AI5's House Of Cards

"Hi! I'm not at all conspicuously absent tonight"

As you can see, I'm still not over the whole Cheray omission scenario. Indeed, her particular performance sensibilities and general sass were sorely missed in a male-dominated Wild Card episode characterised by mediocrity.

However, there was luckily one amazing performance to salvage the devastating array of sheer drivel, and, in defiance of the judges' male favouritism, it came from a woman. And it was a DOOZY. But we'll get to that.



The show was kicked off by a noticeably wired James Mathison, whose already enormously alert eyes were doing their own personal, exaggerated homage to Ren & Stimpy tonight. He added to this startling contribution by later telling viewers, "If you want to know how to enter your Mum in the competition, visit our website..." Of course, he was merely explaining to viewers about the "My Mum Rocks" competition, but I was briefly concerned about which website he was going to be directing us to. This is, after all, a family show.



The judges eventually gave their usual spiel about competitors bringing their "A Game", as if it were simply a matter of remembering to pack the right equipment. Dicko didn't bring his, instead lazily recycling his philosophy from today's Sunday Age Rewind article that "there are no dead ends in life".


"Are those crickets I hear"

Thankfully, Kyle brought his, hilariously encouraging everyone to "sing their ring out". Right on.

So in what order did our Wild Cards arrange themselves tonight?

8. Carl Risible, "Bye Bye Love" (by The Everly Brothers)



This was a much better performance than last week from Cheray's one-time squeeze, but there's just no vocal range or control, let alone dexterity, in this man's terrible voice. If he gets through, you just know it's a matter of time until a John Stevens (American Idol 3) situation befalls us and we pray for the weekly train wrecks to end. Marcia called it "smooth" and she hopes we "get it", but she seems to be giving him kudos for having a penis separately being a credible musician, ignoring the clear reality of his weak, unlistenable voice, and so all we end up "getting" is bored.

7. Husny Thalib, "I Believe" (by Blessed Union of Souls)



Has Mark Holden ever wanted to bone a male before? He has a disturbing fixation with Husny. It could be the arms: Husny's arms are so muscly and prominent they should form their own band. If they did, they would be surely be known as The Thalibarms. Sadly, all Husny could deliver to me tonight was a pun. I wanted to love his performance, and to truly support his inclusion in the Top 12, but after declaring his love for Kate Bush, Britney Spears, Madonna and Prince, choosing an MOR mid-90s ballad from an American rock group was never going to cut the mustard. It seems a bizarre choice from someone who moments before performing declared that viewers "don't want the same thing anymore", which could only have been a reference to heterosexuals or obesity. In any event, this was a really average performance, further marred by a bizarre physical affliction causing him to awkwardly lock one arm in position by his side, almost the exact opposite of that experienced by Marty Simpson. Luckily, it's a very lovely arm.

6. Dave Andrews, "Dolphin's Cry" (by Live)



Swimmer Dave claims to feel an intensely personal connection to the lyrics of this song. That it's called "Dolphin's Cry" makes you instantly uncomfortable about Swimmer Dave's underwater antics. And while this is recognisably better than his last performance, he lost most of the notes in his lower register and meandered aimlessly around the stage like a footpath evangelist. The judging was again the most interesting part about Dave's Idol experience, in which we discover that this is YET ANOTHER of Marcia's 750,000 favourite songs. At this point, SonyBMG's mooted project entitled "Marcia Hines' Favourites" represents a potential compilation filling roughly 80 CDs. Finally, the performance was ably summed up by Andrew G, who encouraged viewers to vote with the emphatic rally cry "This is Dave Anderson!" which in its error-ridden clumsiness demonstrated that we are all already mercifully willing Dave's name from our lives.

5. Jacket Byrnes, "Long Train Running" (by The Doobie Brothers)



Jacket's jacket is less cumbersome this time. He is obviously thinking that the naval-cum-band leader jacket did wonders for Ben McKenzie, except the overall effect instead recalls Courtney Murphy on speed. The rainbow badge on his jacket explains some of the Liza Minelli dance moves from last week, subtly reinforcing that this year's Top 24 features more sister-girlfriends than the producers may have realised. But far from amazing us like Ben, it looks like he's going to be relegated to the bench with Husny: it was a capable but boring performance, saved only from its tranquillising effect by the judging. The judges were brutally honest, including Marcia, who offered actual criticism for the second time this season. As an added bonus, she delivered a sharp backhander to Jacket by complimenting only the guitar riff in the song. Nice work.

4. Sarah Lloyde, "Candyman" (by Xtina Aguilera)



Sarah is continuing her Sex & The City homage, appearing again as Kim Cattrall in short shorts. This performance started strongly, but she arranged the song with terrible, uncomfortable pauses and inept scatting, scarcely overpowering the back-up vocalists. Still, it's enough for 4th place tonight, and Sarah continues to present as a not-entirely-unsaleable marketing product, so there's hope. Meanwhile, it looks like each judge has someone they hate. For Kyle it's Husny, and for Mark it's unquestionably Sarah. As for Marcia, girlfriend is too busy "splitting the difference", whatever the fuck that means.

3. Daniel Mifsud, "Lay Your Love On Me" (by Roachford)



Someone has finally told him about the scarf! And I hate to say that while you could still quite happily upholster a couch from his chest hair, he actually looked really good tonight, and sang a million times better than at his first attempt. Surprise, surprise, this song is another one of Marcia's favourites, which we again learn the instant she opens her mouth. Then: "Your appendages can be one of the most awkward things in the world, can't they?" Marcia hornily enquired, barely restraining herself from offering a little sumtin' sumtin' to put those same appendages at ease. It wasn't quite "in the pocket", the term used by Kyle: rather, it was absolutely in the same ballpark as Dean Geyer and Millsy. The former's first single scarcely bothered the charts and the latter is currently wowing Australian audiences on Channel 9's Quizmania. That's all I'm sayin'. Still, it was good enough for 3rd place tonight, and it looks like we've got a couple of months yet with Idol's very own yeti.

2. Mark Da Costa, "Evie Pt 1" (by Stevie Wright)



UNWRITTEN RULE BREAK ALERT. This song delivered a touchdown last year to Porcine Murphy and I continue to maintain that previous touchdowns simply MUST be avoided. But that misstep aside, it was energetic, professional and sufficiently promising to earn our votes. Viewers, please bring this man's experience to the Top 12 to ensure both eyes and ears will be catered for.

1. Natalie G(r)auci, "Feelin' Good" (by Nina Simone)



As Natalie took the stage, I was immediately concerned about a potential copycat Fantasia Barrino performance: commencing the song seated in a reclined position, coupled with the era of the song being sung, vividly recalled Fantasia's peerless "Summertime" performance from mid-way through American Idol 3. But this grew quickly into its own unique and memorable moment, with Natalie showcasing both her musicianship and her vocal range without resorting to Xtina-style histrionics, demonstrating an intriguing delicate vulnerability in her voice which wasn't previously apparent. Free of excessive make-up and ravenous-crotched pants, Natalie delivered a classy, delicious, unexpected delight - clearly the 2nd best performance of this year so far and guaranteeing a 5th girl into the finals.

We're definitely seeing Natalie, Daniel and Mark in the Top 12. The other spot is truly anyone's guess.