Idol Top 8: UK Not Be Serious

Hello viewers!

I have finally returned from my two week sojourn in the Orient, in which I climbed the Great Wall, consumed copious amounts of duck, dumplings and tea, and learned to dramatically summon mucus from the deepest, darkest depths of my digestive tract for immediate disposal anywhere, anytime, and preferably when extremely busy.


No ellipses either, kthx

Sadly, I viewed no such discouraging signage: it remains a national pastime, and they are proud of it. I believe most Chinese smokers (overwhelmingly men) maintain their habit simply to ensure an ample reservoir of future chesty output. So I thought: when in Rome Beijing...

By and large China, upcoming host nation of the Olympics, is eager to portray its people as patient and considerate and who don't require signage that makes nasty assumptions. (Except when they do.)



A decent skill they are equally obsessed with is the art of the massage, particularly that of the foot. Some practitioners fancy themselves skilled in "special massage", which I discovered first hand, so to speak. If only I'd been female I might have also taken advantage of this bargain:



Now onto all things Idol.

Thank you to Woodsman who caretook S2BC in magnificent fashion in my absence. He has again blogged some tidbits from last night on his own site, Billable Units - do pay him a visit to ensure he makes those musings weekly.

The "theme" last night was 'Brit Pop'. For my return, The Marcia God actually dressed as God for the first time, draped in my parents' late 70s dining room curtains. There simply had to be some sandals underneath that desk to complete the ensemble, don't you think?

As for the contestants, they put on a fairly decent hour's worth of entertainment, which was mercifully straightforward and filler-free (just the performances and judges' comments - whooda thunk it?).

So how do they sit this week?

8. Jacob Butler, "Let It Be" (by The Beatles)



Oh how deliciously ironic that in BRIT POP WEEK, his absolute favourite genre, Jacob puts in the worst performance of the night, complete with botched falsetto and embarrassing faux dramatic posturing with the microphone stand. This career is not going to happen: perhaps he should look no further than his own name for an alternative. Mark still valiantly tries to find positives in Jacob's defence, but Dicko was beautifully blatant, also seizing the opportunity to label "Let It Be" a dog of a song. Of course, expert songwriter Marcia doesn't think there was ever a dog of a Beatles song, but she's wrong - there was "Salty Dog", from their Magical Mystery Tour album, which must be one of the most unsubtle examples of lyrical imagery in musical history.

7. Barty Simpson, "Naïve" (by The Kooks)



Barty inexplicably mimicked the British accent of the original vocal for most of this performance, not entirely dissimilar to that adopted by Kylie Minogue about 3 weeks after her first trip to the UK. He's clearly on borrowed time and it's painful to watch, with Dicko taking the unprecedented step of appealing to viewers not to vote for Barty on the basis that the show is an inappropriate medium for his talent. He even euphemistically asked for Barty to be euthanased, which one truly wishes were an actual ongoing voting option on this show.

6. Carl Risible, "Can't Buy Me Love" (by The Beatles by way of Michael Bublé, WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE)



Utterly mediocre and virtually unlistenable, another example of his style aptly described last week by Woodsman as "spoken word". There's no semblance of vocal strength or control anywhere here, and the one-note nature of all his performances is fatiguing. Somehow Mark disagreed, commending Carl on "staying in his niche", or perhaps it was 'niece', but either way it sounds like something Mark would advocate. Meanwhile Marcia commended him on his props, which as usual amounted to nothing more than a skinny necktie and a microphone. Well, there was also that wet garbage bag mascarading as a leather jacket. WTF?

5. Natalie Gauci, "Rehab" (by Amy's Winehouse)



I have no doubt that Natalie shares some of Amy's white girl soul sensibility, but this was a woeful song choice. It's an utterly amazing song, musically and lyrically, but it's so idiosyncratic and specific to Amy's life experience that taking it as an allegory is simply not possible. It's like saying the Dixie Chicks' "Not Ready To Make Nice" isn't just about responding to the media fallout of their anti-Bush comments, but also more broadly a haunting anthem for people uniquely unprepared for holidaying in the south of France.



