Scott, To Be Certain


Sunday, October 01, 2006

Something Kinda Goo

Indisputably, the best band on the planet is this one.

Girls Aloud: Evidently beyond puberty

The girls are brilliant for a number of reasons.

1. They were created by reality television.
2. They are responsible for at least 7 of the most sublime pop masterpieces of the last decade.
3. Nadine (far left) has an endearing Northern Irish accent which requires subtitles.
4. Cheryl (front centre) is married to a footballer and likes to "punch on" quite a bit.
5. Nicola (second from left) is naturally a red head, but is quite fond of the odd cut 'n' colour.
6. All 5 girls would be huge were it not for their inhibitions and rambunctious behaviour in photo shoots.

Of all the exhaustive lists ever created, that one isn't an example.

But it might be getting closer if I were to add that the girls are proud owners of some of the most lyrically innovative work on the charts.

Let's have a look at a mere snippet of their finest moments.

"Shoulda known, shoulda cared/Shoulda hung around the kitchen in my underwear/Acting like a lady" (The Show)
"Shut your mouth or your shit might show" (No Good Advice)
"Spiked heels and skin-tight jeans/I've got a fist full of love coming your way, baby" (Graffiti My Soul)
"I need a walking talking mannequin that simply folds away/And never questions anything" (Graffiti My Soul)
"Your kisses taste of cyanide, and that's no good for me/An open heart is suicide in my philosophy" (Graffiti My Soul)

In addition to being skilled philosophers, the girls are also well versed in social sciences:

And actual sciences:

Clearly the girls are intelligent, independent glamazons as well as utter nymphomaniacs.

Which is why their latest lyrical choice is all the more perplexing.

In the latest addition to their artistic opus - the release this month of a new single,"Something Kinda Oooh", from their upcoming greatest hits album - the girls appear to be going all unsatisfactorily cute on our arses.

Something kinda ooh/Jumpin' on my tutu/Something inside of me/Wants a part of you

Apart from being non-sensical, this is inconsistent with the girls' penchant for being dirty dominatrices.

I suggest the following "textual interpretation".

Something kinda ooh/Jumpin' on my tutu/Something inside of me/Once a part of you

That's better. Instead of insensibly stomping on party costumes and dreaming wistfully of a man, it is much more like the girls to be singing about the pools of semen swirling about their respective fallopian tubes.

Hurrah! All is well in the world.


  • At 5:03 AM, October 02, 2006, Blogger Anna said…

    You forgot to mention that Nadine is currently dating "oh my God I want a gardner who is that hot" Jesse from Desperate Housewives.

    The girls done well.

    And I love Cheryl's quote this week:
    "I hate being labelled a WAG, I was famous before I met Ashley and I'll keep on being famous now that we are married, I'm not one of those girls who thinks she's famous because she is married to a famous footballer" Do you think she's obsessed with fame?

  • At 10:21 AM, October 03, 2006, Blogger Magician said…

    after Spice Girls they all look and sound the same to me. Ah where is the originality gone.........

  • At 12:52 PM, October 04, 2006, Blogger weasel said…

    Those are my favourite GA lyrics too. As someone who has followed them from the beginning, I applaud your devotion... what the fuck is with this country refusing to buy their music in droves?? Fuckers!

    I also rather like:

    "I need a squeeze a day
    'Stead of this negligee
    What will the neighbours say"

  • At 8:16 PM, October 05, 2006, Blogger weasel said…

    I actually think the real lyrics are better... "something inside of me / wants a part of you" makes them sound cock hungry if you ask me... they only want a part, after all.

  • At 11:35 AM, October 12, 2006, Anonymous James said…

    I am so incredibly in love with your post! haha

    it's a total GEM!


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