Scott, To Be Certain


Thursday, July 05, 2007

Pon De Rihannagram

Like most inevitabilities, the time has finally come for us all to acknowledge that Rihanna is a complete bitch.

"I've never been so insulted, mahn"

Take it like a bitch, sister-girlfriend: You're a fairweather friend of no fucking use to Melburnians, offering the services of your so-called um-berella during this city's worst period of water restrictions.

Nevertheless, I am forced to concede that "Umbrella" is an infectious gem of a song, expertly leveraging off Rihanna's alto register to give the sexiest, sassiest middle finger to rain in the history of music. Perhaps only MIKA's "Grace Kelly" matches it for capturing the definitive pop flavour of 2007.

It would be easy to simply conclude that the rapid rise in Rihanna's pop culture stocks was - wait for it - precipitated by the song's success!

"Oh no you di'-'nt"

Call it pun de replay, if you will.

In any event, it's perhaps not surprising to see Rihanna appealing to us to join her quest to circumvent the darker side of meteorology. She has always preferred things sunny side up:

However, she has some experience with wind as well:

One thing is certainly clear: Rihanna was born to sing "Umbrella". In making this assertion, I have consulted that time-honoured source of truth and prophecy: the anagram.

Faithful S2BC readers (bless your respective cotton socks) know I loves me some anagram action. It involves re-working the spelling of a person's name to gain insight into their motivations and hidden personalities.

Exhibit 1: RIHANNA = "RAIN? NAH!"

I could, obviously, rest my robust and unchallengeable case there. But the insights into Rihanna become even more interesting when we add her last name (Fenty).


This is a surprise. I would have picked Rihanna as a subject for total waxing, or at the least a Brazilian. This might be because her real first name is actually Robyn. That's right: Robyn Fenty! She sounds like she should be sitting at a desk processing forms (e.g. in the style of Medicare, HBA), no?

Exhibit 3: ROBYN FENTY = "F___' BONY ENTRY"

That's more like it. Rihanna is extremely slim, managing to make curling up on a single-seated wooden chair look comfortable.

Now all of this is really leading up to the proper challenge of using Rihanna's full name for prophetic purposes. Since Rihanna is actually her second name, what are we left with?


This makes complete sense because Rihanna is barely legal (now 19, but 17 back when the replay was initially ponned), and yet already a total slut. She manages to regularly exhibit tendencies somehow simultaneously aligned both with childhood simplicities and heightened sexual awareness.

For example, Rihanna is secretly a crazed fan of peek-a-boo.

"Who needs umbrellas"

Sometimes she plays it innocently ("Hi I'm in a cutesy pink jacket!"), other times coquettishly ("I invite you also to take a peek at my developing bosom"). Peek-a-boob, perhaps.

Of course, she may just desperately want us all to know she's just a girl "from the hood". If by "hood" you mean a gorgeous tropical island, where she was privately educated and where a ski jacket would be entirely unnecessary and perhaps even an incendiary risk. Thank goodness there is a fire extinguisher handy.

And lastly:


Again, this makes complete sense on two levels. Firstly, brine is synonomous with fish. Secondly, brine is a salty substance, and Rihanna adores being lathered in salty substances. In "Umbrella", she repeatedly implores: "Come in to me. Come in to me." Dirty whore.

How misleading and deceptive: She's clearly not averse to being showered upon at all.

What did I tell you? A complete bitch.



  • At 5:38 PM, July 07, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Some of your best work Sir S2BC.

  • At 12:00 AM, July 09, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Scott you disturb and amaze us all at once. Nicely done!

  • At 9:58 AM, July 09, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Truly you are prophetic - looking back to the Anthony Callea anagram...well it doesn't get much better than that!

  • At 12:07 PM, July 09, 2007, Anonymous FranklinBluth said…

    Oh Scott, so very funny. Did you know that the song 'S.O.S.', that shot Rihanna to super-stardom, was initially offered to Mya, who knocked it back!?!? Sister-GF must be kickin' ho-self!

  • At 12:37 PM, July 09, 2007, Blogger Scott said…

    Paul and Anonymouses (Anonymi?), thank you.

    Franklin, I hear that "Umbrella" was offered to Mary J. Obliged! Now that would have been a different song, wouldn't it? George Michael and Bono filling in for Jay-Z - too many compulsory sunglasses for a song about rain.

  • At 12:19 PM, July 10, 2007, Blogger Adem IAR said…

    "S.O.S" was also offered to Christina Milian. She said no, and was later dropped by her label.

    "Umbrella" was also offered to Chris Brown! !!!!

    Jolly good work here Scott, as always.

  • At 1:47 PM, July 10, 2007, Blogger Scott said…

    Didn't Chris Brown do a "response" song called "Cinderella"?

  • At 5:41 PM, July 10, 2007, Blogger Kamikaze Camel said…

    ahem, "Umbrella" was initially given to BRITNEY SPEARS. If she's knocking back tracks like "Umbrella" then I'm not sure what hope there is for her comeback.

    Anyway, BRILLIANT,q Scott. Brilliant!

  • At 5:24 PM, July 13, 2007, Blogger EuroTrash said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 5:27 PM, July 13, 2007, Blogger EuroTrash said…

    Just brilliant! You should start a hotline ($4.95 a minute) where you tell fortunes by anagrams of names.

    You're a funny fella-ella-ella
    A very funny fella-ella-ella

  • At 6:19 PM, July 17, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hilarious as always, but the paulini comparisons have go to stop!

  • At 7:58 PM, July 26, 2007, Blogger comicstriphero said…

    Scott To Be Certain.

    Abort Conceit Test?

    Or, Botantic Sect Otter?

    I can't decide.

    At least I have a whole week of chuckles stored away after reading this post.

    Champagne blogging

  • At 1:50 PM, July 07, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That was pretty harsh. We all know Rihanna is a talented singer and dancers, and she doesn't deserve to be cut up the way you did. Don't you think she has enough people saying bad stuff about her? She's a celebrity for a reason, talent. What if I started cutting up your humour? I don't think you'd be too thrilled. She gets chased by papparatzii, bothered by stalking fans, and attacked by critics, gossip magazine, and a COMEDIANS (Scott). Just think about what I said, and try to look at the brighter side of things.


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