Scott, To Be Certain


Wednesday, August 17, 2005

AI3, Semi-Final 1: Pretty Bloody Avo

If you say something enough times with sufficient conviction, the theory is that eventually people will believe you.

Mark Holden has tried twice now to assert his belief that this year's Top 30 is better than last year's.

But, frankly, if it looks like Kathy Bates and walks like Kathy Bates, it's probably not Catherine Zeta-Jones, you know?

And so it goes. Last night's first semi-final group of 10 offered, in the main, fair to middling performances. For the purposes of establishing an irrefutable comparative argument, at this stage last year we had Courtney Murphy, Hayley Jensen and the ceaselessly amazing Chanel Cole. Courtney and Hayley were even reasonably acceptable at that point.

This year... well. Lots of shitheads giving cheek to the judges and thanking the goddam band. ENOUGH. Sing, accept criticism, get off: you are not Idols yet.

Last night's performances ranked from worst to best:

10. Lindsay West
Sang "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper

Is this boy perhaps just a tad retarded? I wonder if he can spell "orthodontist". I suspect not. Whatever the case, I'm a bit tired of Kyle trying to convince me he is Catherine Zeta-Jones. He's not even Kathy Bates. He's, like, Norman Bates. Scary to look at, painful to listen to, and completely inexplicably full of confidence. Please leave.

9. Irene Bosmans
Sang "Turn the Beat Around" by Gloria Estefan

This little tart was not spanked as a child and is all the worse for it. Horrendous song choice. This is not even a song you should choose on "Gloria Estefan Night". Boring.

8. Joshua Williams
Sang "All My Life" by K-Ci & JoJo

Has the look, the accent and probably sings better than most boy band members. Obviously a nice boy too. And the girly vote will carry him through. But, whatevs. Yawn. Too pitchy, dawg.

7. Chloe Zuel
Sang "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson

Shithouse song choice, although Kyle obviously isn't aware that this is actually Kelly's next single. Did anyone get a load of those lyrics? "Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk"? Jesus. This shit is so far from the sidewalk it's in the middle of the road. Anyway. Chloe's nice enough, and has some sort of mole on her chin that almost looks like a subversively placed labrette, but nowhere near the sort of vocal accuracy to be impressive.

6. Dan Spillane
Sang "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw

Disappointing effort. Looked a bit constipated and wasn't aware that more than one camera gets used on a live TV show. Good-looking with potential, and a sure-fire Wildcard competitor, but not on the basis of this.

5. Chris Luder
Sang "Beautiful Soul" by Jesse McCartney

Fucking woeful by Chris's standards, but still ranks fifth for obvious stage presence and movement. Clearly will be in the Top 12 no matter what. But this really did suck. And he kind of looks like another character from Chris Lilley's "We Can Be Heroes", don't you think?

4. Jade-Lori Crompton
Sang "1 Thing" by Amerie

Jade-Lori gets immediately demoted for not attempting that bit in the song where Amerie impersonates a bell. That would've been cool. Looks completely the part and would be a welcome inclusion in the Top 12 but I need to know she can actually sing before she gets my vote. Nice grunting though. Levi would be proud.

3. Seth Haapu
Sang "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" by Many Other Singers Previous to Him

One of the three most vocally talented, with Anne (below) and Chris. And it showed. Surprisingly good.

2. Tarni Stephens
Sang "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns 'n' Roses

I suspect I will end up despising Tarni. But last night she came out firing with probably the best song choice of the night. Could've used more grunt, but hopefully the lack of it won't Tarni-sh her chances. (Couldn't resist.)

1. Anne Robertson
Sang "Home" by Whitney Houston

Yay! Paulini is back! The most effortless of the night and, I think, despite her shyness, showed the most potential for growth. Hey, Shakira is shy. In a small, humble way. Anyway. Need to do something about Anne's name though. Sounds like the choir director at a nursing home. Perhaps a silent "Z" in the front?

Despite this, I think the 3 who go through will be Chris, Jade and Josh. We'll see.

The Marcia God's massive double helix DNA necklace was perhaps supposed to remind us that talent is innate. (Or that she's kinky and enjoys "beads" or similar.) But from what I can tell, the only thing innate in this group is their ego.


  • At 12:32 PM, August 17, 2005, Blogger Woodsman said…

    Seth was simply Poo - indeed it was the worst live music performance I have ever heard and I was at teh grand final where the large indigneous lady (no not Deborah Mailman) ended the Australian Anthem 2mins before the band did.
    Of the 60odd that sang Signed Sealed Delivered in the group performance stage of the competition last year 59 of them did a better performance and the other was probably Marty Worrall. If i hear anymore "vocal gymnastics" i will scream. Furthermore isnt NZ Idol running over in NZ at the moment - the boy is pox.

  • At 10:45 AM, August 19, 2005, Anonymous Bec said…

    Love Chris (hate the song, love his funkiness)

    Can't stand anyone who sings "Turn the Beat Around".

    Expected more from Dan - wildcard I think he'll be.

    Seth is going to annoy me real quick - too cocky too early.

    Go Tarni - Brissie rock chick who's so much more rock than the "rock chick" from AI1 whose name I quickly forgot and who managed to get herself fired from Video Hits of all things.

    Happy enough with first three who get through. Let's see how disappointing next week is.

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