Scott, To Be Certain


Thursday, August 04, 2005

M.O.R.(E.) Idol

"You see them in the street. You watch them on TV.
You might even vote for one this fall.
You think they’re people just like you.
You’re wrong. Dead wrong."

This is the promotional tagline for a B-grade (and therefore utterly sublime) science fiction film from 1988 called "They Live", in which aliens invade Earth imperceptibly because they are indistinguishable from humans without the aid of special sunglasses.

It could also be the tagline for our own B-grade yet utterly sublime Australian Idol, which was last night invaded by a particularly bothersome type of alien: M.O.R. (middle-of-the-road) performers who are stupendously shithouse and who somehow fooled ALL 3 JUDGES – not just Kyle – into issuing them a "yes" for Round 2. Not one member of the panel last night appeared to possess the requisite instruments – in this case, functioning ears – to recognise said performers’ otherwise exceptionally obvious lack of merit.

Irrefutable Example Number 1: The tap-dancing delight skilfully exposed by Mark Holden as a gay man (and hailing almost implausibly from “the Victorian border”), who minced colourfully around the audition set with nothing even remotely resembling tone or vocal control and yet earned a spot in the next round. Ridiculous.

Irrefutable Example Number 2: The filthy, horny teen serenading some random neigh-worthy blond with a Frank Sinatra tune delivered even more weakly than Shannon Noll’s suicide-inducing rendition in 2003. Second base was all he wanted; he’s wound up in the second round. Offensive.

Perhaps they got through on "charisma" or "originality". But if so, then bring back Tuesday’s pincushion-faced denim punk chick NOW. Her spot has been stolen, twice.

The rock dude who sang "Run to Paradise" was the night’s one saving grace. That and Marcia’s disdainful comment to one under-dressed female performer that she looked "ready to run". (From an inevitable pack rape, presumably.)

Frankly, you should all consider following the wonderful Canadian Idol 3. It is FAR more exciting at this point! Although they apparently have their own kind of weird giant-headed aliens over there:

And they have Naomi Watts as a contestant! Ever the chameleon, she appeared on Tuesday’s show as Jewel:

It’s an old joke, but let’s all put Jewel’s hands together for Naomi Watts and the excellent Canadian Idol:

As for Australian Idol, we can only hope the obligatory two week opening exposé on the spectacular mediocrity of M.O.R. Australia will give way to an eventual and exciting revelation of talent to cheer for.

Because, as memorably foreshadowed by one character in "They Live", "the middle of the road is the worst place to drive".


  • At 11:24 AM, August 05, 2005, Blogger Dxxxx said…

    Pin-cushion face chick so should have been there !!!!!
    Did they even ask if she was prepared to lose the metal ????
    Yet again it seems idol is one of those hideous car crashes that we just can't seem to look away from....

  • At 5:07 PM, August 05, 2005, Anonymous Manny said…

    Enought about Idol Scotty (for now at least!), I think a few movie reviews are in order. I'd like to hear your take on that Australian masterpiece 'Houseboat Horror' starring Alan Dale.


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