Pon De Rihannagram

Like most inevitabilities, the time has finally come for us all to acknowledge that Rihanna is a complete bitch.


"I've never been so insulted, mahn"

Take it like a bitch, sister-girlfriend: You're a fairweather friend of no fucking use to Melburnians, offering the services of your so-called um-berella during this city's worst period of water restrictions.

Nevertheless, I am forced to concede that "Umbrella" is an infectious gem of a song, expertly leveraging off Rihanna's alto register to give the sexiest, sassiest middle finger to rain in the history of music. Perhaps only MIKA's "Grace Kelly" matches it for capturing the definitive pop flavour of 2007.



It would be easy to simply conclude that the rapid rise in Rihanna's pop culture stocks was - wait for it - precipitated by the song's success!


"Oh no you di'-'nt"

Call it pun de replay, if you will.

In any event, it's perhaps not surprising to see Rihanna appealing to us to join her quest to circumvent the darker side of meteorology. She has always preferred things sunny side up:



However, she has some experience with wind as well:



One thing is certainly clear: Rihanna was born to sing "Umbrella". In making this assertion, I have consulted that time-honoured source of truth and prophecy: the anagram.

Faithful S2BC readers (bless your respective cotton socks) know I loves me some anagram action. It involves re-working the spelling of a person's name to gain insight into their motivations and hidden personalities.

Exhibit 1: RIHANNA = "RAIN? NAH!"

I could, obviously, rest my robust and unchallengeable case there. But the insights into Rihanna become even more interesting when we add her last name (Fenty).

Exhibit 2: RIHANNA FENTY = "FANNY HAIR-NET"

This is a surprise. I would have picked Rihanna as a subject for total waxing, or at the least a Brazilian. This might be because her real first name is actually Robyn. That's right: Robyn Fenty! She sounds like she should be sitting at a desk processing forms (e.g. in the style of Medicare, HBA), no?

Exhibit 3: ROBYN FENTY = "F___' BONY ENTRY"

That's more like it. Rihanna is extremely slim, managing to make curling up on a single-seated wooden chair look comfortable.

Now all of this is really leading up to the proper challenge of using Rihanna's full name for prophetic purposes. Since Rihanna is actually her second name, what are we left with?

Exhibit 4: ROBYN RIHANNA FENTY = "HORNY INFANT NEARBY"

This makes complete sense because Rihanna is barely legal (now 19, but 17 back when the replay was initially ponned), and yet already a total slut. She manages to regularly exhibit tendencies somehow simultaneously aligned both with childhood simplicities and heightened sexual awareness.

For example, Rihanna is secretly a crazed fan of peek-a-boo.


"Who needs umbrellas"

Sometimes she plays it innocently ("Hi I'm in a cutesy pink jacket!"), other times coquettishly ("I invite you also to take a peek at my developing bosom"). Peek-a-boob, perhaps.

Of course, she may just desperately want us all to know she's just a girl "from the hood". If by "hood" you mean a gorgeous tropical island, where she was privately educated and where a ski jacket would be entirely unnecessary and perhaps even an incendiary risk. Thank goodness there is a fire extinguisher handy.

And lastly:

Exhibit 5: ROBYN RIHANNA FENTY = "ANOTHER BRINY FANNY"

Again, this makes complete sense on two levels. Firstly, brine is synonomous with fish. Secondly, brine is a salty substance, and Rihanna adores being lathered in salty substances. In "Umbrella", she repeatedly implores: "Come in to me. Come in to me." Dirty whore.

How misleading and deceptive: She's clearly not averse to being showered upon at all.

What did I tell you? A complete bitch.