Big Brother Goes To Wimbledon

It received little publicity, but the most audacious reality TV feat in history was achieved late on Saturday night (Melbourne time).

The two behemoths of the genre, Australian Idol and Big Brother, went head-to-head in a sporting-themed event of epic proportions (Saturday Night Games, if you will).

That's right: I'm talking about the exhibition tennis match between Idol's Paulini and BB07's Michelle (pictured together below, allegedly at Wimbledon).



Did anyone see this astonishingly realistic farce? It looked exactly like it was taking place on the hallowed lawns of the All England Club!

Of course, the truth is that it was indeed a real tennis match. It was Ladies' Finals Day at Wimbledon, usually an exciting event when fit players who can actually hit balls over nets are present. One such player turned up - Venus Williams, who also moonlights as an octopus. Her net game and court speed were extraordinary, and she's looking marvellously in shape lately. That being said, it was only a genetic lottery that spared her the same voluminous booty of sister Serena, who for the duration of the match sat sullenly courtside draped in a mumu.

Meanwhile, Venus's opponent, Marion Bartoli, flailed around the court pretending to be some weird hybrid of Monica Seles and Lindsay Davenpig Davenport, except with approximately 4,000 times less speed, power, finesse and skill than that found in either woman's smallest toes.

Venus crushed Bartoli. There were some decent rallies, and it was far from a whitewash, but the commentators were so desperate to make it sound more exciting than it actually was. "6-4, 6-1 is not really indicative of the scoreline," nonsensically quipped the ever eloquent John Newcombe. You fuckwit.

Bartoli amazingly despatched Justine Henin in the semi-finals, in an admittedly spirited display which I witnessed.

This, however, does not change the fact that Bartoli is a terrible player, who has never hit an ace in her life, who will never make a grand slam final again and who clearly likes nothing better than to scoff down 11 or 12 chocolate eclairs before stepping on court.



Apparently, Bartoli's father - who is also her coach - used to offer his daughter a chocolate for every target she hit in tennis practice. She can't have missed many.

As for her alter ego Michelle from BB07, it was that horrendous wench's time to go last night, in yet another unsurprising result. And so we are yet another week closer to an uninspiring finale. Unless Zach manages to - er - come from behind for the victory. That would be nice. He's a lovely person who would be thoroughly deserving for once.

Now, that likeness again:



You hideous woman: please go and love yourself into a coma.

(Not you, Bartoli - you can just go and love yourself back into the 2nd or 3rd round of a grand slam. Any one is fine - you can choose, but just one, you greedy guts.)