Scott, To Be Certain

DISCOURSE, DIGRESSION AND DIATRIBE FOR YOUR DAILY DIGESTION

Friday, August 31, 2007

Verdict 4: A Fucking Cheray-de

Last night was a short episode. As such, it did not represent an onerous blogging proposition.

However, I was stunned into silence last night and have only this morning summoned the wherewithal to address the tragedy that calls itself "Australian Idol Season 5".


"That's not a tragedy. Some people don't own maps"

I tend to disagree, Miss Teen South Carolina. There is something even more devastating than geographical illiteracy going on here.


"Do you mean South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like such as"

I wish that's what I meant, sweetie. Let me break it down for you.

The night began innocently enough, some might even say delightfully. It was the first time this series where both contestants winning through to the Final 12 had delivered good semifinal performances and truly deserved their place. Congratulations to Holly Weinert and Brianna Carpenter.



I'm not without my reservations about these two. Holly is from Mildura (COUNTRY ALERT), is friends with a homewrecker (BITCH BY ASSOCIATION) and can't even spell the name of Billie Holiday, her alleged own idol (ILLITERATE). Brianna does not believe in symmetrical hairstyles (UNBALANCED), is a startling prospect for camera close-ups (COMPROMISED DINNER VIEWING) and is armed with a potentially sickening array of self-involved singer/songwriter quirks to cumulatively poison us all (HEALTH RISK).

But to be fair, they were very entertaining last night, both individually and as an intertwined lesbian unit. Brianna was called first, reacting with genuine delight and surprise before heading immediately upstairs to join her fellow finalists. James Mathison then announced, with uncharacteristic poise and swiftness, that Holly was next through. Holly scarcely spent two tenths of a second "enjoying the moment" before turning on her heel with lightning speed and darting up to join Brianna. It was hilariously fast, and I started to love Holly even more at that moment, since she seemed to be acting as viewers' agent, channeling our desire to get the fuck on with the show.

Cue the Holly and Brianna reunion at the top of the stairs, which began as a sisterly hug of mutual congratulation, grew in intensity and ended up with both bitches splayed on the floor like the dirty wenches they no doubt really are. Brianna, of course, was the one caught on top, wrapped betwixt Holly's legs, her face inches away from Holly's crotch. Like an epiphany, the source of Brianna's sandpaper-ravaged face suddenly dawned on us all.

But joy soon turned to despair. There was the matter of Damien Leith's performance, with which the word "lacklustre" does not even wish to be associated. It was a lazy, uninteresting performance of a boring song, but somehow suitably emblematic of our 2007 Idol journey.

Then the heartbreaker: the 8 Wild Card recipients were announced. This year, each of the 4 judges gets to pick 2 semifinalists to perform again. In order:

Mark Holden



1. Husny Thalib. GOOD. Husny is nothing if not entertaining, and breaks the mould in a way that we actually care for it to be broken. Plus, there's the prospect of a Kate Bush-a-thon, commencing one hopes with "Wuthering Heights" on Sunday night.


"I love Bush as well"

2. Mark Da Costa. GOOD. Mark clearly delivered the 2nd best male performance of the semifinals, and is the nearest thing to "easy on the eyes" that the male contingent has this year. OMG how fucking depressing.

Dicko



3. Dave Andrews. BAD. WTF? As we know, Dave is modest and unassuming, and probably a lovely bloke. By the same token, he weirds me out a bit, in the style of someone I might reluctantly leave alone with my baby nieces. Plus, he impersonated a hokkien noodle in his semifinal performance and doesn't deserve another chance.

4. Daniel Mifsud. SHITHOUSE. WTF? I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The judging panel all clearly wants to writhe around with Mifsud on a bed. Yawn. The surprise is that Dicko didn't select Sarah Lloyde, over whom he almost blew a load on Wednesday night. Plus, we're half way there and where is my girl Cheray?

