

If you found Babel's messages about cross-cultural communication a tad pretentious, perhaps you'll instead be moved by the following insightful treatise on modern translation.

Thank God for the inimitable brilliance of comic genius Catherine Tate, perhaps the most gifted female comedian currently working.

(Apologies to Margaret Cho, Ellen DeGeneres, Judith Lucy and Sarah Silverman.)