Scott, To Be Certain


Monday, June 18, 2007

The First Jo-elle

S2BC has been AWOL for weeks but has still managed to be more entertaining than Big Brother, don't you think?

Officially, I blame the university. Returning to part-time study while also impersonating a professional on a full-time basis ended up being quite the ordeal, and, as Diane Keaton knows only too well, something had to give.

Which doesn't excuse the lack of updates, of course. One should be able to "multi-task" in this day and age. So for this I offer a blanket apology.

Now on to more important matters.

In honour of Melbourne's chilly ongoing ode to winter, S2BC has launched a non-exhaustive review of singers currently gagging for a Christmas release.

In a landslide victory, it is JoJo - whose stomach-churning eyebrows are being touted as the potential premise of a series of horror films in the vein of Saw and Child's Play - who has been anointed the most overdue Xmas artist.

"Jo! Jo! Jo!"

Good to see you're getting into the winter spirit, JoJo. Are those acorns you're hiding?

It's no secret that this giant-headed dwarf is one of this site's favourite punching bags. As it turns out, she is also one of the world's biggest sluts.

In the haunting "Leave (Get Out)", a 13 year old JoJo, who has been bonking some dude for months, has the audacity to end the arrangement just because he called her best sister-girlfriend without erasing the number from his phone. Moody bitch. She didn't once consider that he might have been organising a birthday surprise for her. We can only deduce from this impulsive behaviour that she is a cunt who deserves to be alone.

In her most recent opus, "Too Little Too Late", JoJo is still unable to hold down a decent regular root, this time apparently unhappy with the quantity and timing of her current lay's "output".

As Mariah famously and very successfully established almost 13 years ago, being a chubby-faced warbler with a penchant for R'nB pretty much qualifies you for donning a slutty Santa suit.

In accordance with that precedent, I think it's time JoJo "got her suit on" in the name of the Christmas season.

I propose:

The first single will be "O Cum All Ye Unfaithful". Pre-order now.


  • At 11:35 AM, June 19, 2007, Anonymous FranklinBluth said…

    hysterical, glad to have you back scott.
    may I suggest for JoJo
    'the little hummer girl'

  • At 5:17 PM, June 19, 2007, Blogger Woodsman said…

    I love that you worked cunt into a sentence so smoothly.

    Do you think Jojoba is more or less of a chipmunk than Kirsten Dunst?

  • At 5:17 PM, June 19, 2007, Blogger Kamikaze Camel said…

    Good to see you back! Also, JoJo is the spawn of satan (which explains her big giant head). I cringed more than I've ever cringed in my life when I listened to "How To Touch a Girl" and then "Letter to God".

  • At 12:42 PM, June 25, 2007, Blogger Scott said…

    KC, I thought you dueted with JoJo a few years back?


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