AI3: The Greatest Poo

It seems Kelly Clarkson's musical car accident at the MTV Awards has really inspired the ten remaining Australian "Idols" to scrape the bottom of the proverbial performance barrel*.


"And I'd forget my head if I didn't have to screw it on! Plus why is it so windy in this studio, etc."

Nutritional information about last night's Australian Idol episode:

20% real fruit
70% reconstituted juice
20% foecal matter

If you're all gushing non-solids from the back end this morning, one of two particularly unpleasant toxins may be responsible. Specifically, laryngectomies are today being mandated for:

10. James Kannis
9. Laura Gissara

In a truly execrable performance, James "I Sucked on My Fist All Through Childhood (What Should I Do With It Now)" Kannis shuffled around the stage like a newborn lamb attempting its first steps (in an ice rink). And as good a song as "Layla" is, Derek and the Dominoes were not a rock supergroup! They released one album that originally flopped and are identifiable principally through this one song. James should really cut his hair and just shut the fuck up at all times with no exceptions.


Yes. Just until the laryngectomy, that's all we ask

I am undergoing somewhat of an internal struggle vis-à-vis The Giss. I have to concede that she is a phenomenally well presented package on an aesthetic level and on that basis find myself wishing she had the voice of Kate, Emily or Anne. Plus she's really had to battle a torrent of ill-feeling since first inflicting herself on us, and at least daringly "sang" a non-Queen number. But let's remember: Laura is a "music student" who should really have the basic performance skills to interpret song. So since there is no scope for pity, we should all just look forward to witnessing Mark Holden in weekly coniptions and send James on his way first.


"Don't worry about me, I don't have to pay HECS"

If instead you're all thinking, "Fuck Boost, there's already lots of juicy goodness swishing around my intestines this morning and besides I don't want to give one single dollar more to that greedy expanding empire (out of jealousy) and my this whole juice analogy is rather pointless isn't it", it's probably owing to one or both of the only two excellent performances last night. (Unless it isn't.)

2. Lee Harding
1. Emily Williams

Lee's rendition of "Roxanne" was his best performance to date: uniquely structured, confidently and accurately sung and featuring a masterful use of The Stage. This is exactly the type of awesome performance competitors with an alleged musical background need to be capable of in order to justify foisting on us assertions such as "I live and breathe music/have been singing since immersed in amniotic fluid". S2BC now officially loves Lee (platonically).

As for Emily, Sister-Girlfriend last night earned best-in-show honours two weeks running. For all the haters out there, I would like to draw your attention to the buttloads of light/dark/shade/other forms of solar manipulation with which Emily's performance was imbued. Very, very good.

I am, however, concerned by Emily's startling "Thank you, Mummy!" to Marcia at the end of her song. The scandal! Have there been nepotistic "goings-on" behind the scenes? Is Marciagate upon us? And WTF is with Australian Idol this year? There have been so many motherhood references in this season that I'm expecting to lactate soon.


Not that there's anything wrong with that

I can't really be bothered saying anything about the in-betweeners. Consistent with their unbridled averageness, I have elected to deny them the attention they crave. Take that, dudes! Plus I have remembered just now that, unfathomably, I am required to produce "output" in return for "a wage" :-( (Obviously S2BC still adores Kate but she should be doling out the touchdowns with that voice and isn't.)

Sadly, apart from Lee and Emily, the only other truly entertaining moment was the dousing of Mark Holden and Marcia Hines resultantly engaging in an intriguing type of seated raindance. It's both our good fortune and a miserable indictment that the judges are furnishing us with entertainment equal to or exceeding that of the contestants.


The Marcia God, creator of All Things (including her pussy)
(Photo courtesy: AC/DC)

(*E-mail me here if you would like your very own full text version of that well-known proverb about performance barrels or pictures of actual performance barrels such as the one featured here.)