Scott, To Be Certain


Thursday, November 30, 2006

Damien & The Derry Queen

So on Monday night Australian Idol Version 4.0 drew to a close, but not before foisting upon us the televisual equivalent of full fingernail removal.

The finale was, by all accounts, a monstrous hybrid of excruciating filler and craptastic pop cultural fodder.

Our newest and least Australian winner is Damien Leith, who pulled out the win despite boasting a fanbase largely populated by humans responsible for such slogans as "We Be-Leith You Are A Star". (Admittedly, this was not nearly as reprehensible as coked-to-the-eyeballs-and-barely-upright Tim Bailey, who during his live crosses from NT invited us to rename the city of Darwin "Jesswin". New depths, my friends - not even Daryl Somers would go there.)

I have now digested the win and heard the winner's single several times on the radio. It is a just outcome - in Bobbyless, Reiganless, Lavinaless circumstances.

It's probably a blessing for Jess, who might, a la Casey, otherwise have spectacularly crashed and burned spending her most formative and impressionable years in the media spotlight, riding an alcohol-laden descent from cutesy schoolgirl to cocksucking Mauboy.

McDonald's sponsorship taken too far

But what is absolutely NOT just is the relegation of Reigan Derry to 11th place finisher. Of course, girlfriend brought it on herself with wretched song selection early on in the competition. But she rocked up looking like a million bucks on Monday, outperforming everyone and even wearing a set of Rachel Stevens gloves!

Having nixed the Jex Pad hair in favour of a Mariah-like mane, Reigan was easily the best thing about the show, from an objective quality perspective.

From every other brilliantly trashy perspective, the following memorable moments "went down".

1. Jessica Mauboy arrived looking like a massive present, complete with a bow bigger than Damien's head!

2. Kate De Rouge performed choreographed dance moves with the fluidity of a robot!

3. Paulini has obviously spent the month of November vomiting her own body weight!

4. But she is looking more like an orangutan every day! A hungry, carniverous orangutan, about to devour her meaty bandmates!

Ricki upstages her hoop-obsessed girlfriends by showing off her matching protruding clavicle

4. Klancie (Klanie) arrived on horseback, managing to stay atop the animal despite depriving most of her upper body of blood circulation!

3. It looked like Lavina Williams was auditioning for Young Divas every time she took to the stage!

4. Is there a new fashion craze involving vests that I'm unaware of? Guy Sebastian, Ricky Muskrat, Jessica Mauboy and serial vest fiend Lisa Mitchell all bizarrely sported waistcoasts!

5. Marcia introduced her adopted adult Malawian daughter Deni to the world in duet! Poor bitch, obviously fresh from either chemo or a World Vision photo shoot, couldn't even do her pants up!

So that's it for another year. It's a refreshing end - exceptional ratings, older male winner, palatable lead single.

Of course, Damien's broader musical output will remain a mystery until his album surfaces. Given his dorky appearance and operatic tendencies, it is possible that the album's style could be a cross between that of Il Divo and that geeky 80s band Devo.

Hopefully his mature years will assist him to better manage his burgeoning career - but if it flops, perhaps he can start a band called the Young Devos.


  • At 11:56 AM, December 04, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    orangutan - i love it! and yes i was wondering what was going on with the extreme weight loss Paulini had endured.


Post a Comment

<< Home