Shits Aloud

S2BC is thinking of shutting up shop and heading over to this place:



The UK is a place where people like this can be lauded on TV and deservedly get recording contracts:



Instead, we live in a country where beings like this get compliments for their musical output:



Truly unfathomable.

But alas we are not here to promote cholesterol-loaded upbringings. Let us instead get on with the rankings.

The Bottom 3:

9.Ricky Muscat


We were all invited to witness the land down under Ricky's belt courtesy of a candid naked baby shot which ended all speculation about Ricky's latent Judaism. Also under the microscope was Ricky's limited vocal range and a complete lack of informed song choice for the second week in a row. Woeful.

8.Chris Murphy


Like watching swine on red cordial, only less tuneful. Horrendous.

7.Mutto


Unfortunately not the worst. :-(

Not altogether impressive either:

6.Lisa Mitchell


5.Jessica Mauboy


With that voice Jessica needs to be drinking Brandy, not imitating her. Actually, that's a really disgusting image, I'm sorry.

4.Damien Leith


Damien's father:We were hoping for a boy or a girl but we got Damien.

Here we all were focusing on Lavina's potentially packed out underwear when it's actually Tintin Damien who's the worry. So was this performance but on a crap night he still places highly.

Fairly decent:

3.Bobby Flynn


Nice theatrics, but really needs a set of maracas for that epileptic left arm. I appreciate the innovation Bobby brings, or attempts to bring, to this show. His performances are also an excellent insight into what Daniel Day-Lewis' character in My Left Foot might have been capable of if he'd gained control of his other three limbs and mounted a stage musical.

2.Dean Geyer


Kyle: That was a sexy song. But you haven't had sex, you're a God-loving virgin boy.

Dean's, and Kyle's, best performance, although it's perhaps surprising that he chose "You Give Love A Bad Name" instead of "Livin' On A Prayer".

Stratospheres ahead:

1."Avril" Lavina Williams


This was potentially one of the most hilarious 5 minutes in the history of Idol, for approximately 5 reasons.

A. Because Lavina apparently used to be white, according to her baby photo.
B. Because the Williams family apparently aren't fond of cameras - the editors of the pre-performance segment were forced to cut back to the same baby photo a total of 5 times.
C. Because we were being asked to imagine that Lavina was a contestant on this show, rather than a visiting, already established world-beating musical icon. Breathtakingly good on every level.
D. Because English apparently no longer contains sufficient adjectival breadth for Marcia Hines, who declared Lavina "more than welcome" after a performance that was "beyond beautiful". Girlfriend is proving to be quite the linguistic trailblazer.
E. Because Lavina donned yet another girdle! Is this a new trend she's starting? (Of corset is.)

It's a tough call but it looks like it's the Muscat's turn to be corked - tune in tomorrow to find out.