The Emily, Zanne, Kate and Dan Show

Last night's episode of Australian Idol exposed the true composition of the Top 11:

4 embarrassingly superior performers gunning for the top prize
6 pretenders of varying local suburban quality
1 Jaanz School of Singing Under 11s Talent Competition-style wench with well connected parents, currently enrolled in an alleged "music degree" yet consistently failing to apply anything learned during said excuse for a course degree


Laura prepares for a moving performance of "Ave Maria"

The only potential Idol-worthy performances in descending order were:

4. Dan England

Distinctive and powerful, if a little nervy at times. Who can blame the guy though - according to the fabulously inept Australian Idol onscreen text supervisor, "Dan's family and friends" include... um, Dan. So dude needs our votes! (Just what is WITH that text fucker? If ever there was a case for performance-based dismissal, this is it, Channel Ten Human Resources Department - as if the consecutive 2004 "Idols Choice" (sic) and "Beatle's Special" (sic) debacles weren't sufficient grounds.)

3. Kate De Rouge

Nina, friend of S2BC and due to pop out a future Idol contestant shortly, has pointed out Kate's curious tendency to pronounce the letter M on a discretionary basis only (e.g. "Sah'one who needs me", "Rescue me 'cos Ahhh lonely"). Personally, I'm prepared to overlook this as a performance "quirk" because on the basis of her kick-arse voice alone Kate is fast establishing herself as S2Bc's absolute favourite non-stick bandit and likely Top 3 finisher. But girlfriend needs to calm the fuck down with De Eye Make-Up.

2. Zanne Robertson

Zanne is so damn consistent she runs the eventual risk of being measured against a higher performance standard. Totally brilliant. And potentially the most enjoyable performance of the night, if only for the added tomfoolery of the camerman who decided to fuck with Zanne by ensuring the camera focussed on her was always the exact camera she wasn't looking at.

Careful, though, Zanne. Your bollocks, unprompted Fantasia-tribute "I just really felt my song" teetered on being the Idol equivalent of Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario raising her finger to signal an out ball before it bounces. You know, to pre-empt a favourable call. Just let US judge your performance and, um, save us from engaging in laboured sporting analogies, OK?

Actually, the ball looks in from here

1. Emily Williams

That is that about which I am talking (or am about to)! Sister-girlfriend totally delivered on Thursday's promise with a blistering rendition of Aretha Franklin's biggest hit (wisely omitting the "sock it to me" reprise at the request of the anti-violence censors). Fast becoming Australian Idol's best ever Mum.


"Take that back boyfriend. I mean, check these puppies out"

Speaking of Marcia, last night she demonstrated that her musical expertise extends beyond a mere close association with every single Australian performing artist ever and includes, amazingly, insight into the psyche of a 17 year old Aretha Franklin, as well as the implied authority to identify the greatest songs ever written. But then, what else do you expect from God? And what better choice for guest judge on New Zealand Idol! Hold on what show is this then

As for the other peripheral/rubbish contestants:

11. Daniel Spillane. Like watching gall stones pass naturally.
10. Laura Gissara. Love the 80s dress Loz!
9. Natalie Zahra. A surefire winner if this were Calisthenics Idol. Atrocious.
8. Roxane Lebrasse. You are so dropped, Roxane.
7. Milly Edwards. You too Milly. Dreadful. I'm more tuneful while backing one out.
6. Lee Harding. Whatevs.
5. James Kannis. Yet to prove he is more interesting to watch than his Mum.

So let's hope 'Sara or Zahra get booted.

Peace out.