AI5: Dissecting The Top 24

Monday night came and went without any satisfying Klancie-style crybaby outbursts (barring Jasmine's spectacular bogan dummy spit), but it did usefully expose the obvious favourites, who for once appear (a) male and (b) meritorious. These two things almost never coincide.

In all of recorded history, only 3 vaguely capable male singers have appeared on this show: Guy, Anthony and Damien, with only the first truly resembling anything like a popstar. (Granted, I must begrudgingly admit that Shannon has since dished out a surprising array of good pop songs - more on that in S2BC's next Top 20 extravaganza).

But now add to that list this man:


"Even my teeth are perfect"

More on him later. As for the women, this year unusually it's a bunch of self-appointed quirky blonde chicks with guitars all aiming to be the Second Best Thing To Come Out Of This Country Musically. Lisa Mitchell has a lot to answer for. Yawn.

Thankfully, the main annoying hangers-on were severed from the bunch early. Favourite destinations for the eliminated contestants seem to be "the drawing board" and "the shearing shed", which sounds all very practical and probably more productive than any musical endeavour. Marcia again presided over their despatch in the guise of Concerned Earth Mother, draped in funereal black to mourn the decline of the environment and occasionally pretending to cry. When in doubt, look down and dab the face, irrespective of moisture levels: works a treat!

While the decisions to boot Cleo Bowman, RedDreads™, Dylan "Hi I'm So Fuckin' Kookie & Especially Indie Just Look At MY HAIR" Yeandle and above all Jerry Lewis-wannabe Jordan Paris were met with delight at my end of the televisual relationship, I was surprised they opted to cull the only male country voice, Chad Woods. I didn't like him in the slightest but they gave Klancie a go last year, and even went to the trouble of filming on his farm. Plus he's clearly the spitting image of what JonBenet Ramsay would have looked like had she survived and had a sex change.



I was sad to part ways with the brilliantly named Cyndi Dietrich (even if vocally last night she sounded a bit like a limp carrot). Also, there were repeated sightings of Kelis and Rihanna in the Top 64; WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM PLEASE. Seriously, there was a dead ringer for Rihanna in that group and frankly if someone looks like a popstar it's quite possibly worth giving them a chance regardless of their vocal ability. ("I second that" - Amali Ward)


"My hair doubles as a jellyfish"

But it's time for the haves, not the have-nots. In random order, let's meet our Top 24. To assist our entirely unsuperficial analysis, I have savvily undertaken some "research" (via the website) and again consulted the infallibly prophetic power of the anagram to gain some insight into what the future holds for our semi-finalists.



Name: Natalie Gauci
Anagram: "La Cutie, Again"
Likelihood of success: 6/10

La Cutie is part of a rare breed of Australian Idol contestant - attractive. And let's face it, Australians like their female finalists to be anything from pudgy to outright obese, but never slim and sexy. There is virtually no precedent on this show for attractive female musicians to make the finals, let alone do well, and her anagram would seem to suggest she is merely the next in a long line of blandly gorgeous competitors to come and go. However, it is possible that she did something vaguely palatable with a keyboard on Monday night, which is somewhat promising, even if she is clearly only proficient in the use of a limited number of keys.

Anyway, on the website, Natalie claims to adore Peter Gabriel, which is her way of telling us she plans to ram adult contemporary choices down our throats with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer (<-- see what I did there? I love us!). This is despite Natalie also telling us that "I love it because I can relate to it and it challenges my ears", which may sound like she's championing an entirely new sexual orifice, but she's actually referring to pop music! So there's hope for us all.



Name: Tarisai Vushe
Anagram: "A-ha! Virtue Sis'"; "Visa: I Heart Us!"
Likelihood of success: 4/10

Virtue Sis' is our very own wailing, bible-bashing Paris Bennett, and represents much more of a threat to our borders than Mohammed Haneef. We are yet to see much of Vushe's Tush, so it remains to be seen whether she has been made by her Divine Maker in the vein of Paulini circa Young Divas or Serena circa [insert grand slam victory], but what is clear is that she belongs to the "Why Respect The Melody When You Can Fucking Shout The Song A New Arsehole" school of singing. S2BC is usually a passionate adherent of the Virtue Sis' prototype - see also Paulini, Bek, Anne, Emily, Lavina - but this one is testing the patience. My guess is Australia will agree. Even Marcia seems strangely disconnected from her sister-girlfriend, responding to Kyle's labelling of Virtue Sis' as "Mini Marcia" with the indignant retort "That AIN'T me!". But we must at least love this little wench because of the clangers coming out of her God-fearing mouth. Not only is her favourite show allegedly "That's So Raven", but witness this, from the website: "Watching Whitney Houston on television letting that voice out made me cry to God about how I wanted to become a precious woman..." Can this show get any better?