Marcia Hines



5. Natalie G(r)auci. GOOD. Marcia took half an hour to explain, like she does every year, about how devastatingly difficult and time-consuming it is to choose Wild Cards, and presumably also to arouse interest in anything she says. But it looks like Marcia's bringing it home for the sisterhood of the hungry pants. And from memory Marcia liked Cheray's semifinal sass, so surely she's next?

6. Carl Risible. HORRENDOUS. WTF? Carl was terrible, placing last in his group according to me, but we should have known, since Carl is not altogether unattractive, and Marcia's principal concern is boning anything with a penis. Methinks there was a certain someone who was more than welcome after last night's show.

Kyle



7. Jack Byrnes. GOOD. Jack has one of the most powerful male voices, and incongruous drag queen dance moves aside, should get another chance to show us another jacket song. But at this point we're 6 guys to 1 girl. And on the basis of Kyle's penchant for anything with breasts, you just know the last place is going to Sarah Lloyde. But he liked Cheray, didn't he? Surely there's a chance?

8. Sarah Lloyde. BA-BOW. Sarah clinches the 2nd female spot, on the basis of her Idol "journey", which seems simply to involve some yelling, acting out a different Dreamgirls scene at every opportunity, and progressively getting thinner since her first audition. Who knew? Now she's Kim Cattrall.



Right. So let's get this straight. EVERY SINGLE GUY except Lyall Adonis and Junior To'o, who both delivered lamentable performances, have been given a second chance. Meanwhile, only 2 women - AGAIN - just like last year.

WHAT ABOUT CHERAY?



Cheray was the best in her semifinal group, is probably the most credible female musician and showed the most potential for genre-straddling, but still not a single bite from any of the judges. This is despite each of them giving glowing feedback after her performance, including Dicko ("Where on earth did you pull that rabbit from? That was sassy, funky and I loved it") and Kyle ("I'm really, really impressed with you"). To add insult to injury, Cheray was seated in the back row last night and got no camera time, despite looking fetching in a hat.

While Hello Krostie dives for some razor blades out of continuing guilt and everyone else scratches their heads in disbelief, James Mathison, as a laughably insufficient consolation, suspenselessly announces a rule change that from next year will allow all unsuccessful semifinalists from this and past years to audition again for another stab at Idol. The audience tries to care, but there's no masking the fact that this announcement smacks of desperation and nervousness on the part of producers at the prospect of a depleted talent pool for future shows and the dire current situation of Season 5.

Idol is dead to me at least until Sunday.

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13 Comments:

  • At 12:53 PM, August 31, 2007, Blogger eMZed said…

    IAWS*. Woeful! I exclaimed "What The-" so many times you would have thought I was Rove, except that I'm taller and appended "Fuck?" to each exclamation.

    And is it my imagination, or has that leprechaun become even more Irish? I was going to contrive some gag about him phoning that performance in, then segue into a tuneful "When Irish Idol's dialling" parody, but I couldn't be arsed. Stoopid AI5.
    _____________________
    * I Agree With Scott (natch)

     
  • At 1:23 PM, August 31, 2007, Anonymous FranklinBluth said…

    I never thought I'd see the day when Mark Holden would appear to be the most rational judge on the panel! seriously WTF!

    'like an epiphany, the source of Brianna's sandpaper-ravaged face suddenly dawned on us all' funniest comment EVER!

    Time to look on the bright-side people:
    1. We get to see Husny perform again
    2. We get to see Bobby Flynn perform on Monday, it has been too long!
    3. Max is in the final 12 and is brilliant. I cannot wait to hear him perform again

     
  • At 2:03 PM, August 31, 2007, Blogger TallulahBelle said…

    Let me join you on the FURIOUS bench about Cheray (and Sally) not getting through. I enjoy the hotness of Carl Risely as much as the next bunnyboiler and welcome being able to sigh dreamily over him on Sunday night again but in no fucking WAY is he a better performer/musician/singer than Cheray OR Sally OR Jesse. Bollocks to the nth degree and the fuckers are just trying to stack the comp in favour of another guy winner because they do better then the gals whose only recourse seems to be joining the Young fucking Diva's. Bah. Humbug.

