Scott, To Be Certain


Monday, April 23, 2007

BB07: Celebrating Ethnic Diversity

Another Big Brother year has finally kicked off, and S2BC offers the following exclusive, mature, measured and completely unsuperficial observations about it.

1. Neo-nazism is running rife within BB Headquarters judging by the principally blonde Anglo-Saxon contingent. It otherwise represents an excellent cultural cross-section of the community in Camberwell.

2. With the exception of the repugnant mini-Aqmal Joel, the producers have corralled the token ethnics safely into the 6 wildcard/almost-contestants so as not to be burdened by their otherness.

3. In the case of the dreadful men's rights cruz-sader Cruz, this is a good thing.

4. Susannah is by far the best out of all the contestants to grace the stage last night and she isn't even guaranteed a spot.

4. Kate looks like a piece of pressed ham whose denim mini and tights were functioning much like the string around a Sunday roast. Additionally, she clearly had her eye shadow applied by Michael J. Fox.

5. However, the producers clearly like Kate and have given her a pudgy playmate, Jamie, who last night passionately introduced everyone to his cat. (This may also be Kate's eventual intention.)

6. Rebecca is a God-fearing milk-lover who is completely bonkers about group games. She looooooooooves her some fireside Mormon camp icebreakers. However, when she later professed to her ability to party for hours on the strength of a single glass of "milk", we were invited to consider whether a euphemism was at work. This possibility became clearer when she pounced on Fireman Andrew: when he declared himself single, she instantly said, "I can change that." Hussy.

7. Travis is a horrendous bogan whose evil-looking spawn child looked fresh out of John Carpenter's Village Of The Damned.

8. Rumours are rife that Emma is a post-operative trannie. Notwithstanding that there is definitely no room for a uterus in her puny, starving body, she may well have been the vessel for Travis' evil white-haired spawn.

9. Hayley is legally qualified but works in the Family Business. It is unclear if her Family Business is like the Morans' Family Business, but she is Obviously Very Smart because she has a Legal Qualification. She also has an inordinately elongated arse.

10. Bodie has defied the laws of medicine by functioning without a brain for his entire life.

11. Thomas, the giant failed basketballer, is facing an anguished choice between returning to his wife, remaining married but screwing another woman exclusively or remaining married but screwing several women indiscriminately. Poor love. It seems possible that the cryptic clue Gretel revealed about two pre-existing relationships in the house may relate to Thomas: what if both his wife AND ex-girlfriend were in with him, without either of them knowing the other?

All in all, so far = "a bit shit". But Big Brother can usually turn on a dime, so let's see what tonight has in store.

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  • At 7:06 PM, April 23, 2007, Blogger Kamikaze Camel said…

    I don't plan on watching it this year. What's the bet the loud woman loses to another dimwit "hot" guy.

    Vesna was the best housemate ever thank you very much.

  • At 10:25 PM, April 23, 2007, Blogger Scott said…

    Yes, Big Brother invariably follows a formula.

    It looks a bit like this:

    1. Big Brother commences mid-April.

    2. Gretel Killeen consults Helen Keller as stylist.

    3. Outspoken Initially Maligned Female Competitor ("OIMF") identified.

    4. Big Brother Uncut, hosted with disgust by Bride of Christ Killeen, attracts criticism.

    5. Groundswell of support for OIMF enables her to gradually reach favourite status while revealing her true character to be interesting, entertaining and, especially, vulnerable.

    6. Powers That Be consult their winners' manual and realise OIMF does not fit in to Category 1 - Fun, Ditzy, Inoffensive Bogan Female, Category 2 - Boring (Allegedly Hilarious) Islander or Category 3 - Less Interesting But Somewhat Sensitive WASP Male.

    7. OIMF loses Big Brother.

    8. Australian Idol commences.

    And I absolutely agree with you regarding Vesna. I had the surreal experience of dining with her on Friday night!

  • At 7:00 PM, April 24, 2007, Blogger lisa said…

    you had dinner with Vesna??

    i'm so jealous!

    a friend of mine saw Christy in the line at priceline and i saw that lame ass Claire from Reggies year that used to sleep all day out on Lesbian scene in sydeny after she was eveicted and stood at the top of the race for 5 minutes holding her two fingers to the side of her head. She was so the lamest girl EVER in BB

  • At 8:38 PM, May 14, 2007, Blogger popgoescanberra said…

    Fuck you are funny.


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