AI5: Comedy Rock Night Feat. Marcia's Feedback

OH DEAR. Here is a picture of Lana Krost summarising last night's episode:



The alleged most competitive Top 11 we've ever had last night put on the musical equivalent of a clown nose and a unicycle for our general amusement, mostly butchering their chosen rock songs with the kind of generous, banshee-like abandon typical of a karaoke hen's night at Charlton's.

Last night's episode was literally the most horrendous 90 minutes the Idol franchise has ever produced. Consequently, the prospect of sifting through 11 almost universally awful performances and attempting to rank them into some type of order seems too terrible for words; indeed, it fills me with the kind of trepidation that George Clooney's character must have experienced shortly before having each of his nails forcibly removed with pliers about halfway through Syriana.


"Good night and good luck to each of you"

By George, they'll need it. It's possible that the Top 11's collective foecal output might serve as a treatise on why Rock Night should never, ever be a theme again. It was only introduced for the first time last year, and while there were a couple of gems from that particular night (namely Jessica and Lavina), it was mostly painful that time as well, even resulting in possibly the series' finest natural talent, Reigan Derry, being deservedly but regrettably ousted. Hardly a roaring success.

The night was so deplorably bad that I would willingly sit through a 4 hour rock tribute triple bill of the following performers than sit through that tripe again.



Thankfully, there was light shining through the dross last night, but it didn't come from any of the contestants. It came from a saviour. Two, in fact.

1. The Marcia God. In the kind of stunning reversal of character usually reserved for cinema's finest plot twists, Marcia offered ACTUAL, NON-CHANEL-PROMPTED FEEDBACK tonight. Amazingly, she embraced her role as judge with the most genuinely constructive common sense responses that she's ever dished out in five series, in addition to some standard non-sensical crack-assisted output, the best of which tonight was clearly (to Carl):


"I have nothing to say. That was self-explanatory."

Amen to that.

2. The Actual God. If you thought Mazda and Head & Shoulders had already taken product placement to new heights on this year's series of Australian Idol, they have nothing on the Lord, who sponsored last night's episode by (a) furnishing every contestant with a crucifix and (b) sensually rippling through every molecule of Tarisai Williams Vushe after her performance in a way that made the immaculate conception seem entirely plausible.


Fig. 1: Precious Woman

But what can we say for the actual performances? This is how I saw them:

11. Booanna Carpenter, "The Logical Song" (by Supertramp)
10. Carl Risible, "Clocks" (by Coldplay)
9. Marty Simpson, "Jenny Don't Be Hasty" (by Paolo Nutini)
8. Jennifer Connolly, "The Immigrant Song" (by Led Zeppelin)
7. Daniel Mifsud, "Fire" (by Jimi Hendrix)
6. Natalie Gauci, "Sweet Child O' Mine" (by Guns 'N' Roses)
5. Hello Krostie, "C'mon, C'mon" (by Little Birdy)
4. Jacob Butler, "What's The Story, Morning Glory?" (by Oasis)
3. Parasite Williams Vushe, "Hard To Handle" (by Otis Redding/The Black Crowes)
2. Ben McKenzie, "Bodies" (by Little Birdy)
1. Mark Da Costa, "High Voltage" (by AC/DC)

This is certainly not to say that Ben and Mark were necessarily very good at all. To this end, please note that while Mark heads up the list, it was still the kind of naff, boring output that has no home in the Idol finals. In fact, as far as Mark's concerned, for an alleged rock gig veteran, this was a woefully underwhelming effort that reminded me at times of the relatively limp performance from Carrie Underwood during country week, her forte, in American Idol 4. Of course, it just so happens Carrie is now the world's leading country artist but I'm boldly predicting that Mark Da Costa is not this country's next rock icon.


"That opinionated outburst strikes me as both surprising and foolhardy"

I'm not even done: I'm also wagering that Booanna's performance is possibly the worst effort that a finalist has ever served up in five years of this show, and that includes Lauren Buckley's tear-infested departure performance of Lady Marmalade, Laura Gissara's infamous semi-final key change during En Vogue's Don't Let Go Love and Daniel Belle's awe-inspiring rendition of Rock DJ. It really was worse than all of those efforts combined. Poor bitch claims that she's deaf in one ear and therefore unable to counter-measure her pitch while on stage, but the reality is that both Helen Keller and Marlee Matlin could have done a better job underwater wearing a gimp mask. If she's still around after tomorrow night I will be genuinely surprised.

However, massive props (e.g. a hat stand, perhaps an umbrella) to Hello Krostie, now looking a lot like Michelle Branch, for her first Top 5 finish on S2BC. It is literally amazing that (a) she really was not altogether awful this week and (b) she sang an actual rock song, the first of two Little Birdy tracks, both of them excellent. There hasn't been this kind of support for a great Aussie band since Casey and Hayley both covered george in the Top 7 round of Season 2, the former memorably and the latter offensively.

Biggest disappointment was clearly my girl G(r)auci. Natalie is probably wishing she could have just popped in a tape of her excellent performance from last week for the purposes of this week's theme. Copying Jessica Mauboy's hair from last year's corresponding episode was simply not enough for Natalie to also channel the quality of that performance.



Jessica's "Walk Away" was one of the standout performances of the series (only just missing out on an appearance in S2BC's Top 20 All-Time Greatest Idol Performances), but Natalie's rendition of this classic was such a disappointment. I wanted her to unleash on the power notes, but she excised most of the song's best parts in favour of some twee emotional symmetry. Over to Marcia:


"I don't know what I'm sitting here listening to and watching."

This was intended to indicate disagreement with the judging panel and to compliment Natalie's performance, but it kind of came out all wrong. Marcia followed up that doozy by dropping the bombshell, a propos of nothing apparently, that Natalie isn't a tall, skinny white boy.


This is not a picture of Natalie

I went to a wedding on the weekend where the bride declared that she didn't ever believe the year 2004 could be bettered, because it was the "year of accessories". She went on to meet her husband in 2005, so I believe the implication is that it was indeed bettered, but I think it's premature to make a call on that. What is definitely clear, however, is that 2007 is shaping up as a genuine contender for 2004's mantle, at least as far as neck-gear is concerned. Jennifer Connolly tonight donned a top that actually appeared to have a BUILT-IN SCARF, while Daniel Mifsud made his first public admission about deliberately incorporating scarves into his "look". This is now beyond tiresome: SHERIDAN TYLER WOULD YOU PLEASE PUT DOWN THAT CRACK PIPE AND DO YOUR FUCKING JOB. Meanwhile, Jacob Butler is determinedly continuing with ties, even combining it tonight with an impractical winter coat. Now we all know that Jacob loooooooooves Britain, but this particular look was less 'Manchester indie' and a lot more 'Canary Wharf investment bank'.

Some further quotables:

1. "It ('Clocks') is one of the more biggest sort of soft rock songs that's ever been." - Carl
2. "Repeat after me: '[pause] Um... If you me try... Er... If you and me ain't tryin', I can't see the point.' Yeah." - Marcia (to HK)
3. "Dude, I'm up for it!" (Ben, about a disturbing hypothetical "competition" with Bindi Irwin)

All in all, Dicko summarised it best. Tiresomely nicknamed "Bindi" by Mark Holden on the basis of his khaki number, but instead, I think you'll find, doing a Jeff Probst tribute, Dicko chimed in with some nice parting commentary: "Some of them will be licking their wounds tonight."

Indeed. He omitted the word "axe", but I think we all know what he's referring to.