Scott, To Be Certain


Monday, September 12, 2005

The Best Show On Television, Ever (This Quarter)

It is impossible to describe just how in love I am with Australian Idol today.

I'm more in love with it today than when nodules were given their due recognition as a legitimate medical concern in 2003.

I'm more in love with it today than when the unspeakably divine Chanel Cole commenced the world's best ever enmity with the Marcia God in 2004.

I'm more in love with it than Angelina Jolie was in love with her brother on earning an Oscar in 1999!

Yet I sense these comparisons are inadequate. We need visuals!

Ha ha, stick people: you haven't even got eyes

OK. So imagine Mariah Carey's already amply inflated gob, insert 400 marshmallows into her mouth (through any force necessary, including a recording of her own highest octave range on loop), gradually fill the diminishing available buccal space with water by way of a strategically administered drip (or other liquid*, particularly if said liquid might produce an allergic reaction likely to manifest in some type of facial swelling) and, finally, surgically implant collagen into Mariah's cheeks. Then tickle her.

*Remembering that Mariah has a preference for certain liquids

This very amusing exercise probably wouldn't ever eventuate, because Mariah is a very busy person. But it does go some way toward indicating just how grossly distended and frankly BURSTING I am with love for Australian Idol, you see!

Some reasons why I feel this way today:

1. A line of cocaine! No, I jest of course, but it seems to be working wonders for Marcia Hines. Sister-girlfriend was on fire last night. And, isn't it excellent how sister-girlfriend is the very close sister-girlfriend of everyone in the Australian music industry EVER! She is so friendly, especially to the following people:
- Australian people who have recorded music
- people with penises
- teen mothers
- sister-girlfriends who can do that skilful neck dislocation that appears to be some type of non-verbal way to communicate "I'm vaguely unimpressed by something you have done", or similar emotion

Obviously it takes some practice initially

2. Laura Gissara. Yes, can you believe it? Through hating Laura, my love for Australian Idol has grown. For example, I absolutely adored:
- hearing NO applause for Laura as she took the stage
- watching Laura redefine notions of textual misinterpretation by singing the words "It would be the end of my world" with a massive smile on her face
- listening to Marcia make her best comment of the night: "I understand how walking from backstage can affect your pitch."

Earning a place in the Top 13 is all about giving good oral

3. Anne Robertson! Without a doubt one of the three strongest and most consistently accurate voices, along with Dan England and Kate DeAraugo. Plus, she is a natural neck and hip-swiveller, has an actual personality and is capable of the following:
- brilliant comebacks: "My mama taught me those moves!"
- being humble (cf. Natalie Zahra)
- multi-lingual prayer

4. The shockingly amateur hosts! I used to think it was impossible to be worse than Daryl Somers. I still do! But James Mathison and Andrew G are awful as well. This week's best complete fuck-up was Andrew G's dramatic revelation that two contestants would be eliminated, followed by James Mathison's plea for us to tune in tonight to watch one person be eliminated. And yet it's now somehow comfortingly familiar and enjoyable to watch these two stupid skill-less hacks each week butcher:
- English (Andrew G: "What was it like to sing that song in front of the guy who write it?")
- autocue reading
- fashion

5. Kate DeAraugo mispronouncing her own name ALL HER LIFE. But "De Rouge" is obviously an excellent alternative and she should consider spelling it thus. Also, she should consider giving De Eye-Liner a bit of a rest next week.

I could go on and on. And on, most probably! But I shan't, lest I bore you all/become unemployed.

So, to the rankings:

13. Natalie Zahra. Odious.
12. The Giss. Amazingly not the worst.
11. Chris Loser. Disappointing, with redundant, inexplicable accessorising to boot.
10. Tarnish Stephens. It's only a matter of time.
9. Dan Spillane. What's going on with the hair, people?
8. Milly Edwards. Upsettingly bad.
7. Lee Harding. The perfect opportunity to sing a Living End song and he chooses H&C?
6. James Kannis. What did Kannis Sr. do exactly in order to get with Mrs Kannis?
5. Emily Williams. Brought to you by the Bek LaVauney school of "I'm Doing This For My Child".
4. Roxane Lebrasse. S2BC's former favourite.
3. Kate De Rouge. S2BC's likely future favourite.
2. Zanne Robertson. S2BC's current favourite.
1. Dan England. The package. (Cf. Christie of BB.)

Now, a moment's silence to recognise the unquestionable brilliance of this homegrown production.

Thank you.


  • At 2:57 AM, September 13, 2005, Blogger The Student said…

    6. James Kannis. What did Kannis Sr. do exactly in order to get with Mrs Kannis?

    Zing fucken Zing.

    One can only think that he is packing the heat.

    Lee Harding, Shit.

  • At 1:06 PM, September 13, 2005, Anonymous B said…

    Natalie - what a shocker. Out of key - possibly strangled by her muffin tops?


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