Scott, To Be Certain


Monday, September 17, 2007

Carp Interred: Nothing Fishy About Booanna's Burial

From this picture we are able to note that:

1. Booanna mercifully got the boot last night.
2. A camera is sensibly pointed away from Booanna.
3. Mutto is apparently now a cameraman on Australian Idol.

That last point is unconfirmed, but a move behind the camera can only be a good thing for that particular individual, as well as for Booanna, for whom there are clearly no endorsements in the offing. ("Our products aren't THAT good" - ProActiv)

It was an entirely unsurprising departure for the series' worst performer: that she earnt this mantle in the presence of Hello Krostie and Carl Risible is testament to her shitness. Hence, her elimination last night had even less suspense than the moments preceding last year's Best Actress Oscar win by Dame Helen Mirren. I suppose it's worth noting that the other 2 members of the Bottom 3 were boys, which is a promising sign for the remaining females, who are being systematically decimated Big Brother-style.

How quickly things changed for this year's first two evictees. From joyous on-camera lesbian romp to yesterday's news quicker than you can say "I'm deaf in one ear".

To add insult to impairment, we of course had to hear Booanna butcher that song AGAIN. Could she not have signed it instead?

There were really only two other things from last night worth reporting. The first is some genuine concern about Hello Krostie. Bitch looked like the most wretchedly over-tired woman on primetime television this side of Annie Jones.

Seriously, what was up with that? She honestly looked like a tired manga version of herself, with wrinkles seemingly drawn on to give that desirable I've-been-clawing-my-eyes-out-due-to-either-conjunctivitis-or-an-acid-trip look. I suppose it makes sense, given those rumours inadvertently revealed on Sunday night by Kyle: apparently Krostie's been getting jiggy with Marty's simpson. Now that's a fine pair. Mr Nerves and Miss I Can Barely Sing Audibly must go wild in the sack. No wonder it takes them all night.

In lieu of anything else being remotely interesting, last night was all about Anthony Callea. Appearing as though in direct response to S2BC's Top 20 Greatest Idol Perfs Countdown, Anthony spent 3 minutes demonstrating almost to the letter EXACTLY why he didn't deserve to win and EXACTLY why The Prayer was such a rare feat of unmannered grace.

Wearing spray-on stubble, A VEST and A CRUCIFIX, Anthony absolutely raped James Morrison's "Undiscovered", one of 2007's very best singles and a mini-masterpiece of smoky-voiced, self-affirming blue-eyed soul. It was gut-wrenching to witness: in Anthony's hands, the ordinarily gorgeous song was transformed into a pageant performance. Replete with more pearl-clutching moments than a drag show, he even did that seated "my arms are wings!" fake flying movement, barely stopping short of marching out the spirit fingers. The best bit was clearly mid-song when he awkwardly screamed at his back-up singer, "Tell 'em Suz!". Suz is what you would get if you crossed Kate De Rouge, Bob Marley and the albino monk from the Da Vinci Code. She tried to tell us, but we weren't very interested.

We seriously need to take the lead from the infinitely superior Canadian Idol, which has just wrapped its fifth season. Now, I've spoken about Canadian Idol several times before. But there really are some lessons to be learned from their production standards, and the impact of those standards on ratings and results.

1. For starters, they have an uncanny ability to select attractive, sustainable, marketably unobese and occasionally even sexy winners. Here are their last three (carefully omitting the first couple, who were mingers):

2. Stars such as Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani, Nelly Furtado, Avril Lavigne and Lionel Richie have all both guest-judged and acted as vocal coach on the show, and countless other credible acts have performed on results shows.

3. They also select interesting theme nights, such as "#1's From The Year You Were Born", Unplugged" and "The Songs of David Bowie". This would be way too boring for Australian producers. Instead they like to innovate with corkers like "How About In The First Week Of The Finals You Just Choose Your Own Song, 'cos That Would Be Really Inventive And Not At All Similar To What You've Been Doing Every Fucking Round Since Your First Audition."

4. Crucially, the Canucks allow departing contestants to sing their best performance as a farewell, as opposed to the invariably woeful one that caused their ouster. This suits both contestants and viewers: they get to leave with a reminder that they were once quite good, and viewers don't have to withstand an encore of drivel. The continuing Australian model means, for example, that Brianna got to foist her tunelessness on us twice, that Ricki Lee ended her Idol experience with the Beatles' "We Can Work It Out" without knowing all the words, and Reigan Derry, who had several touchdowns in her but never got the chance to deliver them, had to relive another full 3 minutes of ill-advised Perth cock rock after she got the boot. (It's a genuine marvel and frankly evidence of pure legend that in 2004, just moments after being voted off, Chanel Cole was able to turn her horrendous Top 5 performance of "Hit 'Em Up Style" into a delicious, brilliant "do you realise what you've done, voting public!" performance master class.)

Let's hope the producers lift their game and that the contestants of Australian Idol Version 5.0 hit their straps because we're otherwise in for an insufferable couple of months.

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  • At 3:39 PM, September 18, 2007, Anonymous Ben said…

    "Carp interred"? BAAAAAAHAHAHA! You've brought your pun sabbatical to a spectacular close.

    Scott are you still going to do your mooted Top 20 Idol perfs across all Idol shows? And will Canuck Idol get a look-in?

  • At 6:06 PM, September 18, 2007, Blogger Kamikaze Camel said…

    Well, Marty is "so laid back he's horizonal" so it makes sense that he'd be the lazy fucker type who makes the chick do everything on top, don't you think? But then if the chick is sleepy-eyes Krostie... yikes.

    Anthony Callea's crusifix was ridiculous.

  • At 9:22 PM, September 18, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Your blog is the best thing about Idol this year. Just discovered it and you're genius!

  • At 11:18 PM, September 18, 2007, Blogger lisa said…

    Did you see Callea's Keyboardist either impersonating Stevie Winder or have a God Loving orgasm half way through the song?

    he was way too happy to be on that stage.

    and please oh please don't make them do groups songs ever again.

  • At 8:27 AM, September 19, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Tell me Callea didn't say "Tell 'em Suz!" Please say it ain't so.

  • At 1:24 PM, September 19, 2007, Blogger Poster Girl said…

    I second Ben's question (I think)--I think I remember a reference to Kelly Clarkson's performance of "Stuff Like That There" being a certain number in the countdown of the best performances from all versions of Idol--I'd love to hear the rest of it.

  • At 8:17 PM, September 23, 2007, Blogger Kamikaze Camel said…

    Holy Shit! Chanel Cole is advertising for Pascals! Is this new or have I been oblivious?!

  • At 9:37 PM, September 23, 2007, Blogger Johnny RuDe said…'s Matt Corby!


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