Scott, To Be Certain


Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Doggone Aleisha

Here at S2BC, the general rule is that women are better than men in virtually every aspect of life. Female actors, singers, tennis players and especially reality TV contestants are without exception far superior to their male counterparts.

So you'd think I'd be a little more elated about the prospect of a cute young woman, who's lived a hard life but somehow remained chirpy and unannoying, winning Big Brother and thereby taking home close to half a million bucks.

Aleisha, the latest winner, is only the 2nd woman in seven series to emerge victorious. This should be good news, except:

- There were exactly zero unobjectionable female alternatives in the entire series (outside of the train wreck entertainment value afforded by Anna Paquin TJ), thereby making Aleisha's achievement less impressive.

- Her series was propelled by perhaps the show's most notable "we need a female to win!" urgency, epitomised by the producers' decision to put only males up for elimination one particular week. Hello favouritism.

- Aleisha fits neatly into Australia's favourite type of female reality TV personality: inoffensive, non-threatening looks (cute but not remotely sexually alluring); strong but vulnerable, preferably from the country; and resoundingly vague.

- She beat Zach, the the show's favourite daughter son, the only true genre-breaker and the producer's choice. ("Look! Zach is losing! Vote your arses off!")

So it's all a bit unsurprising. But let's not break out into the annual, customary cries of disappointment (e.g. "Let's commit suicide because Australian voters are fuckwits!") and instead take stock of the positives (in the style of "Booya, faggots of Australia sure nuff nearly notched one up!"):

1. Travis, the Ben/Peter/Trevor prototype did not make the final 2.

2. Billy, the Logans/Jamie prototype did not make the final 2.

3. Zach, a flamboyant corset-making queer whose priorities quite rightly centre on Paris Hilton, product used in Gretel's hair and attendance at Christina Aguilera concerts, almost won as an intruder, by simply being an unbitchy, adorable, likeable gay.

4. Zach's mum has a friend called Deirdre! Who travelled with her to Queensland the first time Zach was nominated, as she breathtakingly revealed in the house. And my, isn't Zach the spitting image of Mum?

5. Zach has a new nephew called Reiger, and was suitably apprehensive about the naming when informed of it by his parents in the house. Bless.

6. Aleisha is now cognisant that she needs to attend to that nasty mole wedged in to the crevice between her nose and cheek.

7. Bodie threw a rubber chicken at Gretel's head.

8. Hayley didn't refer to having any legal qualifications, and sensibly wore a belt to distract from her elongated arse.

9. The producers were desperately gagging for a Zach victory, making a Mardi Gras-style float, revealing the voting graph early on and even stretching the show out FOREVER to audit the results and hope against hope that he could snatch the lead away from Aleisha. This has absolutely nothing to do with increasing our spend on voting or creating "drama" for "ratings".

10. We discovered that Emma really is a man, judging by her pelvic thrust onto Aleisha when she mounted the float.

These are all individually important and memorable things, so all is not lost.

Especially since Australian Idol, with the return of the ever sensible Dicko to finally imbue the show with the honest, accurate appraisals it has lacked since his departure, is to return in less than a week.

S2BC will again be taking on obsessive blogging duties for this watershed event. Stay tuned.

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  • At 7:17 PM, July 31, 2007, Blogger lisa said…

    but what about the Panto???

    i actually couldn't look, it was that awful

  • At 8:08 AM, August 01, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think the Panto was so bad it deserves its own entry. Now don't get me wrong - I was expecting it to be horrendously embarrassing, but it really was worse than anything even I was expecting.

    Also loved the way they glossed over Lauras absence, although her drunken assault of Queensland police has potentially been the only interesting thing she has ever done and deserved at least a passing mention.

    I hope they get rid of that haggard slapper Gretel and replace her with Vesna - BB08 would definitely be worth watching!

  • At 3:00 PM, August 01, 2007, Anonymous FranklinBluth said…

    Scott! In a prelude to the forthcoming idol season, could you please please PLEASE do a summary of your top 10 idol performances of all time!!?? Surely they are all available on youtube?

  • At 10:59 PM, August 01, 2007, Blogger EuroTrash said…

    OMG - Idol!! So overly excited, I have had to pop a tena lady into my panties.

    Thank goodness Dicko is back too. Those days at "Celebrity" Survivor in Vanuatu did him no favours.

  • At 11:42 PM, August 01, 2007, Blogger Kamikaze Camel said…

    The Panto was terrible, my god. What possessed them?

  • At 9:22 AM, August 02, 2007, Blogger Scott said…

    Franklin, were you spying on me? I am in the process of doing such a post as we speak.

    And yes, the panto was awful. It's almost the best reason to never audition for that show. However, I did enjoy that they weaved the phrase "premature evacuation" into it.

  • At 8:10 PM, August 02, 2007, Blogger Adem IAR said…

    I bet Laura was mighty pleased she was arrested the night before and was unable to partake in panto once she saw it. Fuck, a night alone in a bedroom with BB01's Lisa and BB05's Rita would be a more pleasant experience than having anything to do with that panto.


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