Name: Sarah Lloyde
Anagram: "Dollars: Yeah!"; "Really Sad Ho"
Likelihood of success: 5/10

I'm hedging my bets on Sarah and her superfluously spelt moniker. Her anagram screams financial success on the one hand, but she could just as equally be a sullen, pathetic, unbankable little slut. We already know that she works in a car wash and doesn't "mind getting dirty". And a brief perusal of that Jacob Butler link from the other day reveals that this woman has been whoring herself out to TV singing competitions for years:


"No deal"

Musically, there are some questions. She sang an Andrews Sisters song for her final performance without any semblance of swing or sass. I have some definite concerns for RSH. On the website, she names Kyle as her favourite judge, claiming that "he like me and was nice to me two years old and still is". This is disturbing on more than one level: dear God, what happened to this woman when she was 2 years old at the hand of Cholesterol Demon Sandilands that she can no longer form grammatical sentences? Poor bitch has been so fundamentally interfered with that she can't even differentiate between sensations: to prepare for performances she claims to "warm up of course, and try to chill". Llordy. Goode llucke to her.



Name: Sally Van Der Zwart
Anagram: "Lazy Servant Drawl"
Likelihood of success: 2/10

What can be said about Sally? She is VERY ALERT. That's about it. Nine million letters and not one instructive anagram to be had, other than foreshadowing her bogan accent: curse you, woman. Over at the website, Sally tells us that one of her favourite musicians is "Bono (U2)". That was a bit obscure; thanks for the heads up Sally. Sally also thinks being a good indicator of star quality is "being able to light up a room as soon as you walk in". Sally is easily impressed, and potentially often in the dark. And that's all we'll ever need to know about Sally.



Name: Rosie Ribbons
Anagram: "Brie Ribs Soon"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

According to the website, and supported by her anagram, Rosie's favourite food is cheese, which is a concern. Nonetheless, she was the last one into the semi-finals, taking the Klancie spot over Cyndi Dietrich. In a display of irrefutable, alarmingly unfussy logic prior to being selected, Rosie revealed her motivations for singing: "I don't believe I'm not supposed to sing." Living life this way must be exhausting, planning your future on the basis of signs that have failed to arrive. Not winning UK Pop Idol was obviously not a big enough hint. But let's be fair: she finished 6th on that show, even releasing 2 singles (one of which went as high as #12 on the UK chart) and securing a multi-million pound record deal. The label died in the arse. Rosie moved to Dubbo. As you do. Still, I have a feeling about this one.



Name: Morgan Hosking
Anagram: "Honking Orgasm"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

Ms Orgasm absolutely screams "promising" - the little we have seen of her has been suitably impressive. She also screams "Emo", which is beyond doubt because she dyes her hair black and wears a crucifix, and is further bolstered by her favourite show being "Happy Tree Friends & Friends", a show about cartoon characters being brutally injured and killed. Her favourite movie is "Fern Gully", a movie about cartoon characters under threat of death by environmental disaster. It really is a thrill-a-minute with Ms Orgasm. Ideally, she will make make the finals so she can sing something from Tool's Lateralus, her favourite album, in Rock Week, during which she might even cut herself. We can only hope.



Name: Daniel Mifsud
Anagram: "Semi-Final Dud"
Likelihood of success: 8/10

On the basis of his over-exposure, you'd think this maniacally scarf-obsessed, repulsively hirsute competitor would be a shoe-in. However, our Anagram Oracle says otherwise. We should be so lucky. This guy has clearly not had a shower since his first audition, appearing in the same disgusting jacket-and-scarf ensemble at every available opportunity, which means the ensemble is a deliberate stylistic choice made for calculated reasons and please hand me a knife so I can scrape the grease off my fingers as I continue to type this Daniel-associated filth. His only potentially saving grace is a sense of humour: in his website profile, he repeatedly invokes a love of 80s power ballads and in particular Michael Bolton. Bring on Michael Bolton Week.

