Scott, To Be Certain


Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Tennis Goes Into Ova-Time

Like fallopian tubes in perpetual ovulation, the world tennis stage is veritably saturated with -ova.

Egged on by a chance at fame and fortune, young female tennis players with surnames ending in -ova are now ubiquitous; 14 alone can be found in the Top 100. Most of them hail from Russia, but occasionally these bitches also claim to be from Slovakia, the Czech Republic, Bulgaria, Belarus and even, implausibly, Israel.

To what do we owe this proliferation of saucy, racquet-wielding wenches?

Clearly the first, and best, of this maniacally vowel-obsessed set was Martina Navratilova, the winner of 9 Wimbledon singles crowns and in many ways the sport's greatest ever trend-setter.

Now, now Martina. No need to get dirty

It's true, she put forearm veins on the map. But she is most importantly responsible for infusing the previously dainty, elegant women's sport with a new and elite athletic dimension. The proliferation of tournaments now played on carpet may be her additional legacy.

It's safe to say that many of the current -ova set absolutely adore carpet.

Right back up at ya, Martina

Nadia Petrova and Svetlana Kuznetsova, pictured above, don't let being built like a convoy of Linfox trucks stand in their way of a good time.

However, neither of these women can hit winners to save themselves and were both accordingly bundled out of this year's Australian Open.

Instead, 2 marginally more photogenic -ova are still in the running. Their results suggest that in women's tennis, oestrogen is far from ova.

The first, Maria Sharapova, is the planet's most lucratively endorsed female athlete, and for good reason. They say sports marketing is all about sex - well, Maz has got the bedroom eyes down pat, imbues her game with a primal, sexual thrust by grunting like a mounted wildebeest on court, and has clearly rid herself of her gag reflex.

It's a pity that she has one of the most annoying girly laughs of all time. She also doesn't offer much by way of a decent play on words arising from her name. For this we must look to Olga Pouchkova, who sounds like something your grandma would knit for your pet kangaroo. Or perhaps the simple and effective Anna Smashnova (who for a time was additionally menacing as Anna Smashnova-Pistolesi).

Enter the other, Nicole Vaidisova.

Nicole Vaidisova, or N.Vaidisova for pun-tastic purposes. Such a sweet looking girl! And a very good player. I know you join me in wishing she would invite us over!

"That was fucking lame"

It assuredly was! As assured as N.Vaidisova's upcoming semi-final loss. Her opponent? Serena Williams.

Oops - guess I jumped the gun on the whole oestrogen thing.

Meanwhile, Sharapova will be playing a fellow Russian in her quarter-final - Anna Chakvetadaatdaatetavetadzedtze, notable for owning a 36-syllable name that incredibly ends in a vowel other than -a. Is that even legal

Anna is in good form, winning a tournament in Hobart the week before the Open (pictured above with the worst trophy known to mankind). It will be an interesting match-up.

Thanks to all of these characters, women's tennis is getting interesting again. With Serena and Hingis back on song, we just need Venus and nymphomaniac Jennifer Capriati to truly take it to the Bitches of the Eastern Bloc.

It on!



  • At 11:36 PM, January 23, 2007, Blogger Woodsman said…

    aarrgghhh a post ovaly close to my heart.

    Good luck today Anna Chakasjbciujbiuvbaerbvavbbvbvsljvfbabvrbretardze, you are my favourite name since Dally Randriantefy crawled out of the Madagascan jungle.

    PS S2BC are u simply loving the junior girl #1 "Anastasia Pavyluchenkova"???

    PPS There is another Magagascan with a brilliant name who was seeded in the boys draw "Jean Lofo Ramiaramanana" - wasnt that the Lamana Banana jingle or the Fiji coup dude???

  • At 11:52 PM, January 23, 2007, Blogger Scott said…

    That Madagascan boy needs his own cheer squad to sing the "Ma Na Ma Na" song for him courtside.

    Yes, I'm loving Anastasia, although I have a soft spot for
    Ekaterina Afenoginova.

    By the way, I recently discovered that our beloved Maria Vento-Kabchi is languishing at number 321! How did this happen?

  • At 11:22 AM, January 24, 2007, Blogger Jess said…

    I've said it before and I'll say it again - you, sir, are a genius. Puntastic!

  • At 11:32 AM, January 24, 2007, Anonymous Joe said…

    Your pun work is both atrocious and genius at the same time, so let me alert you to another language issue - Have you noticed that Tennis is the only sport where someone can get bundled out?

  • At 12:07 PM, January 24, 2007, Blogger Peter said…

    That's an awesome map of Tasmania she's got.

  • At 12:57 PM, January 24, 2007, Blogger Shazam! said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 12:58 PM, January 24, 2007, Blogger Shazam! said…

    Frankly, Scott, I'm dismayed that you missed the opportunities provided by the horrendous (in this instance) 'map of Tassie'. Perhaps it was just too easy?

  • At 2:26 PM, January 24, 2007, Blogger la nadine said…

    you made tears come out of my eyes, funny man.

  • At 4:35 PM, January 24, 2007, Blogger thr said…

    I miss Anna Kareerisova , err I mean Kournikova. *sigh*

  • At 8:21 PM, January 28, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ithnk so you like tennis very much as you have in your passage. there is a need to you to buy tennis rackets look to the Online Shopping .

  • At 9:44 PM, January 28, 2007, Blogger Scott said…

    Ooh Anonymous, I LOVE your ESL contribution! Where is can I buy the tennis racquets? In Kazakhstan?

  • At 6:06 PM, February 07, 2007, Blogger comicstriphero said…

    Sport AND popular culture?

    Stuff Brandis, you should have been the new Minister for the Arts and Sport.


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