Questions From A Sofa

Channel Ten's Sunday night programming left me with so many questions I felt like a mature age student in the front row of a lecture theatre.

I have prepared a list of the most "probing" inquiries:

1. Who the fuck cryogenically conserved JonBenet Ramsay and unfroze her to present the ARIAs?
   
   
2. Is the person responsible for agreeing to give the truly, truly embarrasingly unfunny Merrick & Rosso airtime on Channel Ten still employed by that station?
   
   
3. If yes to question 2, why?
   
   
4. Will Daniel Spillane's future ability to father children be compromised by his choice of pants last night?
   
   
   
   
5. Is Hayley Jensen upset that Missy Higgins failed to win Best Group?
   
   
6. Does Anne Robertson carry a voodoo doll of Emily Williams around with her? Anne is always the best performed - until Emily takes the stage. Both were last night in a separate zone to the others. Both were better than Paulini. And neither would have chosen this atrocity:
   
   
   
   
7. What the hell am I saying? Emily would totally wear that shit.
   
   
8. Why is Emily continually choosing to sing from the Cosima De Vito Idol Songbook? (Hey, if it ain't broke...)
   
   
9. Why are Anne and Kate De Rouge not choosing songs that build to an obvious emotional and crowd-pleasing crescendo to enable them each to receive the touchdowns they are so capable of achieving? They were again second and third best last night respectively. Anne's rendition of "If I Were Your Woman" was just shy of perfection and featured just about the most luscious low notes I've heard emanate from a vertical female.
   
   Sister-girlfriend, what are you doing?
   
   
   
   And quite besides the completely fucked up excuse for a garment she's got on, girlfriend looks like she's fresh from trying to eat an apple through a picket fence. Did you not learn from James Kannis?
   
   
10. Is tonight the night where I lose one of my Beloved Diva Trio? I think Kate is at risk to be Jennifer Hudson tonight, particularly since Dan and Daniel delivered their best performances. Which is fine, I think, because I think Kate has a number of avenues open to her, such as writing a book on "How To Go From Casey Donovan To Carrie Underwood In 12 Weeks".
    
    
    
11. Want to know something hilarious? An anagram of "Lee Harding" is "Hair Legend". Please.
    
    S2BC hates Lee since he walked away with an undeserved touchdown last week, after massacring an otherwise good song and reaping kudos for a unique arrangement despite it being a well-known concert favourite of Green Day. Tonight is the best opportunity to boot Lee and preserve the Trio.