     
  • At 2:16 PM, August 31, 2007, Blogger Scott said…

    Emzed - I look forward to your continued unconditional agreement. And yes, the leprachaun factor did seem "turned up to 11".

    Franklin - it seems ludicrous, doesn't it? When you say "Max", do you mean Matt or Ben?

    Tallulah - you're quite right, the females are yet to demonstrate their marketability outside of a covers group (albeit a gloriously pop-embracing one). Definitely stacking it in their favour. But let's remember: there's only 1 female on the judging panel, and the only sister-girlfriend in the Top 24 is already through. So there were no champions left for Cheray. *sheds tear*

     
  • At 2:16 PM, August 31, 2007, Blogger Kamikaze Camel said…

    I don't find Carl attractive at all, actually. Marcia just needs to Abdul his arse and get it over with. Mark is quite literally the only guy that holds any interest looks-wise with me.

    Scott, you are amazing with your comments. So funny.

    I was upset that Cheray didn't get in (especially over some of the ones that did, ugh). And I can't fathom how Mark was the only one who wanted Husny in the wildcard round. Crazy idiots. His favourite Kate Bush song is "Running Up That Hill" btw.

     
  • At 2:24 PM, August 31, 2007, Anonymous FranklinBluth said…

    Scott, I meant Ben McKenzie, I have no idea why I thought his name was Max! But I still maintain he is brilliant.

     
  • At 3:29 PM, August 31, 2007, Blogger Scott said…

    Aw shucks KC! The more I think about it, the more I see Husny at home with "Hounds of Love".

    Franklin - I agree with you, Ben's performance was great, even if his outfit bore an unfortunate resemblance to something once worn by Courtney Murphy on the show.

     
  • At 3:42 PM, August 31, 2007, Blogger Jacob said…

    Ah yes, the unsightly face of one who has spent many hours doing the cunnilingus. It all makes sense now!

    I, too, was shocked - SHOCKED - that Dicko didn't personally choose Sarah to go through to the Wildcards. Didn't he say something about her getting through if he has anything to do with it?

    Kim Cattrall! I laughed guiltily at that comment, Scott. She has lost a bit of weight over the last few years, but she's not really unhealthily thin. Too much make up and those appalling black shorts perhaps didn't do her justice.

    A pity about Cheray. She was one of the nicer girls this year.

     
  • At 5:50 PM, August 31, 2007, Blogger EC said…

    Kate Bush is a goddess and is duly worshipped in our home. Me: "I'm just going to listen to The Dreaming for the 7 millionth time" "Somebody help me" whimpers Partner.

    Having said that I would pay MONEY to see Idol's resident dance sensation Hunsy perform Wuthering Heights.

     
  • At 6:00 PM, August 31, 2007, Blogger lisa said…

    i'm with Franklin on the sandpaper comment, hilarious.

    the irish one often goes into our local JB and asks them how sales are going and if they need anymore posters... they always say no.

    i'm so glad Holly got through, i like her, don't know if i like her singing, but i like that she keeps wearing jeans and t-shirts, she plays the drums and she's tall.




    ..so so gay
    speaking of, bring on Husny! (and how much does Kyle hate him?)

     
  • At 6:03 PM, August 31, 2007, Blogger eMZed said…

    IAWS!

     
  • At 6:27 PM, August 31, 2007, Blogger Anne Frankenfurter said…

    As the only thing I ever enjoy about idol every year is hanging shit on the contestants, I have enjoyed your blog a great deal. And here's my two cents...
    * I too am amazed at the Cheray-less final 12.
    * I would totally do it with low-rent Buble Risely. He's hot, and isn't 16, so I am happy he's there.
    * Husny is the shit.

    That is all. I look forward to more updates :)

     
  • At 4:15 PM, September 01, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "Freakin Genius!" as Anna Nicole would have said, god bless her soul.

    (weasel)

     

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