AI5: Hollywood Ending

After the refreshing haste and of-the-essence approach of the semifinal verdicts, the slow- fingernail-removal-style pain and pace of the Monday night shows henceforth is, as ever, going to require some effort.

It's amazing that they manage to fit ALL of the following things into an hour of television without seeming rushed, isn't it?

- Dramatic sad face opening
- Recap
- Group performance
- Recap of judges' comments
- Voting results
- Loser's departure performance

Seriously, I'm amazed it didn't run overtime. BRAVO CHANNEL 10.

Among the thrilling goings-on this week was a limo ride with Kamahl, during which it appears champagne was served to UNDERAGE CONTESTANTS. And as if that weren't enough: wherever there's a champagne bottle, you just know that Jennifer Keyte can't be far off either.


"But I work for Channel 7"

Like that's ever stopped you.

Later, we saw some tiresome brand positioning, including a Gold Card to facilitate McDonald's purchases for its cash-strapped customers, which would have to be one of the most objectionable pieces of marketing I've heard in a long time.

OK, I'm already bored. What the fuck else happened tonight? A snapshot:

1. Hello Krostie cried because she loves Zac Efron. He's apparently from High School Musical, some zeitgeist adolescent hit machine that I know strictly nothing about and which accordingly makes me feel geriatric. However, I do know that the girls associated with High School Musical and who also love Zac Efron tend to get up to naughty stuff, and now I've officially made myself sick.

2. James Mathison referred to Lana as 'Krostie'. This is a promising shift in nomenclature, and a surefire sign that we are merely weeks away from fully integrating the 'Hello Krostie' moniker across the entire internet. PLEASE SHOW YOUR SUPPORT FOR THIS ENDEAVOUR.

3. Kermit Foreman wrote a song about life being a song. Hopefully it's not this one or we should all just retrospectively wish ourselves into the Jonestown suicide compound. Still, nice idea, and well done John. He even sang a bit, sounding less cartoon amphibian than you might expect.

4. Holly Weinert wore a top that made it look like her nipples were blinking.

5. Booanna continues to combine red and purple. Is that even legal? Her mum obviously subscribes to this hatred-inciting propaganda:



7. The worst group performance I've ever heard. Holly and Matt were the only ones who carried it off.

8. Tarisai was coiffed in the style of Phylicia Rashad from the Cosby Show.



And that's about it.

The results straddled three ad breaks, and involved the following suspenseful shenanigans.

1. Tarisai was first through, she and Marcia both immediately communing with God.

2. Lana first in the bottom 3, creating a short-lived sense of hope.

3. Marty and Mark both safe: looks like this year is all about the boys, then, in the style of Big Brother. We can only hope there's a corresponding finale to salvage it. Something like this, perhaps?



4. Inexplicably, Carl also safe: St John's Ambulance staff seated behind Marcia very relieved.

5. An all-girl Bottom 3 (Hello Krostie, Booanna, Holly) for one of the only times in Australian Idol history, as far as I can remember. Not altogether surprising, but nonetheless worrying. It was all looking OK until...

6. Booanna safe first, Krostie safe second (she really IS Neo-Lauren, isn't she?), leaving Holly to suck the Idol fat one.



BOOOOOOO Australia. We now have about 3 or 4 decent competitors, and only 4 girls left in total, including Hello Krostie Gissara-Buckley.

But then, bitch brought it on herself. Was Reigan Derry's departure really in vain?

There's really only one way to combat the devastation of shit moments like these: focus on the positives. To that effect, S2BC's Top 20 All-Time Greatest Australian Idol Performances to continue very shortly.