Scott, To Be Certain


Monday, September 26, 2005

AI3: The Greatest Poo

It seems Kelly Clarkson's musical car accident at the MTV Awards has really inspired the ten remaining Australian "Idols" to scrape the bottom of the proverbial performance barrel*.

"And I'd forget my head if I didn't have to screw it on! Plus why is it so windy in this studio, etc."

Nutritional information about last night's Australian Idol episode:

20% real fruit
70% reconstituted juice
20% foecal matter

If you're all gushing non-solids from the back end this morning, one of two particularly unpleasant toxins may be responsible. Specifically, laryngectomies are today being mandated for:

10. James Kannis
9. Laura Gissara

In a truly execrable performance, James "I Sucked on My Fist All Through Childhood (What Should I Do With It Now)" Kannis shuffled around the stage like a newborn lamb attempting its first steps (in an ice rink). And as good a song as "Layla" is, Derek and the Dominoes were not a rock supergroup! They released one album that originally flopped and are identifiable principally through this one song. James should really cut his hair and just shut the fuck up at all times with no exceptions.

Yes. Just until the laryngectomy, that's all we ask

I am undergoing somewhat of an internal struggle vis-à-vis The Giss. I have to concede that she is a phenomenally well presented package on an aesthetic level and on that basis find myself wishing she had the voice of Kate, Emily or Anne. Plus she's really had to battle a torrent of ill-feeling since first inflicting herself on us, and at least daringly "sang" a non-Queen number. But let's remember: Laura is a "music student" who should really have the basic performance skills to interpret song. So since there is no scope for pity, we should all just look forward to witnessing Mark Holden in weekly coniptions and send James on his way first.

"Don't worry about me, I don't have to pay HECS"

If instead you're all thinking, "Fuck Boost, there's already lots of juicy goodness swishing around my intestines this morning and besides I don't want to give one single dollar more to that greedy expanding empire (out of jealousy) and my this whole juice analogy is rather pointless isn't it", it's probably owing to one or both of the only two excellent performances last night. (Unless it isn't.)

2. Lee Harding
1. Emily Williams

Lee's rendition of "Roxanne" was his best performance to date: uniquely structured, confidently and accurately sung and featuring a masterful use of The Stage. This is exactly the type of awesome performance competitors with an alleged musical background need to be capable of in order to justify foisting on us assertions such as "I live and breathe music/have been singing since immersed in amniotic fluid". S2BC now officially loves Lee (platonically).

As for Emily, Sister-Girlfriend last night earned best-in-show honours two weeks running. For all the haters out there, I would like to draw your attention to the buttloads of light/dark/shade/other forms of solar manipulation with which Emily's performance was imbued. Very, very good.

I am, however, concerned by Emily's startling "Thank you, Mummy!" to Marcia at the end of her song. The scandal! Have there been nepotistic "goings-on" behind the scenes? Is Marciagate upon us? And WTF is with Australian Idol this year? There have been so many motherhood references in this season that I'm expecting to lactate soon.

Not that there's anything wrong with that

I can't really be bothered saying anything about the in-betweeners. Consistent with their unbridled averageness, I have elected to deny them the attention they crave. Take that, dudes! Plus I have remembered just now that, unfathomably, I am required to produce "output" in return for "a wage" :-( (Obviously S2BC still adores Kate but she should be doling out the touchdowns with that voice and isn't.)

Sadly, apart from Lee and Emily, the only other truly entertaining moment was the dousing of Mark Holden and Marcia Hines resultantly engaging in an intriguing type of seated raindance. It's both our good fortune and a miserable indictment that the judges are furnishing us with entertainment equal to or exceeding that of the contestants.

The Marcia God, creator of All Things (including her pussy)
(Photo courtesy: AC/DC)

(*E-mail me here if you would like your very own full text version of that well-known proverb about performance barrels or pictures of actual performance barrels such as the one featured here.)


  • At 2:56 PM, September 26, 2005, Blogger Woodsman said…

    Mark Holden would be so happy that you found a way to give 110% juice, rather than just 95% like every other Idol commentator.

    PS Lee is a tool.

  • At 3:00 PM, September 26, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Last night gave me ear cancer. I agree that all but two were uniformly execrable. But you can't deny that Marcia was the most ridiculous - pushing the boundaries of pop stardom/best friends with everyone who's ever been fortunate enough to hold a microphone and call themselves a 'perfworma'. Bon Scott and ACDC? Jesus Christ, I thought she was going too far with James Brown, but even I balk at the notion of Marcia hanging out with ACDC even though the 70's were crazy crazy days.

  • At 3:59 PM, September 26, 2005, Anonymous Ozwolf68 said…

    Having lived Idol vicariously through S2BC, I decided that I might have been wrong about my views re: the 'talent' and 'skill' of the contestants. After all, S2BC and every other reality tv junky I know can't be wrong, right? WRONG!!! I managed to tune in just as James "I can do a Michael Jackson foot shuffle" Kannis started what can only kindly be described as an artistic warbling of Layla.

    I'm tempted to sue for pain and suffering.

    I switched off!!! NEVER AGAIN!!!

  • At 10:47 PM, September 26, 2005, Blogger said…

    Anyone else notice Marcia's lovely 'Deni-but-not' name dropping? "My Daughter and I were watching..." is, I believe, how the comment came out. Bit ashamed are we Marcia?

    After all, it was your daughter who so graciously featured on that beer ad singing Kylie's "Can't get you out of my head", and then had "SUNG BY DENI HINES" scrawled on the bottom right hand corner in the smallest font in existance.

    Easily Deni's most profilic musical achievement since "It's Alright".

    Roxane's hair made her look like Rose Porteous.

    And not in that "Rose Porteous is so cool because she's funny" type of way, but in a "Rose Porteous killed Lang Hancock" type of way.

  • At 1:24 PM, September 27, 2005, Anonymous Antman said…

    Settle down Scotty. I never said that I hated Emily, I just said that, in my opinion, she hadn't shown us much except that she can sing REALLY LOUDLY.

    This week I take my (proverbial) hat off to her. She cleverly reworked a song that would have been impossible to tackle in anything like its original arrangement and finally showed that she is more than a one-trick pony.

    She still lacks the range and control of a couple of others, most notably Kate, but she was far and away the best on ground. Played strong, done good.

    In general though, the karaoke comparisons that abound are spot-on this year. Where is the heart and soul? It's one thing to be able to carry a tune, quite another to really sing. This is a competition to find an ENTERTAINER who will capture the public's imagination and shift sh*tloads of CDs (or copyright-friendly, paid-for downloads). A great voice hasn't been enough since television was introduced.



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