Name: Matt Corby
Anagram: "Ratty Comb"
Likelihood of success: 10/10

Hillsong's latest poster-boy and future Neighbours star is a guaranteed finalist and the likely victor at this point. No need to consult the Anagram Oracle, which in any event only foretells the future complexities of Matt's hyper-stylised hair maintenance. His voice, or what we have seen of it, is sensational, and his musicianship appears top-notch too. The only concern, according to the website, is that Matt will thank "his parents and church" when he wins. Given that he believes Elvis is God (also according to the website), which church is he referring to? ("I'm not comfortable with this flippant discussion topic" - Tarisai Vushne)

Name: Marty Simpson
Anagram: "My Son's Armpit"
Likelihood of success: 8/10

I don't have a son, and neither does he, but there's something appropriately musty and unwashed about Marty's new moniker: This is a man who reverberates with funk in every sense of the word, with one of the most distinctive voices of the competition. It seems to matter little that he is under threat of vicious attack from his own eyebrows: I think he's an excellent shot to take the second slot in his group of 6.

Name: Mark Da Costa
Anagram: "A Dark Mascot"
Likelihood of success: 5/10

A dark horse, perhaps? I wouldn't know, I don't even know who the fuck this is, which bodes well for his potential. Mark has apparently been gigging for years, but only chose to become a professional singer on the basis of Damien Leith's ludicrous sales of his live winner's album. It's unclear what Mark hopes to gain from the experience since he's up against Lyall, Marty and Swimmer Dave in his group of 6, but he claims to see Idol as "another bite at the cherry" so it's obviously all about the oral sex. Nice one.

Name: Madison Pritchett
Anagram: "Constipated Mirth"
Likelihood of success: 6/10

I couldn't tell you what Madison has sung, but she seems strangely familiar.

Harsh, I know, but unmistakable to me. And it seems we'll be getting some decent value from Madison and her bizarrely angular face: not only does her anagram promise she won't give us the shits, but we'll also be laughing. I look forward to it.

Name: Lyall Adonis
Anagram: "Nasally Idol"; "Sly Anal Idol"
Likelihood of success: 9/10

A victim of child abuse - "Mum and her friends had such delight in dressing me up and making me give concerts to them when I was 5 years old..." - Lyall is spurred on by the advice of his mother: "No-one will discover you in your bedroom." Except her friends, that is. Guy Sebastian Version 2.0 is named after a God, is appealingly humble and has one of the finer male voices. It's all looking good, so long as he is the latter and not the former of his anagrammatic Idol identities.

Name: Lana Krost
Anagram: "Oral Stank"
Likelihood of success: 4/10

For some reason, Lana makes me think of Hello Kitty. Is it just me?

"Does Australia think I have it in me?" Lana rhetorically mused as the credits rolled on Monday night's episode. Not sure, but I'm certain at least half of the viewership would happily put it in you, love. Pity your vocal is set to stink. At least Lana has a refreshing take on the usefulness of Idol as a medium of unearthing untalent: "Because it acts as a stepping stone for people who are just beginning their career or for those at the end of it. " Quite.

Name: Junior To'o
Anagram: "Out Or Join"
Likelihood of success: 6/10

It could clearly go either way for Joseph Gahetau Version 2.0. We can thank him at the least for bringing apostrophes back. And, um, Junior is planning on wearing "black letter pants" during the competition. So he's bringing innovative fashion back to'o. Sweet.

Name: Jesse Curran
Anagram: "Nu Crass Jeer"
Likelihood of success: 6/10

Jesse has cast herself as a De Rouge-ite in her promotional pics. This can't possibly be a good thing. However, whereas Kate channelled John Farnham, Jesse claims to be the Tim Winton of music. I love me some Winton writing but this also can't possibly be a good thing. Australia does not need another Kasey Chambers or Lisa Mitchell. It needs another Young Diva understudy, or perhaps someone to sing overtop of a Paul Mac dance beat. Will the reaction be a crass jeer of sorts from a pop-heavy demographic, or is Mildura the new Bendigo?

Name: Jacob Butler
Anagram: "O Abject Blur!"
Likelihood of success: 3/10

By his own admission, Jacob's only alternative is to explore music journalism if this fails. He didn't have the X Factor and I'm pretty sure he's not the Idol either, but his self-deprecating style and dinkum appreciation of the mere opportunity will shield him from the inevitable fall. He's really not ageing well, is he? And so quickly - 22 to 27 in just 2 years. Amazing. Interestingly, both the show and the website completely overlook his X Factor incarnation. This is probably for the best.

