Scott, To Be Certain


Thursday, September 06, 2007

Lobbing In At The US Open

It is again time to pay a visit to our gorgeous, graceful and elegant friends over on the women's tennis tour.

"Surely that's not sarcasm"

Not at all, you saucy minx. But yourself aside, it's surely impossible to ignore, and indeed amusing to acknowledge, that there is a clear preponderance of less-than-svelte tennis machines being pumped out of the success factory that calls itself eastern Europe.

But it's not all doom and gloom for lovers of superficial assessments. The tour's relentless East German swimmers' tribute is somewhat tempered by the lovely Ana Ivanovic:

"Shall I show you my deep end"

Although a tad overdressed for a spot of swimming, Ana is otherwise a smouldering vixen in this stunning shot, easily distracting us from the surrounding practical disadvantages of water restrictions. She doesn't scrub up half bad while on court either:

At an Amazonian 6'2", blessed with the naturally silken complexion of a future Neutrogena pin-up and exuding the kind of faintly erotic aloofness so typical of Eastern bloc beauties, Ana - from Serbia and a finalist at this year's French Open - is the most effortlessly radiant of anyone currently wielding a tennis racket.

"Were you quite thorough in arriving at that conclusion"


Elsewhere, it's a bumper week for the ladies: the US Open is in its final stages, and the women have once again proven, both on court and off, why they are infinitely more interesting than their male counterparts.

Nadia Petrova gets ready to unveil her flushing meadow

Firstly, yet more appallingly sour grapes from Serena Williams Vushe, who served up quite the press conference after losing yet again to Justine Henin in the quarter-finals. The Serena-Henin QF is the mid-00s version of the perennial Serena-Capriati QF at the turn of the decade: It was their third consecutive meeting in the round of 8 of a grand slam, and the third consecutive loss for the Australian Idol finalist. That decision to fly back for the Wild Card show is looking a little reckless in hindsight, no?

"Bitch, please"

With sparkling arrogance, Serena has incurred the wrath of the media for an inelegant and unsportsmanlike conference following the loss, in which she described Henin's brilliant play in the following manner:

"I just think she made a lot of lucky shots and I made a lot of errors.... I really don't feel like talking about it. It's like I don't want to get fined. That's the only reason I came. I can't afford to pay the fines because I keep losing."

Poor baby

The conference itself is worth a closer look. A snippet from the transcript:

Q. Can you explain what went wrong out there tonight?
: No, I can't. I'm sorry. Any more questions?

Q. Do you think fitness was an issue in this match?
SERENA WILLIAMS: I'm very fit. I can run for hours.

Q. Are you saying that you lost the match rather than Justine won it?
SERENA WILLIAMS: I think that's usually the case with me, that it's for me to win or lose.

S2BC adores a proper bitch: Let's hope Serena continues in that vein.

Meanwhile, her sister Venus won a 3rd set tiebreak over Jelena "Weird Al" Jankovic earlier today, restoring some class to the Williams family in a display of warm fuzzies after the win. Both girls congratulated each other, Venus labelling her opponent "incredible". Awww. It was a thrilling match of night play, eclipsing the subsequent and methodical despatch of Andy Roddick by the Fed Express.

Women's tennis is definitely where it's at. And it seems set to continue tomorrow night, in a scheduled night match sure to be beamed live via satellite into every bar across both Leichardt and Northcote:

Treasured S2BC reader Woodsman, of the brilliant but all-too-infrequently updated Billable Units, wonders whether the intensity of that particular match-up might be heightened by simply deciding the match via a "lick off". This doesn't sound altogether unappealing, now does it readers? Perhaps Mary Cheney could even be enlisted for the presentation ceremony, awarding the winner their trophy.

Or something similar

Perhaps the most bizarre development on the women's tour is the advent of Bethanie Mattek. Bethanie is a terrible player who hasn't hit a winner since the late 90s, but she sensibly computed early in her career that the only way she would ever attract attention in this line of work was through fashion. She certainly has a history of wearing outrageous outfits on court, but I didn't quite realise the extent of her madness until I read this today on the US Open website:

"Known for her outlandish outfits -- she was fined here in 2005 for wearing an argyle cowboy hat -- Mattek made an eye-popping exit: leopard headband, low-cut leopard top and those leopard shorts."

