Verdict 4: A Fucking Cheray-de

Last night was a short episode. As such, it did not represent an onerous blogging proposition.

However, I was stunned into silence last night and have only this morning summoned the wherewithal to address the tragedy that calls itself "Australian Idol Season 5".


"That's not a tragedy. Some people don't own maps"

I tend to disagree, Miss Teen South Carolina. There is something even more devastating than geographical illiteracy going on here.


"Do you mean South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like such as"

I wish that's what I meant, sweetie. Let me break it down for you.

The night began innocently enough, some might even say delightfully. It was the first time this series where both contestants winning through to the Final 12 had delivered good semifinal performances and truly deserved their place. Congratulations to Holly Weinert and Brianna Carpenter.



I'm not without my reservations about these two. Holly is from Mildura (COUNTRY ALERT), is friends with a homewrecker (BITCH BY ASSOCIATION) and can't even spell the name of Billie Holiday, her alleged own idol (ILLITERATE). Brianna does not believe in symmetrical hairstyles (UNBALANCED), is a startling prospect for camera close-ups (COMPROMISED DINNER VIEWING) and is armed with a potentially sickening array of self-involved singer/songwriter quirks to cumulatively poison us all (HEALTH RISK).

But to be fair, they were very entertaining last night, both individually and as an intertwined lesbian unit. Brianna was called first, reacting with genuine delight and surprise before heading immediately upstairs to join her fellow finalists. James Mathison then announced, with uncharacteristic poise and swiftness, that Holly was next through. Holly scarcely spent two tenths of a second "enjoying the moment" before turning on her heel with lightning speed and darting up to join Brianna. It was hilariously fast, and I started to love Holly even more at that moment, since she seemed to be acting as viewers' agent, channeling our desire to get the fuck on with the show.

Cue the Holly and Brianna reunion at the top of the stairs, which began as a sisterly hug of mutual congratulation, grew in intensity and ended up with both bitches splayed on the floor like the dirty wenches they no doubt really are. Brianna, of course, was the one caught on top, wrapped betwixt Holly's legs, her face inches away from Holly's crotch. Like an epiphany, the source of Brianna's sandpaper-ravaged face suddenly dawned on us all.

But joy soon turned to despair. There was the matter of Damien Leith's performance, with which the word "lacklustre" does not even wish to be associated. It was a lazy, uninteresting performance of a boring song, but somehow suitably emblematic of our 2007 Idol journey.

Then the heartbreaker: the 8 Wild Card recipients were announced. This year, each of the 4 judges gets to pick 2 semifinalists to perform again. In order:

Mark Holden



1. Husny Thalib. GOOD. Husny is nothing if not entertaining, and breaks the mould in a way that we actually care for it to be broken. Plus, there's the prospect of a Kate Bush-a-thon, commencing one hopes with "Wuthering Heights" on Sunday night.


"I love Bush as well"

2. Mark Da Costa. GOOD. Mark clearly delivered the 2nd best male performance of the semifinals, and is the nearest thing to "easy on the eyes" that the male contingent has this year. OMG how fucking depressing.

Dicko



3. Dave Andrews. BAD. WTF? As we know, Dave is modest and unassuming, and probably a lovely bloke. By the same token, he weirds me out a bit, in the style of someone I might reluctantly leave alone with my baby nieces. Plus, he impersonated a hokkien noodle in his semifinal performance and doesn't deserve another chance.

4. Daniel Mifsud. SHITHOUSE. WTF? I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The judging panel all clearly wants to writhe around with Mifsud on a bed. Yawn. The surprise is that Dicko didn't select Sarah Lloyde, over whom he almost blew a load on Wednesday night. Plus, we're half way there and where is my girl Cheray?

Marcia Hines



5. Natalie G(r)auci. GOOD. Marcia took half an hour to explain, like she does every year, about how devastatingly difficult and time-consuming it is to choose Wild Cards, and presumably also to arouse interest in anything she says. But it looks like Marcia's bringing it home for the sisterhood of the hungry pants. And from memory Marcia liked Cheray's semifinal sass, so surely she's next?

6. Carl Risible. HORRENDOUS. WTF? Carl was terrible, placing last in his group according to me, but we should have known, since Carl is not altogether unattractive, and Marcia's principal concern is boning anything with a penis. Methinks there was a certain someone who was more than welcome after last night's show.

Kyle



7. Jack Byrnes. GOOD. Jack has one of the most powerful male voices, and incongruous drag queen dance moves aside, should get another chance to show us another jacket song. But at this point we're 6 guys to 1 girl. And on the basis of Kyle's penchant for anything with breasts, you just know the last place is going to Sarah Lloyde. But he liked Cheray, didn't he? Surely there's a chance?

8. Sarah Lloyde. BA-BOW. Sarah clinches the 2nd female spot, on the basis of her Idol "journey", which seems simply to involve some yelling, acting out a different Dreamgirls scene at every opportunity, and progressively getting thinner since her first audition. Who knew? Now she's Kim Cattrall.



Right. So let's get this straight. EVERY SINGLE GUY except Lyall Adonis and Junior To'o, who both delivered lamentable performances, have been given a second chance. Meanwhile, only 2 women - AGAIN - just like last year.

WHAT ABOUT CHERAY?



Cheray was the best in her semifinal group, is probably the most credible female musician and showed the most potential for genre-straddling, but still not a single bite from any of the judges. This is despite each of them giving glowing feedback after her performance, including Dicko ("Where on earth did you pull that rabbit from? That was sassy, funky and I loved it") and Kyle ("I'm really, really impressed with you"). To add insult to injury, Cheray was seated in the back row last night and got no camera time, despite looking fetching in a hat.

While Hello Krostie dives for some razor blades out of continuing guilt and everyone else scratches their heads in disbelief, James Mathison, as a laughably insufficient consolation, suspenselessly announces a rule change that from next year will allow all unsuccessful semifinalists from this and past years to audition again for another stab at Idol. The audience tries to care, but there's no masking the fact that this announcement smacks of desperation and nervousness on the part of producers at the prospect of a depleted talent pool for future shows and the dire current situation of Season 5.

Idol is dead to me at least until Sunday.