4. Daniel Mifsud, "Message In A Bottle" (by The Police)


This guitar wishes it was a cane, Vaudeville style

It pains me to put him above Natalie, who is a far better contender. But based on last night - more thanks to Natalie than to his own output - he belongs here. It was adequate, although for the second consecutive week, Daniel showed that he genuinely believes enlisting some mournful strings and slowing down an otherwise uptempo song equates to cleverness. Dicko understands the folly of this strategy, but Marshmallow Mumu Marcia thinks that what the show is about. It's also clearly about playing songs exclusively from her vast Favourite Songs repertoire - this one is allegedly part of her "tapestry". Is that what she was wearing?


"I love that song too"

3. Ben McKenzie, "Wonderwall" (by Oasis by way of Ryan Adams)



This poor boy is being subjected to some of the most uncomfortably repetitious and almost predatory gay double entendres in the show's history. James Mathison introduced Ben with a tongue in (butt) cheek reference to his potential elimination tomorrow night, a misjudged bit of attempted humour that sounded exactly like cheeky post-coital banter, coming on the back of (<-- do you see what I did there?) last week's "If you want to get behind Ben..." Andrew G was in on it too, putting his hand on Ben's lower back and declaring, "This is what behind the scenes of Ben McKenzie looks like", then dropping the words "extra long 12 inch" into the following sentence, topping it all off with the enquiry "Do you get nervous when you're here?" HE IS 16, for Marcia's sake! And a Hillsong member (allegedly [thanks Franklin!] one of 4 in the top 8!)! Hang on, that's probably rather appropriate.

2. Jennifer Connelly, "Bittersweet Symphony" (by The Verve)



Looking like a jockey sponsored by David Jones, Jennifer sang about "all the roads he's been down" as though describing aisles in David Jones, where his Mum probably exclusively shops. The only genuine angst this boy has experienced is on the shitter after a particularly fiery chili con carne. Kyle summarised the production goals for this year's series when he said to Jennifer, "You could be a worldwide star." That's something Idol has never produced, so the producers are seeing their meal ticket with this guy, who could be the first slim, good-looking Australian winner ever. It explains Mark doling out the touchdowns willy-nilly, nonsensically distributing another here. But it was at least better than Daniel's last week, was stronger in most departments than everyone bar Tarisai and there's no denying he's interesting to watch.

1. Parasite Williams Vushe, "Somebody To Love" (by Queen)



The night was clearly Parasite's, who took her inspiration this week from some very successful bitches.



And girlfriend sho nuff done brought it on home! Mm-hmm. This performance was both extremely well executed and very clever: she balanced her trademark shouts with some gentle and beautifully controlled moments, and by introducing it as "A little song about me" she ensured that past criticisms of her failure to connect with song lyrics were obliterated. Freddie Mercury's words here lent themselves spectacularly to Tarisai's particular type of vulnerability as a single, diminutive, psychotic, God-obsessed non-Australian and allowed her to build the song memorably. There was light, shade, and various other components of a midsummer afternoon in a park, but ultimately this was ABOUT HER: "Everyone wants to put me down, they say I'm going crazy..." It was imbued with such a torrent of genuine feeling that we instantly forgive her those couple of bung notes.

It elicited the first quadruple standing ovation from the judging panel in a very long time. Marcia said she's feeling Tarisai, a disturbing admission; Kyle wanted to feel her, because she also looks like a black Tamara Jaber; meanwhile Mark tried to pull the poor bitch right off the stage with his touchdown high five tae kwan do move. It was a deserved touchdown performance - the ONLY ONE THIS YEAR MIGHT I JUST ADD.

My pick? Marty to go if they wisely follow Dicko's advice, otherwise Jacob or Daniel based on last night's performances and past voting patterns. It really is time that those 3, together with Carl, get the fuck off our screens to allow the decent ones to get down to business:



That's the only way this thing can go to make it both tolerable and meritorious.

S2BC's Top 20 Greatest Australian Idol Performances countdown will continue shortly, as well as some other equally earth-shattering goodies, so stay tuned.