Fuck the leopard print - A COWBOY HAT?

My curiosity piqued, I reprioritised my entire life setting aside such pesky nonsense as "Urgent Meetings" to ensure that I could obtain photographic evidence of this spectacular event. You are the beneficiaries of that research, dear readers:

Sheer brilliance. And she was fined! God bless this woman.

For the record, this would have to be her pièce de résistance:

That's right: that would be a split-sleeve beige number with a crotcheted waist, complete with a lace headband and knee-high lace bow-tie socks. The overall effect is something you might get if you bumped into Tonya Harding at a toga party and pushed her through a paper shredder. In other words: I LOVE IT.

Here is a taste of her other fashion statements, among them a metallic Wonder Woman tribute outfit, the Florida retiree leopard print from this year's Open, and a soccer-themed Wimbledon effort, right down to the socks.

What's not to love about women's tennis?



  • At 7:32 PM, September 06, 2007, Blogger lisa said…

    that toga number is what would happen if Kylie's "Can't get you out of my head" monstrosity bred with a doily

    poor nadia, i think her meadow is closed for business.

    So Northcote is where all the Melbournian Lesbians are? I must remember to go there next time i go south

    serena is such a cow. humble she aint. do i hear a sistah girlfriend?

  • At 11:23 PM, September 06, 2007, Anonymous Ben said…

    Scott I see that Serena/Tarisai is your new fixation in the vein of Paulini/Gorilla!

    And you seem continue to be strangely transfixed by Nadia Petrova - I suppose she is mesmerising in her awfulness, no? LOVED your Flushing Meadow call by the way! Still chuckling.

  • At 10:44 AM, September 07, 2007, Anonymous FranklinBluth said…

    I challenge you to find another woman on the PLANET that you could put in a pink-hotpants-jumpsuit and look one tenth as scary as Serena Williams does in that picture.

  • At 10:54 AM, September 07, 2007, Blogger Woodsman said…

    Im guessing Nadia Petrova would look much scarier actually...

    I remember fondly Bethanie Mattek play in those long socks on Centre Court at Wimby against Venus Williams where she had Kerryn Pratt and Fiery Fred Stolle in heated debate over the "appropriateness" of her socks. She also continued to charge the net like she had tourettes despite Venus laughinly passing her at every attempt.

    God bless Weird Al, she applies her makeup with a gun set to whore and chats to Jerry Seinfeld mid-match. Shame she is turning into the Julia Halard-Decugis of this century with her 1/4 final losses (albeit a little more gallantly and without such a cool surname).

    I spent most of yesterday wishing i was on Court 8 to witness Conchita Martinez whip Iva Majoli 6-4 6-2 in the should-never-have-been-but-inexplicably-were Champions singles event.

    Do you think that it might be Anna Chakbvuidbviervnaerjvbaejkgvbaelkvbelvbrjvbrbjlkrvbaljbvladze's time to lose 6-1 6-1 to Henin in a grand slam final?

  • At 11:39 AM, September 07, 2007, Blogger Scott said…

    Lisa - I think there's probably considerable and frequent occupation of Nadia's meadow, more often than not post-match.

    Ben - yes, I will never tire of the Serena/Tarisai comparison: it's such a shame her surname isn't Williams. There was a tradition of those developing.

    Franklin - agree with Woodsman, I think Petrova in said pink outfit would be disturbing to say the least. Or perhaps Brenda Schultz-McCarthy?

    Woodsman - disagree, Jankovic had never before lost in the QF until that match! She's more of a semis girl. And I think the QF mantle must lie with Manuela Maleeva-Fragniere - 12 appearances in 10 years. Agree though on Martinez and Majoli - the lone grand slams they own are due solely to horrendously compromised better champions playing badly on the day. And I don't even want to think of Martinez's meadow. It's likely more of a jungle, I fear.

  • At 4:20 PM, September 02, 2008, Blogger Woodsman said…

    Oh how i miss S2BC


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