Name: Jack Byrnes
Anagram: "By Jerk Scan"
Likelihood of success: 4/10

The only way Jack makes it is if his fellow competitors are exposed as jerks. He has a clear earnestness about him which should make this easy, but he's up against a cast of thousands of the same ilk. It would be nice to see him win though, if only to hear the thank you speech. On the website Jack plans to thank "my mother and the public, both of these would have been instrumental up to that point. And my father, who I wouldn't be here without." This is gold: Mum and viewers, you rock; Dad, thanks for the sperm!

Name: Husny Thalib
Anagram: "Nail Thy Bush"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

There's a lot to love about Husny. He's not particularly strong vocally but he names Aailiyah, Kate Bush, Britney and Madonna as genuine idols, prances about the stage with the noir theatre of a neo-Boy George and sang "Papa Don't Preach" in his audition. This must continue, if only so we can see him perform "Babushka".

Name: Holly Weinert
Anagram: "Telly Hero Win?"
Likelihood of success: 5/10

Holly brings such a freshness to Idol because she's from the country, is blonde and has a guitar. TRAILBLAZER ALERT. However, she appears to enjoy suspenders, which is novel and an entirely more palatable accessory than scarves. Other than that it's difficult to tell if she will be capable of an heroic semi-final victory alongside Jocelyn Wildenstein, Ms Orgasm, Rosie and The Lloyyddee.

Name: Dave Andrews
Anagram: "Adverse Dawn"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

Swimmer Dave gave a captivating acoustic rendition of Radiohead's "Karma Police" in his final audition, wearing a dubious satin shirt. Together with Lyall Adonis, he probably isn't a candidate for anti-aggression therapy, barely whimpering, "we both desire this equally" with all the desperate diplomacy of Amanda Vanstone in a Middle Eastern jail when asked if he should win the coveted last semi-final position. It's difficult to know whether an adverse dawn awaits us or him; I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on the basis of that excellent audition.

Name: Cheray Doughty
Anagram: "Ye Achy Drought"; "The Grouchy Day"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

Hooray for Cheray: she's cute as a button, and on being selected for the final 24 her first thought was for the children she teaches, her tears unpretentiously spilling forth. I like Cheray a lot and think she has the most substance of all the blonde guitar-wielding brigade. She also has an impeccable musical pedigree, having a famous songwriting father (Ray Burton) and having experienced first-hand Carl Risely's trumpet. Will her drought be ended come semi-final time, or does a grouchy day await?

Name: Carl Risely
Anagram: "Real Lyrics"; "Rally Cries"
Likelihood of success: 6/10

Speaking of Carl: Idol's resident hunk is a welcome addition to this year's bunch, if only to prompt a weekly moistening chez Marcia. Sister-girlfriend expressed a passion for horn-playing at Carl's audition, even claiming, implausibly, "I could hear it in your voice that you're a trumpet player". We shouldn't be surprised by this: Marcia has always had an ear (and an eye) for talented mouths, particularly where their owner also has a penis. This naval musician will be blowing his own trumpet at some stage, and will no doubt begin trumpeting his share of navels as the series progresses, rendering his "real lyrics" somewhat superfluous. A sure thing were he not up against Husny, Matt and Scarf-face. Now that blows.

Name: Brianna Carpenter
Anagram: "Carpenter In A Barn"
Likelihood of success: 7/10

Methinks we've only just begun with this particular carpenter, the neo-Chanel if ever there was one. Except this one also happens to be the female Dylan, adopting a similarly laboured "My hair is asymmetrical, therefore I am quirky & indie!" presentation philosophy. She does get bonus points for naming her favourite film as "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" though, and her first audition was interesting. But so was Lisa's and we know how that ended up. De facto points as well for eliciting two of this year's best one-liners from the judges: Marcia's "Bringing colour to this show is my job"; and Kyle's "You can bring the Lindy Chamberlain haircut". Nice work team.

Name: Ben McKenzie
Anagram: -
Likelihood of success: 2/10

Fittingly, Ben's name is impossible to turn into an anagram, reflecting how we have all by now lost the will to live - if you're still reading. I think that basic energy level will be mirrored in the public reaction to Ben, who at barely 16 is still audibly adapting to his freshly broken voice.

And there you finally have it. Semi-finals begin on Sunday night, continuing ALL WEEK. S2BC officially endorses Matt Corby, Cheray Doughty and Husny Thalib at this early stage.

Stay tuned for the conclusion of S2BC's Top 20 All-Time Idol Performances later this week.