Scott, To Be Certain


Monday, August 21, 2006


It would virtually never be considered an overstatement to say that things have occurred recently.

"I wouldn't dispute that"

Precisely. Few things, however, have occurred with such comforting predictability as mid-year Channel 10 programming.

We're all familiar with the script by now.

1. Big Brother commences mid-April.
2. Gretel Killeen consults Helen Keller as stylist.
3. Outspoken Initially Maligned Female Competitor identified.
4. Big Brother Uncut, hosted with disgust by Bride of Christ Killeen, attracts criticism.
5. Groundswell of support for OIMF enables her to gradually reach favourite status while revealing her true character to be interesting, entertaining and, especially, vulnerable.
6. Powers That Be consult their winners' manual and realise OIMF does not fit in to Category 1 - Fun, Ditzy, Inoffensive Bogan Female, Category 2 - Boring (Allegedly Hilarious) Islander or Category 3 - Less Interesting But Somewhat Sensitive WASP Male.
7. OIMF loses Big Brother.
8. Australian Idol commences.

Like clockwork. And so here we are.

I have to say, though, "here" almost didn't happen.

Owing to Channel 10 apparently having conducted focus groups who returned data suggesting early Australian Idol episodes don't contain anywhere near enough snippets of bad singers and people in costume, I was so monumentally unmoved by the prospect of dredging through another year of slops that I hadn't watched a single show until last night.

I am so back on that horse.

"Was that really necessary"

Yes - in one single evening my enthusiasm has been renewed.

First up was Australia's Brainiest Idol, which featured many fine comedy performances. Best was Kate De Rouge, who thrilled the audience with her knowledge of Japanese geography and her impersonation of someone with gout. Sandra Sully contributed to the night's Mensa-level repartee by throwing centuries of established mathematical principles out the window in favour of this equation:

11 / 2 = 1

Then it was on to Idol and was it ever a doozy.

This year, the Marcia God is in full swing. Apparently now an adherent of Hinduism, Marcia is as fond as ever of hyperbole ("That's one of the best songs I've ever heard," she declared to Bobby Flynn only seconds after hearing it once) and is again in heat. Last week, when she flirtatiously responded to lyrics from rapper Paul Dunn's audition with, "Mmmm, you make me wanna open a can o' sumtin'!" you immediately realise she doesn't mean "open" so much as "insert".

Meanwhile, Lavina Williams – sister of Emily - is a likely finalist this year. If Andrew leant her his G, her name would be an anagram of "vaginal". In many ways, this already sets her apart from her sister.

Of the many people who are mysteriously 30, Jorge Bec stole the show. Last night we learnt not only that Jorge Bec is Jorge Bec, but that Jorge Bec has been doing Jorge Bec for at least 3 years and perhaps even since the age of 5. A recap of his golden contribution to prime time television:

"I'm not gay, I'm metrosexual."
"I didn't mean leave the show - I mean 'leave the lyrics'..."
"If I was Michael Jackson..."
"From a professonal artist point of view..."
"I can't remember the lyrics... you know, Jorge Bec is Jorge Bec"
“I can’t… I mean I can, but I can't..."

Top 24 tonight - stay tuned.


  • At 10:10 PM, August 21, 2006, Blogger said…

    Jon Bennet, Bride of Christ Killeen and Vaginal sisters all in the one post... Making up for lost time I see Scott. Brilliant.

  • At 10:17 AM, August 22, 2006, Blogger Woodsman said…

    Bags me the auctioneer from up Albury way. Can't you just see Shannon Noll shaking in his faux leatherette cowboy boots.

  • At 6:48 PM, August 22, 2006, Blogger said…


  • At 8:39 PM, August 22, 2006, Blogger Anna said…

    Wheeeeee! And we're off again on another roller coaster Pop Idol ride!!

    Keep it up!

  • At 2:02 PM, August 24, 2006, Anonymous Cam said…

    My favourite Jorge Bec comment was when he said "Jorge Bec is Jorge Bec. Jorge Bec doesn't do covers"
    The why in Jorge Bec's name did you sign up for Australian Idol?

  • At 10:52 AM, August 31, 2006, Blogger Dxxxx said…

    Well i hadn't been around in a while but since Idol has returned I thought you may have too. And here you are. bless.

    * \o/ *

  • At 11:40 AM, August 31, 2006, Anonymous Manxzilla said…

    To thine own self be true, Scotty. Now, spend a bit of quality time sussing out some pics of Eric Stoltz playing Rocky in 'Mask' and try to tell me there's no striking resemblance to Bobby Flynn. Go on, try.


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