It's Not What You Know...

There were some excellent performances on Idol last night, a couple of quite good ones and one truly shithouse one.

However, the two finest performances were not from the competitors.


Kyle: surprisingly responsive to strap-ons

Kyle and Marcia together delivered memorable television, completely eclipsing the show's stars in accordance with their contracts.

Things we learnt about Kyle last night.

1. He is going to marry that horrendous wench Tamara Poo-Jabber.

Tamara's favourite letters: "A HO"

2. He thought Bobby was going to deep throat his disgusting debreziner sausage.

3. Like Marcia, he is friends with every musician that ever drew breath but especially Robbie Williams.

"I'm so friendly Madonna is already letting me babysit"

Now although he is no Dicko and despite appearing to occasionally impute an "i" into his first name, Kyle is never boring, often funny and almost always impressively quick-witted.

Yet somehow, Dave Hughes was banging on about how stupid Kyle is on Nova this morning - specifically, that Kyle is "the stupidest person in the history of television". This is rubbish.


"Decidedly"

In the next breath, Dave declared a fondness for Andrew G and James Mathison.

Dave, you know what you just did. That's all I've got to say to you.

But enough about Kyle - Queen Marcia is in da house of commons.


Marcia after last night's show

It was all about Marcia, who used Bobby's performance to irrelevantly declare, "You know, I love what I do." Well. Good on you.

And what was sister-girlfriend wearing? With Queen Lavinah gone, Marcia has royally stepped up the ghetto fashion.

The time has also come to question what the fuck is in bitch's ears. It's either some kind of jade-encrusted hearing aid, or permanent soul-sista iPod jack. If anyone can shed any light on this intriguing accessory, please e-mail me.

Now on to the performances.

7. Risky

Assuredly the worst thing that anyone has done since Bec Cartwright and a recording studio.

6. Greasy Piglet

No More Lonely Nights so long as the pantry is well stocked

This is a picture of self-proclaimed "belter" Chris after the show last night, clearly cooking up a calorific storm to console himself while also drowning his sorrows in a vat of vegetable oil bottle of wine. And why wouldn't you, after appearing on national television in your wife's satin nightgown singing like a fat pansy.

"I'll show you who's a 'belter'"

Once was enough, thank you.

Piglet also reckoned he was "on tender hooks" this week. This is either an amusingly deliberate meat reference or he has no idea that the correct expression is "on tenterhooks". Whatever - please leave.

5. Bobby


Musically accomplished but marred by a croaky voice which restricted his ability to appropriately mimic Stevie Nicks' octave slide. Still, a million times better than the previous 2.

4. Jessica


"Have You Ever" listened to Idol "On The Radio"? I have, last night, to this performance. It was good, but the Xtina-style warbling at the end was horribly off-key, I'm sorry to say. I am, however, pleased to note that Mark refrained from commenting to Jess about his "instrument".

3. Lisa


As she began, I wondered whether "See You Soon" might have been about Klancie, Mutto, Lavina et al (especially al). Instead, it turns out it might be about a recording studio. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

2. Dean

This was brilliant in many ways, not the least of which because Dean sang "All The Way Down", dressed in black. How devilishly symbolic! Speaking of which...

1.Damien


Indisputably the best of the night any which way you slice it: the best male vocalist in the competition, perhaps the best song choice in the history of the show, and a guitar to boot. Sensational.

If neither Ricky or Chris get the hell off my screen tonight, there will be hell to pay. Dean will make sure of that.

Or else Damien will. Wicked game indeed...